I thought I’d share how my relationship is going for two reasons: 1) because you all apparently care (which I’m basing on the crazy responses to any Tall-Shadow references on my writer page), which is totally sweet, and 2) not that I’m a dating role model by any means but simply so you can see the choices we’re making along the way.
Tall-Shadow and I live ninety minutes apart, so this means he and I are having to put in some serious effort (and mileage) to make this relationship happen. And though he and I are having our fair share of fun (mini-golf, go-karting, golfing, bowling, Starved Rock, Navy Pier, the movies, a boat ride, family dinners, double dates, and lots and lots of lunches and dinners both in and out, with and without kids), dating – for us – is not all fun and games. 
I am at the age where I am not dating just to be dating. I am not just hanging out with Tall-Shadow for the heck of it. He and I are both in it to see if we’d be suitable lifelong companions for one another.
Now, some of you may think that at under three months, that is just too fast to be thinking that way. You can think that all you’d like. But I am taking this journey very seriously, as is the sweet man. First of all, on almost every date, we ask good questions. I’ve even bought a bunch of dating-questions books and bring my Kindle along a good deal of the time.
Then, we worked through Freeway together, which was so great. I LOVE this small group material. In fact, in my twenty-five plus years of leading and being in small groups, this is hands down my favorite material yet. I cannot recommend it highly enough to do on your own, in your small group or as a couple. It’ll get you to open up and really dive in to your past hurts and to see the freedom that Christ wants for you in your present and your future.
We then finished that and met with his pastor to talk through some issues. I met with a sweet divorced woman who has recently remarried to barrage her with questions. And now we’ve started meeting with my counselor to begin talking through pre-pre-marital stuff (might as well figure all this out now, people). And we are going through Les & Leslie Parrott’s Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts book and workbooks.
Again, this may sound too soon to some of you, but my biological clock is ticking…and by that, I don’t mean as in to reproduce (for the love!); I mean that our combined age is 92 and we’re almost dead. We’ve been around the block. We’ve both been married. Life is short and we both know what we’re looking for, what we don’t want, the kind of people we want to be and the marriage we want to have this time around.
Now, one more thing I want to touch on. I know what it’s like to read someone’s blog or follow a musician’s career and feel as if I know the person…to feel like, “Well, that person did such-and-such, so I can too…” If you feel even an ounce of that with me, just by reading my blog, I want to gently caution you. You can “follow” me to the extent that I am trying to follow Jesus in this (but I’m still messing up along the way…I am totally human after all). But you cannot and should not follow me step-by-step in my process or in my timeline.
I told my daughter that I feel I have to do this all of this right because I have a thousand women watching me to see how I walk this all out, and my wise-beyond-her-years almost-eighteen-year-old said, “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself.” (She’s right.)
I may end up getting married sooner than some of you would think is prudent. (I also may totally not.) But what I need you to know is that I love Jesus; Tall-Shadow loves Jesus (ANY man I would even consider marrying would have to love Jesus); we are being prayerful; we are being thorough (trust me, I am leaving no stone left unturned); and because we have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us, we are the experts of our own lives, and have been given a spirit of wisdom and a sound mind to make our own decisions. Just like you.
So please, follow along with me, if you like…but please, do so more out of a healthy curiosity than as any kind of dating leader/guru/trailblazer. Because Jesus should be your one and only true Guide, and he is the only one who can tell you what’s best for you, just like he will with me.
If this post encouraged you, you’d benefit from Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage or Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the sweet company of this man and commend you for all the proactive work! I love that the way God works and leads is as unique as the people he created! You do not have to be THE example to all of us, just one example of the many ways the Lord works. Your daughter is smart! ;).
You are so smart. I had a friend who was 45 years old and dating a man that she told me she would never consider marrying. I asked her if she wanted to get married again someday and she said “YES!”. I then told her if she wanted to marry again but didn’t want to marry this man then why was she dating him. She ignored my question, moved in with the guy and was in a relationship with him for 7 years before it ended badly. You are doing the ground work and are right on target with Tall Shadow. I love your story.
Once again your transparency is so healthy for all who do read your work. Having been there and taken similar paths, just know that there will be bumps and bruises along the way – I promise! But you are doing this right and you are totally correct that both being in prayer about it means following God and that sometimes defies human logic. Dating at this age is different and you summed that up so well. Love you Elisabeth and praying for the very best for you and Tall Shadow – regardless of what you want, that means God’s will be done! Hugs!
Elisabeth,
I, too, commend you and Tall Shadow on all the proactive work you are doing together……:) Audience of One and His Name is Jesus……:) You are an inspiration to all…..
Praying…….
Elisabeth, I so admire your honesty and your obvious desire to honor Christ. I have gleaned inspiration and encouragement from your story, especially as I navigate a divorce after 34 years of marriage. I recently heard Marie Monville speak at a women’s retreat in Pennsylvania. Her first husband was the man that gunned down the Amish girls at their school in Lancaste, PA in 2006. He also committed suicide that day. Not only was she grieving the loss of her spouse, and the horror he committed, but she was also now a single mother to 3 young children. Within 8 months, she was remarried to a godly man where their amazing, Christ-inspired love story is told in the book “One Light Still Shines”. But our God longs to redeem us, to give us good things, and to restore us. You sound as if you are navigating this relationship prayerfully, and I give Him praise for your joy.
oh Beth, I am so happy for you and your journey sounds a lot like mine 🙂 We dated for 10mo, got engaged and were married Feb 14th, 2013….one year exactly from our first physical meeting (we talked on the phone/emailed for 6 weeks even though we lived in the same town). We too prayed, read, did Bible study, premarriage books/studies, met with our pastor and consulted with good friends and family. Heck I had him “go before” my prayer group girls!!! What a guy to do that…he must really love me!! I met some resistance about “going too fast”….but heck our combined ages were 101!! That is too funny you explained it that way….I think the person that objected the most was just jealous of me and she couldn’t handle it. I guess if she wasn’t happy, she couldn’t be happy for me, sad, but true. Your daughter is right, your relationship only has to be right before the Lord….no one else, but I get your love and concern for your girls. 🙂 I pray God’s amazing blessings on you and your man….He will let you know if this isn’t right…..go until God says NO 🙂
Lori
Hello Elisabeth thank you so much for sharing this and congratulations for doing that Hard work. You’re an inspiration for me right now because I also I’m getting to know a guy in a really want to do what’s best for the relationship, honoring Jesus at all times and leave the relationship in his hands. We want to make sure that we’re doing God’s will, and that we’re not going to follow that same unhealthy pattern that we did. Should you decide to marry, which appears the most likely thing, you will be very grounded and was good foundation in Christ.
You sound a lot like me and my second husband. Yes, things moved very fast. I’d say at about 3 months we were discussing marriage, and meeting with a couple to do premarital counseling. After all you’ve been through, you will know if it is right or not, as long as you KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN. I like that you are asking the hard questions, and getting advice from smart people who KNOW YOU. Very important for a formerly abused woman. I did the same. So, how did my story turn out? My husband is AMAZING! and our marriage is heavenly. In fact our only issues are with the pain of raising his children together. And I don’t minimize that pain. It has been REALLY HARD. However, one day those kids will be gone, and he will still be here : ). Halleluia, praise you Jesus!