(Oh my lands.)
Okay, so having a boyfriend is awesome. {Said like a Valley Girl.} No, but it really is great. Knowing there’s a sweet man out in the world crushing on me is pretty much one of the best things ever.
However, it’s not THEE best thing ever. Hang with me…
I’ve been noticing something odd: people are happy for me and for us. Okay, that’s not odd in and of itself. In fact, it’s actually really sweet. It’s not like I’d rather have people, you know, egging my house now that I’m in a relationship, but it’s the underlying vibe that I’m getting that I’m a tad concerned about.
Some of these well-wishers seem almost too happy for me. As if romantic love – let alone the gift of a second chance – is the ultimate goal in life.
Don’t get me wrong. Finding someone of the opposite sex – who you’re compatible with, who makes you laugh, who treats you really well, to love God with, among many other things – to walk through life with is pretty amazing. I’m grateful every day for this sweet man, no matter how this all plays out.
But I feel like I’m being ever so slightly gushed at. As if something had been missing from my life and as if my happiness depended upon finding a man and as if my happiness were supposed to be my main pursuit.
Because let me let you in on a little secret…even though I’m coming to terms with being happy in this sweet season, I couldn’t give a flying fig about my happiness.
Again, don’t get me wrong: being happy is great, but it’s not the pinnacle.
And again, don’t get me wrong: being a part of a couple is great, but it’s not the all in all.
I’ve heard everything from, Whew…we were worried you had closed up your heart and you were going to become a nun.
Really? C’mon. It’s called I was in a very hard marriage for almost two decades. And it’s called I went through a really painful divorce. And it’s called I needed to heal and stuff. Geesh.
Or, I’m so happy for you I could just burst.
O-kay… But please don’t.
He’s just a boyfriend. (Dude, I know you’re reading this…you know what I mean. {Author’s note: a super good boyfriend.})
But he’s not my Savior.
And he’s not my knight in shining armor. In fact, he asked me a little while ago if I felt I needed to be rescued. And I said, “Not anymore. And not by you.” Good answer, he said.
He and I don’t make each other happy. As Tall Shadow himself put it, I add to his happiness. Yes, exactly.
We should have both already been living full lives on our own before we met. And I totally was before he came into the picture.
The pinnacle – and you might think it’s easy for me to say now that I’m in a relationship but I would swear by this truth whether I were in one or not in one – the pinnacle is my relationship with God. That’s what is life-changing.
Listen to God’s word:
Your unfailing love is better than life itself. –Psalm 63:3a
GOD’s love is the pinnacle; not human love; not even the love of a really good man, as good as that gift is.
Has this sweet man swooped into my life? Yes.
Is he a gift? Absolutely.
Is he my everything? No. And I shouldn’t be his either.
Would we both be sad if things went south? Of course.
Would it kill either one of us? It sure shouldn’t.
In this man, I haven’t found my meaning and purpose. Jesus did that for me a long time ago, and continues to refine it.
In this man, I haven’t been completed, Jerry Maguire. For the love. Jesus completes me.
In this man, I haven’t found my raison d’etre. Jesus gives me a reason to get up each and every day. He’s also the one who actually, you know, literally gets me up each and every day.
So all this to say…if you’re happy for me, thank you. It’s very sweet and I appreciate it.
If you’re too happy for me, maybe look at why. What in your thinking perhaps needs to be tweaked to be reminded that our standing with God is way, way more important than what box you check under “relationship status”? Or as Paul says in I Corinthians 7:17, “God, not your marital status, defines your life.” (Msg) Are you, perhaps, living vicariously through those of us in relationships? The grass is not greener, sweet ones, it’s just a different shade.
If you’re not happy for me, I totally get that too. I would totally understand if many of you, my precious readers, would prefer for me to remain single for the rest of my life. I seriously get that. But know this: dating someone has not changed my perspective…it hasn’t made me forgetful…it’s just made me a bit calmer and is adding to my experiences.
If you’re in a hard marriage and wishing to be where I am now, I know. I remember. With every fiber of my being, I remember. But don’t go wishing too hard for something you do not have, for something that is not yet appropriate for you to be wishing for. Just keep praying. Just keep seeking help. Just keep holding on. God sees you. God will answer your prayers, and in ways that you probably won’t expect. God is loving you in your pain.
And if you’re divorced and single and wanting to be coupled up, trust me when I say that as good as it is, being okay with Jesus is better. Walking closely with him – even alone – and knowing you’re being obedient, and I say this from true, deep experience…THAT is the pinnacle.
I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. –Romans 8:38
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage or Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman.
Thank-you soooo much for this! I shared it and will alot. I am single and have been for a long time and I am okay with that and people struggle to understand why–??!! I am dating and have been doing CM also but just not the man God has for me yet. Thank-you for these words from where you are to explain that Jesus is our everything!! Not a man.
I am still in the process of sorting things out and nothing is final yet. My marriage may end in divorce. My biggest fear is that if there IS an new man that comes into my life, will I keep him in proper perspective? I’ve prayed about that already. I never want a man to be my savior again. I don’t want to fall into or willingly walk in to that trap again.
I want God to be the center of everything I do. I want the same for the man, whether he is my changed husband, or another man that enters the picture in the future. God has to be the center.
Thanks for sharing Elizabeth.
I am happy for you! But in the little that I know you, I am confident you will keep this relationship in the correct priority. For me, I had to consistently remind myself because it was so easy to lift my man up onto that pedestal…too difficult a place for any man to fill.
And with or without a man life goes on with dishes and laundry and bills and jobs, etc.
When people gushed, I found it was usually for one of two reasons. Either they were vicariously living romance through me since their own lovelife was more mature by this time in life or else they were desperately rooting for us to make it as proof it is still possible.
I’m glad you have found companionship. May the next season unfold with the Lord’s blessing.
Missy
Elizabeth, I think you just put words to what all of us feel in some measure. Incomplete. Well, that’s what the world sees as our plight as a divorced woman. It’s nothing we wanted. Nothing we sought after. Even worked to save the relationship. And now we feel everyone’s “pity” whether stated or unstated because we are alone.
So when we are blessed to find someone – a second chance – the world gushes at us because it’s easier than the unease they feel when they face us as a single person. Odd, huh? But you have NAILED truth when you encourage us to be complete, whole in Christ alone. Then you are ready to be in a whole/healthy relationship.
I am happy for you and praise God for all that He has done through your ministry. Thanks for keeping us encouraged to seek after God FIRST.
Amen, amen, and amen!! I’m going through a divorce, so new man for me for a while, but this…this is perfect. Well said.
Spot on!! I have experienced this as well with others a little too happy for me as if I couldn’t possible be okay single – that I must surely “need” a man. It made me wonder if I did not appear happy before when I thought I was or it was their perspective I must surely need someone to be happy.
My history is ex leaving our family week of 20 yr anniversary and I stood on the scripture of the unbeliever leaving and continued in prayer but his heart has not yet desired to follow the LORD and my heart has long since been healed by a faithful God. After 8 yrs single raising 4 children & serving the LORD (satisfied in no dating or in search of) I did re-meet someone and we dated, were engaged with wedding date set to find out in conversation he did have trust issues, not healed from previous marriage and we would not be equally yoked. Hard obedience when God said give me your Isaac, but hard and the right thing to do sometimes look the same. Others’ reaction were interesting to say the least, but those that have done hard obedience understood. I pictured the rest of my days with this man but not because I HAD to have him but because I so loved and wanted to be with this man. Huge difference. It has been a time of grieving those expectations lost. God continues to fill my heart full of Him. I really really love the thought of finding a Christ-follower to journey with but I will not be less me if I don’t -for I am in Christ.
Love this post! My path is in the painful marriage right now. “Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.” Isaiah 38:`7
My pain used to keep me from God. Now it puts me on my face before Him, and this is where I want to always be, happy or sad in this short life.
This is beautiful. I’m going to pass it on to my sister, 4 yrs post divorced and at times has seemed desperate to find a man who will make her “happy.”
Like PJ I’m in a difficult marriage, but clinging to Ex 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be silent.”
Staying silent is hard for me….but God knows my husbands heart better than I do, and He alone will comfort me and show me His will.
I have to put my trust in Him.
Teresa,
Let me encourage you with two other versions of the last half of Ex 14:14…
…you need only to be still…
and
…you shall hold your peace…
Blessings, sweet one,
Elisabeth
Elisabeth,
This was one of the best posts you’ve ever written. And it was done dignity and grace.
It reminds me that we shouldn’t put our hope in earthly possessions/things to “make” us happy – and yes, having a man/boyfriend/husband is something we will only have on this earth, as we will not be married in heaven (Matthew 22:30). So while “things” can add to our happiness, we must first be content and whole in Christ and keep our thoughts on the eternal, our eyes fixed on Him! 🙂
Since you have been raised to a new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven where Christ sits at the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not things of earth. For you died to this life and your new life is hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:1-3
Elizabeth, I have a question, which I ask sincerely, since any one of us in a difficult marriage could end up in this situation. What is your interpretation of Scripture regarding if/when remarriage is allowed? Thank you so much!
Grace, hope this post helps: https://elisabethklein.com/?p=3190
This might be my favorite post of yours. 🙂 Although as a Catholic, let me assure folks that nuns’ hearts are not closed… wide open to Jesus, in fact! They live and breath the “Jesus is my everything” truth. But that said, I’ve never wanted to be a nun… I wanted to marry. And now that I am married, I am so thankful for my loving husband. But.. and I’ve always known this!… you are so right here… he isn’t my everything. And he shouldn’t be. So happy you are happy… but more than that, so happy to see such a deep, abiding sense of purpose, peace and communion with God!
You have found the deepest Truth!!