I recently wrote about women struggling to get over their ex- or soon-to-be-ex-husbands (something we all have done) and in that post, I said this:
“Your ex-husband is no longer your friend. Not only does he no longer have access to your heart, you no longer have the right to burden him with it.”
Someone on Facebook responded with, “If we are ‘big people’ we forgive, become friends, let go of blame!”
Which led me to ask myself this, “Can we be friends with our ex-husbands?”
I cannot answer this from a personal experience standpoint as this is not my situation. My marriage, separation, divorce, co-parenting and post-divorce life could not be characterized as amicable, something that I am ashamed of.
(However, sidenote: I will NEVER understand when I hear about a Christian couple who is divorcing amicably. If you can get through your divorce in a friendly way all the way through, you more than likely should have stayed married. But that’s for another post.)
But let me tackle this question.
I believe that there is a difference between being friends with your ex-husband and being friendly with your ex-husband.
I also absolutely believe that you can be a “big person”, that you can and should forgive, and that you can let go of blame.
But should you be friends?
First of all, I would say that until all disentangling has happened, you should not be friends. If either of you still has feelings for the other, I do not think it is emotionally wise to be friends, to go out together, to talk on the phone, to share your feelings, to have sex.
Secondly, if you or your ex-husband are involved with someone else, for your new partner’s sake, you should not be friends with your ex-partner (at least in the beginning). You must honor the new relationship as the primary relationship, bottom line.
However, I do believe that you should be kind and respectful to your ex-husband. Not kind as in baking him a cake for his birthday, but kind as in do not be mean to him.
As my mentor suggests, treat him like you would a neighbor. Pleasant but businesslike, giving him only the information needed and no more. Facts, not emotions. Remember, both of you are vulnerable, and you might lead someone on unintentionally if you’re not careful.
The ideal, of course, when time has gone by and hearts have been healed, is to be able to deal with each other respectfully. But that may come years down the road, and for some, it may never come at all. But your friends right now should be all the other people in your life who you were not married to.
For further help in your healing, you would benefit from Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage.
Elisabeth thank you so much for not saying we should be friends with our stbx! When I first read the title I was afraid I was crazy for thinking I needed to be friendly but not be friends. He has controlled my emotions for long enough. I need to be completely separate from him so I can think clearly and heal myself and my children. I have also seen the destruction that being friends with your x can lead to. I have a friend that has “been friends” with his x for nearly 15 years he has not been able to keep a relationship with any woman and I believe it has everything to do with his x. He feels he has to run his girlfriends past his x for approval, on their first date he takes them to where she works so they can meet, they take joint vacations, and often meet up for lunch or dinner. They say they were best of friends before marriage and should be after marriage, they just can’t stand being married. This is not healthy!!! We need to be able to move on. Friends come and go through different seasons of our life. If your spouse has been your only friend (due to isolation or just because) pray for God to give you new friends during this new season of your life.
Most excellent advice!! I can’t add a thing. For me, attempted friendship was a mistake. But since holding healthy boundaries, of course, I’m the one perceived to have a negative attitude. Whatever. God knows my heart. I am allowing the process of forgiveness to happen in my heart and I am letting go of a relationship that was unhealthy in every way imaginable. He is free to go forth into life without me. I just pray he treats others better than he treated me. (although there is no indication that this is remotely possible)
Thank you for this post! I too want to get to the point that I completely, totally forgive him. Still struggling…but getting there. That being said, I have been able to communicate respectfully and with kindness and he in turn has done the same. My desire is to show the “love of Jesus” to him, not anything more. While I call our separation and upcoming divorce “amicable”, that’s to say, we’ve agreed on ALL the mediation parts. I never wanted this divorce and am still in counselling…but he wanted his freedom, declared he’s no longer “in love” wants to continue the infidelity (is not sorry), etc, etc. BUT, we’re not fighting over kids, property or alimony, so I think it’s amicable. And I still pray for him. Only Jesus can give him what he’s searching for….not these other women. On the friendship side, I must say I can’t see us being friends in the future, just friendly and respectful toward each other in situations that may involve our grown children. I miss my “friendship” with him terribly, after 28 years, but one day, when the time is right maybe God will bring someone new into my life. Thank you, Eisabeth for your encouragement and incite.
I so agree with you. If you can be friends with your ex, why is he an ex? He should still be your husband! Hopefully you divorced him for a reason. Treating him respectfully, as you would any other human on the planet, yes. Be friends, no. This confuses everyone, you, him, your kids, both of your future mates.