So, earlier this year, I found myself falling in love, first time post-divorce. And it was a wild and sweet experience (mainly wild because most of the five-month relationship played out long-distance, without us meeting until the end, and mainly sweet because that good man treated me very well, even from afar).
And I learned a ton of things about relationships and what is healthy and what I should come to expect, but I also learned that I still had some work to do, as I struggled with giving my heart away too quickly and being a tad obsessy about the guy.
And, I’ve met someone. I’m going to refrain from giving details because I want to protect him and us and because I have no idea where it’s going. But just know this: he’s a sweet, sweet man and he’s super kind to me. (You’d all really like him, girls.)
But I’m finding something happening in me this time around that has never happened before in all of my (not-many) relationship beginnings.
Wait for it…
No relational swirly panic.
No wondering when he’s going to text or call.
No emotional vomiting all over the guy with every minute detail of my life and sin in the first five minutes of meeting.
Nope, none of that.
I’m just at peace.
In fact, my mentor said that I’m truly myself in front of him and one of my best friends said that I’m the happiest and most relaxed that she’s seen me in years. (And by years, I’m pretty sure she meant ever.) Tall-Shadow himself even told me he thinks I’m easy-going, which made both my son and I have a good laugh. (Got him snowed, girls!) (Unless, of course, I am easy-going with him.)
I was away for the weekend with a friend and she asked me if I missed him or if we weren’t there yet. He and I were in the middle of a not-being-able-to-see-each-other-for-six-days’ stretch and I said that I did miss him, that I was at the point where I’d rather be with him than not be with him, BUT that I wasn’t freaking out that we weren’t together. I’m not sure you can fully comprehend how huge this is for me. Or how freaking healthy. (He even told me that he’d like to see me every day but he doesn’t feel like we need to see each other every day. Totally on the same page; totally healthy place to be.)
And I think I might know why this is unfolding like this.
First of all, this man has told me that he is pursuing me. And I feel it in his thoughtfulness and attentiveness. And so because of that, I can rest in it. I feel completely secure. I don’t have to text and call and email and whatever all day every day. I don’t have to stop what I’m doing to check to see if that text that just came through is from him. I can get to it when I can get to it. And I don’t have to try to scare him away with all my yuck right up front, but instead, I’m doling out one story at a time, being appropriately authentic along the way. Because he has told me how he feels and I believe him.
And secondly, Jesus – as only Jesus can – must have done a healing work in my heart that is practically unexplainable between the first man and this man, because I am a different woman. No joke.
It’s the oddest feeling, I’ve gotta tell you.
And so I’m here to declare that no matter how old you are or no matter how much relational baggage you feel like you’re dragging around that you will never shake off, you can still change. You can still heal and be healed. You can find your footing. You can make course corrections. You can approach situations in a way that is completely different than how you’ve done so up til now, and it will be a beautiful thing to behold and you may not even know what to do with yourself, but you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has done a good work in you, and you will be grateful.
I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD. –Jeremiah 30:17