These past few weeks, months maybe, have been different for me. I worked myself into the ground and found myself crying during a leadership coaching session, telling my coach that I felt like I was pushing a boulder up a hill, only to have it come rolling back down on me. That I was working my butt off and felt like I had nothing to show for it. That I had next to nothing to give anymore. That I wasn’t seeing the point.
In other words, I was completely exhausted.
Later that day I made a decision: to take July off from writing and businessy-type plotting.
What unfolded was one quiet day after the next.
I purged every room of my house. I read a few novels (Me Before You, Telling the Bees & Saint Maybe to be specific). An Alias marathon took place on my couch. I took two, three, sometimes four walks each day. I took some bike rides. I took Oakley to the dog park. Sara and I meandered around downtown Geneva. And I just tried to stop thinking so hard, all the time, about everyone’s pain.
But here was the interesting thing. Though I was lingering in my quiet times and taking along worship music on my morning walks and my mind was about as emptied out as I knew how to let it be, I felt…nothing.
The first couple weeks, not only did I feel no restoration of my soul, nor did I hear a single anything from the Spirit, I remained exhausted and, well, done.
This is where the worker bee in me would normally step in and try to come up with another few spiritual disciplines to try out (as if, after over twenty-eight years of following Christ, I haven’t more than likely tried them all).
But I didn’t this time. I simply told myself that it seemed to me like I was in a desert. And that I might not know why. And that God could do whatever he wanted with me. And that sometimes, you can just be. You don’t always have to work yourself up into a frenzy; you don’t have to manufacture experiences or closeness with God.
So my friends would text, “How are you feeling today?”, I think, hoping, that one of those times I’d answer back, “Refreshed!” or “Heard from God today!” But I’d just start saying, “The same. In a desert. And it’s okay. I’m okay with it.”
So this seems to continue the very quiet lesson I seem to be learning and relearning in every area of my life these days, and it’s this:
Whatever I feel, whatever I’m experiencing, is okay. It’s all okay. And it’s all going to be okay.
And I’m going to be okay.
And…you can’t – for the most part – force yourself out of feeling something you’re feeling,
so acceptance is the least painful way through.
Desert seasons are not fun seasons. They are typically not hugely outwardly accomplishing seasons. They are quiet seasons, sometimes uncomfortably so. But I believe they are necessary seasons. I believe that things are being worked through – emotionally and spiritually – that can only be worked through in the silences and slowings and stillnesses. And I believe, like every other season, it will sweep back out, ushering in something new and different, with lessons of its own for us to learn.
Everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven. –Ecclesiastes 3:1–
What season are you in?
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I love the validation and permission to just be – accepting what is, trusting the Lord even in the dessert. thank you!
Acceptance is hard for me in all areas of life it seems. If I can just learn to accept what is – and let God do what God can only do in my life – then I wouldn’t be exhausted all of the time! 🙂 Sound familiar? I’m learning similar lessons right now in my own life. To accept things as they are and rest in God’s will – even if it is a dry place. Thanks again for your transparency and wisdom. Hugs to you my friend!
I think a common trait of “go getter” (type A) personalities is that we feel like we have to be accomplishing something all the time – working towards some goal or purpose. I, too, am in a dry season of just going through the motions at work (I’ve held the same job for almost 11 years. I am so grateful for the financial stability and benefits it provides, but frankly I’m bored). My oldest son just left for college, and my youngest is a busy teen with his own friends and life. I have no idea right now what God wants for this next phase of my single mom life. I feel antsy about it…like I should be working towards…something!? Like I should have some goal in mind such as a new career, or going back to finish my master’s degree, or dating…just something. I will be praying that you come through this season refreshed and ready for whatever God has in store for your future. Please pray the same for me!
I would call my season a season of “release.” I am trying to release my personal expectations of me and where I thought my life would be at this age (48). I am releasing the suffocating feeling that I must help everyone. Instead, I am releasing many “responsibilities,” paring down what I am doing to only what I feel is required. I need room to breathe. I need room to rest. I just need room. I, too, am not hearing a whole lot, but I do know this…it is okay for me to rest. It is okay if I am content to just do my job and help others that God himself moves into my life. I am content today to wait for those divine encounters to walk right into my life and declare “Here I am!”, as opposed to constantly seeking them out. I have released many “good” things, in order for the purpose of creating spiritual breathing space. And God is okay with that, for He paved the way by resting on the 7th day. I love your answer, that you are still in a desert but its okay. I tell people a lot when they ask about a certain situation in my life that has yet to change, that I am going to be okay no matter what. God may not change my situation, because people must cooperate with Him and often that doesn’t happen. But this I know: it is okay to sit quietly and declare the obvious: I am in a desert. It doesn’t embarrass God, hurt his reputation, or the like. Heaven may stand and applaud at such declarations. Here is to your season of release.
Karan
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