One of my sweet private Facebook group girls asked this: “How do you deal with this: my husband isn’t in love with me anymore, his heart belongs to someone else, but he is staying because of the fear of the judgment of God?”
My heart is breaking for this woman. It’s hard enough to be in a difficult marriage when it’s just the two of you, but add a third party who has taken over your place in your husband’s heart, and it’s near impossible.
She didn’t say outright if her husband is actually being unfaithful, but if he is, I want to make it clear that she has clear-cut biblical grounds to divorce him. I’m not saying she should or has to or any of that (I will never say that). I’m simply saying that she would be allowed to do so and begin the process of healing and moving on. She does not have to wait for him to do the divorcing.
But I’m going to assume that she is choosing to stay, that she is choosing to wait for him to take the first step, that she is choosing to try to remain committed to her marriage. So, sweet one, here are some thoughts.
I believe your very first step is to fully acknowledge your reality. The fact that you could form that question is a good indication that you are aware of what’s really going on. If your husband has outright told you that he no longer loves you, that he loves someone else, and that he is only staying because he’s scared of God’s judgment, your husband has, essentially, moved on, and has broken the covenant, and is acting as if he is not your husband. These are horrible, horrible truths, but you can only begin to heal and move forward when you are looking your reality full in the face.
Secondly, grieve the fact that your marriage as you once knew it is over. Yes, he may come back to you, and please feel free to pray for that with your whole heart. But even if he does, he has broken something that needs to be faced and mourned. You may even want to take a look at the five stages of grief and begin to walk through them with a counselor.
Thirdly, ask God what your next step should be. You may feel at a loss. You’re basically in limbo. You are married and yet you are not in a marriage. Your partner is no longer your partner and has moved on in his heart with someone else. God knows your circumstances, holds your heart and sees your path. Ask him to show you what’s next for you, ask him for the wisdom and strength and courage to keep moving forward.
Fourthly, pray for your husband. Pray that his heart is convicted and softened, and pray for other men to come around him and speak truth to him.
Finally, live your most abundant life on your own. You have a choice here: you can choose to let this emotionally kill you (and no one would blame you, really) or you could choose to do the best with what you’ve got. You are still responsible for every part of your life. You may have kids, a job, friends, family who need you. I’m not saying to sweep your pain under the rug, but I am here to gently remind you that, husband or not, Christ came to bring you abundant life.
This circumstance is heart-wrenching and I am so very sorry that you’re walking in it. There are no easy choices right now. There will be pain now and there will be more pain to come as you try to figure out what to do and how to heal. But there will be a time when there will be less emotional chaos, I promise you that. And God promises you his peace in the midst of any and all of your hard circumstances, so beg him for that now.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. –Philippians 4:7
If this post encouraged you, you’d benefit from “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage” found here or “World Split Open” found here.
AMAZING POST!!! AMEN! AND AMEN!!! THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS!! AND SHARING IT!! THANK YOU!!
To that woman — I am so sorry.
To that woman – – I get you and your pain.
To Elizabeth — excellent post, advice, and truth.
But I want to share my story — for almost 2 years, I could tell something was going on with my husband but I was convinced it was a mid life crisis and we had just gotten into a rut– and I would be flippant and say, ” I can tell you are not IN love with me…but we are in this forever”…. Sex continued and there were weeks of bliss and then a month of frustration and weirdness. And our lives became so busy and our habits of going to church — and seeking him – failed. As I could tell he was more and more distant with God, I got closer and closer. I sought therapy….I sought counsel but stopped going to church cause I was tired of the questions, “where is …….?” And we stayed busy. After a year of many tears, and fights and just unexplained stuff…. I finally just said, ” do we quit?”… And when it seemed one door would open, God would clearly shut it. At this point I knew both of us were walking a tightrope with God and our faith. I had been praying but began to pray that God would reveal the WHAT in HIS time. About 17 months into this….the other woman’s husband called to inform me of an affair. This affair probably spanned a total of 7 years …from just emotional ties to actual sex – but it did not matter — it was adultery. There was almost 2 years of no affair in that 7 and yet… I took ALL 7 to the cross. I forgave cause God forgave me. I too had committed adultery – spiritual adultery. And yes… I knew I had the options and the ball was in my court — but little did I know that God would so place in me the desire to remain married….that I knew that I knew that I knew… I would NOT face Jesus one say and hear the words, ” I asked you to wait on Me and you didn’t”. I wanted and I knew I was going to hear, “well done my faithful daughter”. A 6 month separation followed. Then — He moved home. Then basically another 6 month separation but we were under one roof. It was the most pain I have ever experienced. He only sought out some counsel — cause he wanted to be ‘free and clear’. But I continued to pray and trusted God and I just focused on the kids, spoke life, did what my mentor and counselor asked me to do…and I did what God asked me to do. I had to close some doors to the ones who continued to question me as to why I was not divorcing him and I had to learn to focus on what God was showing and telling me. God gave me a verse for him – “no condemation …etc.” and God asked me to show him grace and mercy. I had NO clue at the time, but God would reveal to me how this affair, even though it was a LONG one with periods of ‘not sinning’…that it still was a symptom of much greater stuff. However, every word like, “I never loved you” and “she was my soul mate” …have been redeemed and refuted. It was all lies of the enemy. IT took us moving- removing our selves from the neighborhood. It took a new church. It took new friends…. but along each path and step – HE guided. We have two children, ( now they are adults ) One wanted me to divorce – he did not care. Our daughter would look at me and state, “he does not have Jesus within him anymore and You can’t quit mom until God says it is ok”. It took the opening of his heart –and after almost 18 months of listening to the enemy, he reluctantly went to a retreat where other men of God prayed over him and God gave him a word of knowledge through a total stranger. He went to appease me and the Pastor that was trying to mentor him. This word changed nothing at first, but a few days later, God orchestrated something and a decision was made. I knew at that time, as God had done a major work within me that I was going to be fine. At that point – after 18 months and those other 2 years before hand…that no matter what – I would be in HIS hands – even divorced. So, I was finally able to fully surrender to God and trust HIM with my life and my heart. That had actually happened months before this decision day — but it was confirmed…and then, God could begin a work in him. It took then, A Christian marriage/sexologist…and a Pastor and his wife that went to their knees for us. But…again – I knew that I knew what to do – as I sought God. Now — To me, the ‘HARDER’ part was the restoration and redemption years. It took another 6 months as my kids call, ‘the awkward rental year “… where we moved and the 4 of us were now in a smaller home and far away from the 17 year home we had built and raised our kids in. Each of us coped in our own way. The therapist stated to find a new hobby, we spent some of the house money on a new Harley and he taught himself how to ride and then I joined him. Little did I imagine that God would use a Harley to re-establish what the locusts took. We basically started all over. Then God moved again and moved us to what our kids called the “healing house”. In this 2nd rental – it was almost 18 months of watching God move within his heart and change so much of both of us… we do have a new marriage and we consider this our ‘2nd marriage’…as we know that we know – we never fully gave God everything for the first 20 years of our marriage… We had a pool, I watched how my husband earned back the respect of his son…and his daughter now 21 and 17 …and we rebuilt many memories in that new place. We moved a 3rd time as the healing house we wanted to buy, was purchased by the local woman that won the lottery – yes, the lottery. She could afford the asking price for the healing house — that we intended to buy — after we rented it for another year. And then we moved again — just this past summer, as both kids are now gone and we are in a one bedroom rental. Our finances were depleated as we sold our first home quite quickly to get ‘out’ of the neighborhood and then we bought a Harley — but we also helped 2 kids finish and start college. So now — we celebrated 27 years this past summer — in a our ‘cottage’. And we have land and are hoping to build our SECOND dream house this fall. God has redeemed every hurt. Triggers will flood here and there – but we are different and we continue to seek counsel when we know — our flesh is winning. My husband will credit me for ‘being nice’ and fogivinig him and I thank God – that HE allowed me that same forgiveness. God is now using what Satan intended for bad — for good. We help and counsel other couples and will help host a Marriage Conference at our church this next weekend. It was hell and it was hard, very hard. We are almost 5 years from that phone call – 5 years in May. God has given us a miracle. I know I was obedient and faithful to WHAT HE told me to do, but my husband also reached out in faith — to a God he has known as a child…but he had never fallen in love with God….never trusted HIM. To watch the restoration of my marriage — to see WHAT God has done, gives me HOPE for ANY marriage and circumstance. God wins.
My best advice… seek God…walk slowly – one day at a time and as long as you are doing what HE tells you — nothing is impossible.
amen.