I made a stark realization recently that left me very humbled. It came to my attention through a combination of a dear friend and the Holy Spirit that what I write may affect my children at some point, if not now.
I hate to say it, but that was brand new information to me. My justification all this time has been simple: my kids don’t read what I write.
But someday, they may. And though I do not aim to hurt the people in my life who have hurt me, I had to admit that in my quest to reach out to hurting women and in my aim to be as authentic as I can be, I sometimes write things that – though true – could wound.
This led me to the decision to change my professional name, hopefully adding a protective barrier between me and my former spouse, and between me and my sweet children. And though it was a difficult decision, it feels right for me and for us.
But what does this have to do with you as you are slogging through your mommy days, sweet one?
It reoccurred to me how profound of an influence we have over our children with our words. You have the ability to help shape the perception your children have of their father, whether happily married or devastatingly divorced.
You wield much power. And my question to you today is this: are you wielding it carelessly or are you wielding it well?
Are you thoughtless – even if unintentionally – when in moments of frustration with your husband? Do your children hear what you say under your breath about him? Do your children witness arguments? Do your children hear you venting on the phone with a friend?
Or, are you thoughtful about this? Do you build up your husband to your kids? Do you build up your husband in front of your kids? Do you point out to them what a good dad he is? Do you shield them from disagreements that are going off the tracks?
Even if you’re divorced, you still carry much weight and you still can take steps to minimize the negative your children see and hear, and – even if it feels like vinegar in your mouth – you can think of at least one or two kind things to say about their father to them that will help their relationship in the long run.
Our words matter. Our influence is deep. Our children are watching and listening and soaking every little thing in.
What are you saying?
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Moving on as a Christian Single Mom”, which can be found here.
How thoughtful to be concerned about the kids.
I’m wondering if this idea of supporting him could feed into denial for the wife and children which could set them up for accepting the unacceptable.
AMEN!!! and AMEN!!
This morning was a prime example of how things can effect our children more than we know.
My husband has a short fuse in general, but super short with our beyond strong willed 14 year old daughter ( We have 4 daughters & 2 sons, 2 oldest are in college, which leaves 3 daughters & 1 son still at home. And yes, they are ALL ours – married for 22 years).
He negatively spoke about her behavior to me, which had me ,be more like Jesus-ing him.
Making matters worse, he went to go eat some cereal, & there was not enough milk ( an anomaly In our house).
So then came the fridge door slamming, & slamming me with negative comments, “Spent $100 at the store and NO milk!!!” -stormed out of the kitchen, left for work early.
Before he left, our 16 year old daughter said tearful from her room, “What happened to what you said yesterday? No negative, critical, ugly talk? Thanks for starting my day off like this.”
I struggle with holding my tongue when it comes to the kids being treated wrongly…
I applaud your decision Elisabeth. You won’t regret it. I also write with a pseudonym to protect my children. This is the reason you don’t see my face, hear my voice or see me in public. It sure puts a damper on my marketing efforts when trying to sell my book, but I feel it is what God has called me to do. Bless you sister! Let us know how we can follow you with your new name! Caroline
I JUST had the opportunity to practice this very lesson last night. And trust me, I am SO NOT tooting my own horn, but sometimes you just don’t know what’s going on in those little heads of theirs – especially when you don’t know what’s being fed to them on the other end.
Somehow it came up about one of us having to move away for a job and who would “get to take” the children. It was actually kind of disturbing (and incredibly sad) how quickly my youngest responded with the “well, Daddy gets to take us.” She is nine, by the way.
Of course after backing up the train in my head that said “ain’t no way just because he makes more money than me that is he uprooting any of you and this is about control and blah, blah, blah, – all that unhealthy negative crap in my head – I took a breath.
I tried my very best to explain to her and her 13 yo brother in the car that although Mommy and Daddy are not married anymore we both love each of them very much and it would make us sad if one of us could not see them just like we do now. The words came out of my mouth “I want you to have a relationship with your father which means we do what we need to do to make sure we both live near each other.” I also reassured her that where we currently live is their home and Mommy and Daddy want them to feel safe and secure and no one was going anywhere.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I find it hard to bite my tongue, but you know what? I find those days so much less and less as I’m about the business of living my life and loving my children. I’m not worried about what goes on in his sandbox anymore. I’ve got my own garden to tend to and it’s so much more peaceful than jabbing and insulting.
I completely agree we need to speak postive to our children about their father and they need to see us speaking in a postive manner to him also. But kids still see and decide for themselves the truth they see. During our 25 years of marriage our children wanted their father’s time, attention, approval, to be a priority part of his life and not just when it worked out with all the other priorities he put first. They loved him and he loved them. But they lived a life of their negatives. didn’t get much affirmation and controlled by fear. He did not give them the chance to have the connecting relationship the needed, wanted and desired. Each child’s relationship with him was small talk and sports. During our marriage and since divorce I have tried my best to reassure the love and encouraging their relationships together. I tried to help our children and their father undertsand the other in a loving way while offering guidance on how to work towards a meaningful relationship. After the divorce an answered prayer, their dad found a relationship with the Lord. The kids and I have seen a change in the person he is but his actions have not shown the kids the father they still need want and desire. They have little of his time, rarely spending time with him or communication, showing them they are still not a high priority in his life and his other priorities come first. They see not enough effort to build a connecting relationship with each of them is not being made. I have continued praying, reassure everyones love, try to help the other to understand the other view and place. Give postive encouraging for the time and effort to build a connecting relationships together. But the kids still see his actions of living his life first spending more time with someone else’s children then his own. Building relationships with the woman he dates and her kids. Countless times I’ve tried to encourage and explain how important it is for him and the kids to have that time with him and to start any kind of visitation routine or schedule and establish something routine with our college child. It’s his choices to make I know and he thinks the kids should be showing him more of the effort. I encourage the kids but they need him to be the adult dad, taking that role of leading them and setting that example. I’ve been postive with both side and tried to help see the others view and encourage. Not saying I’ve always done it right but have really tried. It’s breaks my heart to hear what my kids have to say about it and truly sad what he is missing out.
So very true Elisabeth, thank you for sharing. And it doesn’t stop when they become adults either. I wrote about this very thing a while ago http://www.fromdustbeautifulthings.com/sons-watching/ and I was so thankful for the timely reminder from my son that it really matters what I say and do, because they are still watching. For their sakes and for my stepchildren’s sakes, my blog will remain anonymous for a while longer!!