I was sitting in on a session about finances for divorced women led by a Christian divorce attorney and he said something that really struck me. He was talking about making big decisions and the importance of having wise counsel because in his experience, and he apologized ahead of time for what he was about to say, people going through a divorce suffer from slight temporary insanity (some more than others).
We all laughed a bit, but then I thought back to my separation and I absolutely have to agree. Yes, in some respects, I was rocking it, doing pretty darn well for a woman whose entire life was coming apart at the seams. But then, there were plenty of other moments that were just…well, horrible. Where I was a complete mess and I was completely messing up. I just was not myself physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally or spiritually.
Which is why I am so freaking adamant about not dating too soon.
I’m not even going to touch on here how I feel about dating while merely separated, because I’ve made myself pretty clear on that one. (Umm, here are the Cliff Notes: DO NOT DATE WHILE YOU ARE STILL MARRIED {i.e. WHILE SEPARATED}. Oh my lands.)
But I do want to touch on waiting to date post-divorce. Yes, this is just one girl’s opinion. But it’s one girl who, a) waited almost two years post-divorce before dating, and b) who hears story after story after story about people jumping in too soon, thinking they’re ready.
One story in particular sums up my reasoning pretty well. I know of a woman who started up friendships with two men, one right after the other, before her divorce was final and into the first year post-divorce.
And here’s what happened when the second male relationship ended. It got very quiet. (Because she had filled up the original, normal, divorce-related silence with men.) Too quiet. And she was left with all that she hadn’t worked through yet. And she crashed and burned. And it triggered divorce trauma. And it left her feeling lonelier than before. And she was confused and talked about regrets and she made some poor choices and her work even suffered.
And I believe this happened for one reason: because when she started seeing someone before she was ready, it was as if she pressed pause on her grieving process and she hi-jacked her own healing. And when the second relationship ended, it was as if she had just gotten divorced emotionally – like her heart was just now experiencing it for the first time – even though her divorce had been final for a year already. In other words, she was basically starting over with her healing because she had filled her gaps and assuaged her pain with men.
Which brings me back to what that lawyer said. When you are separated or newly divorced, sweet one, you are just a tad temporarily insane – or at the very least: not quite yourself just yet – EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU ARE FINE.
And you may think that you’re all healed up on divorce day, but you’re not. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but you’re just not. I even had someone mention to me that she was feeling some things a few months post-divorce that she hadn’t expected to feel because her separation had lasted so long.
Yes.
Because something happens on divorce day. I don’t know what it is. I can’t fully explain it. But something changes and shifts and you could have been separated for years and gone through DivorceCare three times and done every kind of grieving and healing exercise you could get your hands on, but then you’re divorced and it’s like an emotional clock resets itself and in some aspects, you’re just starting your healing. I’m sorry to say this to you, but it’s true.
So if you begin dating just after getting divorced, no matter how long your separation lasted, you’re potentially putting a stop to your healing. Your healing – which should be paramount to you at this time – will simply freeze in its tracks while you begin to intertwine yourself with another man, while you take your not-yet-fully-healed heart and hand it over.
Listen, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, you’re going to do what you’re going to do. I’m just sharing from my experience, and you know, about a thousand other women’s experiences. You may FEEL ready. But I care about you and I don’t want you to bring more pain onto yourself.
If you want to go into your next relationship ready – for yourself and for the man – give yourself plenty of time to heal beyond the divorce day. Too soon and odds are you will kick yourself later. And I say all of this with love.
Thank you. Simply thank you for the reminder of the pain I don’t want to experience again.
…so true Elizabeth!! Great advice. The day the divorce is final is hugely emotional on some level! I say…give the newly ended union the respect it deserves…even if it was a version of hell on earth…give that union the respect it deserves and mourn it! Give yourself that respect too…mourn! I initiated my divorce and so I thought I would be okay. It was a long time in coming and had to happen. For me the “really not okay” phase showed up months after the divorce was final. I am now almost a year divorced and I am just now feeling a closer semblance of being whole. I have a ways to go. I need this healing time with my God and close family and friends.
And just as importantly, the man you are dating would be wise to have some time between his final divorce and entering a relationship with you…otherwise, you may bear the brunt of his unsettled/unhealed heart. Some things just take time. I didn’t do this perfectly and my own Mr. Wonderful had only been divorced about seven months when we began dating. I dealt with heartache as he sorted through his issues that I would not have faced if he had allowed more time.
Two available hearts will only be truly available when they have done the work of accepting their relationship losses, working on their own parts and ready to move forward.
Thanks for your hear, Beth!
And sometimes two years is not enough. I waited 2 got married at 3. It was still too soon for me. 3 years later – divorced again. I am now 2 years down the road with much therapy and much more healing has been done. You really have to pay attention to yourself and make sure you really ARE ready!!
I was one of those women who had jump into a relationship before I was divorced and had one after the other. I totally agree with you. Three years after my divorce was final, while I was “on my feet” somewhat financially and had just bought a house, all of the sudden it was quite and I started to mourn the loss of my marriage and my sons’ alienation from their father who had recently announced the coming of a new baby and marriage. I took a year and a half off from dating and it did me a world of good, but a little late in the game. This Halloween the 5 year mark post divorce and still not remarried, but I’m ok with that. God has showed me how much he loves us and I’ve definitely deepened my relationship with him in the quite period.
AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!! Divorced 2 1/2 years…separated 7 months prior to that, and I know that I’m still not ready to date. Still wounds to be healed. I want to have hope that there is someone out there who will be a loving husband to me. I miss being married. BUT right now, I’m not ready. Thanks for this reminder!!
I must say, the thought of waiting is hard when you are older. I just turned 56. I have been separated 2 years. I’ve been trying to get a divorce for over a year now but my stbx is not cooperative. It’s not that he doesn’t want the divorce, he just wants to be difficult. I don’t intend on dating until I have my final divorce papers. But it does feel like the odds of finding someone becomes less, the older I get. It feels old to start dating at 58. Who knows though, I have no real desire to at this point, just talking out loud!
I do not think all cases are the same, as actually a woman from Divorce Care said. It largely depends on the person’s experience, how long she has been separated and how long she was married for and if it was her first or second marriage. This definitely affects her healing process, as well as what stage in life she is in and if she was emotionally or physically abused. Also, if she has been in therapy and counseling, and has done her homework to understand what went wrong, even though her ex-husband doesn’t want to agree on the terms of the divorce, I don’t think it would be fair to burden this woman even more, waiting for the healing of something that has already been called off by her ex-husband, and this is biblical actually (see 1 Cor 7:15). In my case, I knew deep in my heart I had married the wrong person, I went to therapy, my marriage lasted less than three years, (ex-husband checked out of the marriage) I had been brokenhearted before and the Lord saved me from that relationship so I knew He was in control. But I do I agree that in the vast majority of cases, it is better to wait until the divorce has been finalized, and even advisable to wait one year after this has happened.
Before I got married I got over relationships by jumping into the next one. I’ve been separated since February. I was unprepared for the emotions I would feel upon finding out that my husband is dating. I knew it was going to happen and I expected it but the reality of finding out and the associated feelings are totally unexpected!
I freaked out when I found out my ex-husband began dating and then living with a women six months before we were divorced. No one in his church said anything – they just let it happen. Yes, he was getting divorced, eventually, but that didn’t make what he did right. He even asked about reconciliation during that time! Really??!! I jumped into dating relationships and as a result, had some scary health issues. I began dating my boyfriend not long after my divorce was final. He has been with me through the ups and downs of post-divorce. He has been very patient with me. I have tried not to drag baggage into our relationship and I have been very honest with him. I gave him several chances to walk away from the relationship, no questions asked. He chose to stay with me. I am very grateful. He is a very wise man. Even though I did, I would say not to date right after a divorce. Give yourself time. Not all guys are as good and wise as my Bob. Give yourself time to find out who you are. You will be a different person after the divorce. Get to know and love that lady you see in the mirror. She is worth your time.