Some conversations stick in my mind from years and years ago. I remember sitting on my couch with a friend while our kids toddled at our feet, and my friend was sharing a story about her husband and she said, “He just wants me to be happy.”
I laughed. I thought she was kidding.
Fast forward a handful of years and I was away with three of my closest friends and I was recalling a recent incident where I had been standing by my thermostat trying to cool it down by waving a piece of paper at it and begging Jesus to make the number go down, moments before my then-husband was supposed to come home, as I had it turned up higher than he liked and forgot to turn it back down in time.
They all looked at me, stunned.
I said, “What, you guys don’t do that?”
They shook their heads no and one of them said, “I’m pretty sure my husband would just want me warm and comfortable in my own home.”
I thought she was full of BS.
And one time, I was with a girlfriend shopping, and she was updating me on how her husband and marriage were and she said, almost in passing, “He just cherishes me.”
I started crying right there in the scrapbook store.
Clearly, my normal was so far from center and yet so completely ingrained in me that I honestly thought all those friends of mine were in the minority.
Until recently.
Because I’ve not just met a man who adores me and treats me well, but now that we’re planning a wedding together, I have been very, freakishly, pleasantly surprised.
Me: “Honey, how much input do you want to have in the wedding plans?”
Tall-Shadow: “As much or as little as you’d like.”
Gadzoinks! What?!?
Me: “What do you think about fill-in-the-blank instead of the traditional fill-in-the-blank?
TS: “Love it. Awesome idea.”
Huh?!?
Me: “Wedding question of the day: put in order of preference who you’d like to have do such-and-such.”
TS: “I want you to be comfortable. Just marry me.”
Heart melting all over the place.
And then recently, he uttered the words that I thought were simply folklore, “I just want you to be happy.”
Not that life is all about being happy (for the love, have you just met me??), but dear heavens, who knew this was out there?! So I’m here to tell you again, sweet ones who are divorced and wounded and in doubt, that what you were perhaps used to – mistreatment, abuse, lies, infidelity, addictions, pornography, someone who didn’t have your back, someone you were afraid of – that was not normal. Being treated well is. And I firmly believe it’s what God intended when he created marriage.
And I’m going to do everything I can to perpetuate my new normal as a light to the rest of the world of how Christ loves the Church, sacrificially, thoughtfully, kindly, with joy and hope and patience and redemption.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to work with you to move forward in your healing, and I’d be honored if you’d consider supporting my ministry as I reach out to help hurting women by bringing them hope.
I get what you are saying totally!
I am still surprised at how easy it is to live with my Mr. Wonderful. I seriously did not know it could be so harmonious and sweet, and I do feel treasured…and I love it!
This post awakens a longing in me to know this is true. Until then, I am basking in the love of my Heavenly Father and knowing that He is enough, even if I never know the love you speak from a man here on earth. His will. His way. Always. I am happy for you dear Elisabeth! Thank you for sharing this.Reading this, I know it is something I never knew the entirety of the 22+ years I was married. Sad, but true. But the relationship I now have with Jesus – well, I wouldn’t trade that for anything! I haven’t been able to say that and mean it until recently. For that truth, I am eternally grateful!! You are going to have a spectacular wedding!
I love this post for so many reasons. First, because I am thrilled beyond words for you sweet Elisabeth! God is so faithful and your story is a living breathing testimony of that. Second, because reading it was so painful for me, I know that means healing is finally taking place in me. When I read the title of this I cringed….it was a trigger. My former husband used to say ‘whatever makes you happy’ all. the. time. but that’s not what he meant. I’m guessing it was his way of putting it in my hands so I was responsible for his reaction. I was left guessing what decision to make that would not set off his anger on me or the kids. Until I read this post I didn’t realize how I had learned to not trust anyone who would say such a thing. When I read what your fiancée’s response was in those conversations, I felt myself bristle and anticipate the other shoe dropping. But then it hit me as I prayed, wondering how such a sweet little blog had left me all tense and frazzled, I’m finally learning what normal and healthy is. I am ‘de-numbing’, feeling the pain of healing and becoming the whole woman that God intended me to be. I’m so grateful I stumbled upon your work just over a year ago in the midst of the divorce. And I’m so grateful that God is speaking through you to reach so many of us with your amazing talent. And I’m so grateful that I’m finally feeling hope again, on my way to hearing ‘I just want you to be happy’ and being able to truly believe it.
(Sigh) Elizabeth, this is one of my all time favorite posts of yours. And that’s saying ALOT! Thank you. This gives me both hope for my future and relief from my past.
Aww, Elle…thank you for saying that. That means so much to me.
It is AMAZING to be married to someone who wants you to be happy. And yes, when I was in my first marriage, I had a hard time believing that was possible. I thought OTHER people might have that, but I would never. Well, now I do, and I praise Jesus for him. What a Godsend!
Wow, that post REALLY hit home. My marriage was conflict from the beginning… and I thought it that was normal or, at least, what I deserved. Our wedding planning was excruciating…. so many fights about everything from photographers to videographers, etc… Everything that people normally have at a wedding he fought me on (even though we had the money to do it). It was almost like he was trying to purposely “keep me down” by saying NO to almost everything I suggested. So I truly can’t imagine ever hearing “I just want you to be happy”. I *NEVER* heard that in my marriage… EVER. I’m glad you have that now. And I hope I have that someday too!
this refreshed and renewed my heart. after devotions I laid my head on my bible longing to meet Jesus face to face and experience that feeling of being loved and cherished. WOW as I deal with divorce and all the abuse I know my heart is healing. you post is hope to my fractured soul. I am so thankful God used you this way to bless. It has provided So much for me>! I’m So happy for your new relationship. WOW Praise Jesus. So exciting
I have heard “I just want to be happy” (said in a kind of whiny voice) but I’ve never heard “I just want you to be happy”. Hmmm. . . .
Also can relate to the thermostat story, except in our house it was items on the floor. Even tiny items, such as a bead or a piece of lint.
Elisabeth, I can’t even imagine your current life, or that of the lady who said that he cherishes her.