When I first announced my separation, I lost several speaking engagements. On the one hand, I understood where the people were coming from, being a former women’s ministry director, but I have to admit, I felt such shame in those moments.
I think one of my blog readers who commented last week hit the nail on the head: “I had one person go as far as to tell me that {God} doesn’t forgive {divorce}.” I think there are people who believe that divorce is the unforgivable sin. Or, at the very least, that talking about it is the same as condoning it, and no one wants to be caught condoning it.
But, as I’ve talked about here before, divorce is never black and white, even when it appears to be. I do not believe every divorce is a sin, though I do believe some is. See, even I – a divorcee – can’t see my way through all the grey.
Some things are cut and dry totally not sin. If I brought cookies to a friend because I care about her, completely not a sin. And some things are cut and dry totally a sin. If I had an affair with a married man, totally always sin (for both of us).
But divorce, grey grey grey. If my husband cheated on me and were unrepentant, I believe I could get a divorce and not be in sin. If my husband repeatedly abused me and were unrepentant, I believe I could get a divorce and not be in sin (sadly, many, many people disagree with this point). But if my husband just drove me crazy or I weren’t in love with him anymore or I found someone else who gave me butterflies, I believe that if I got a divorce, I’d be sinning.
HOWEVER, with that said, regardless of the circumstances regarding your divorce, I do not believe you will be forever frozen in some sin state. And this is where I believe so many of us divorced people feel stuck and feel shame. We feel labeled by others who disapprove of us and we feel the weight of our own guilt barreling down on ourselves.
But let me be clear: there is only one “unforgivable sin” mentioned in the Bible and it is not divorce. If you are divorced, you are not forever bound to your sin, regardless of how you got there; if you are repentant and have sought God’s forgiveness, you are forgiven and cleansed and free.
How dare any of us act as if God can’t forgive a divorced person. Seriously. Who deemed you the person to look at the cross and then look back again at our lives and shake your head with disapproval and judgment? Last I checked, church-going people, there is only one God, and you are not him.
My blog commenter continued: “After much Scripture searching and prayer {on my part}, she said it {to me} again. I finally had to speak up! ‘Do you mean that God can forgive a murderer but not me because I have been divorced? Do you mean that God can forgive thieves but not me? Do you mean that he can even forgive you for passing judgment on me and condemning me to hell, but he can’t forgive me? Do you mean that his word that says ‘there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus’ is wrong?’’ Yes, I believe marriage is meant to last a lifetime but, I believe God still loves me.”
Read those words again: “Do you mean that his word that says ‘there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus’ is wrong?” Whew. I’m probably preaching to the choir here because I doubt too many judgers read my blog; but if you have ever said anything like what this woman endured, or what I have endured, or what many of the divorced women I hear from endured, please consider asking her for an apology. And if you’ve even thought it, please think – for just a few moments – not just about your mound of sin, but about your mountain of judgments. You’re living in a scary place in your faith because if you believe divorce can’t be forgiven, then you must not believe your sin can be either. And who wants to live their life that way? It is the judger that I feel the most sorry for.
As my sweet girlfriend said to me in a text, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing!” Sweet divorced ones, start today to lay down your guilt and shame. If you’ve been on the receiving end of harsh words, know they are not from Jesus. Know that the person who spoke them was wrong. And instead soak up God’s grace and mercy. He loves you. He does not condemn you. You are free.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Thank you so much for your blog today!! It reduces the guilt I carry.
Last year I took a class, and the subject of sin came up. Sin in its rawest form is ANYTHING that draws us away from God. Does divorce do that? Yes and no. However the point that you made is Our sins are forgiven by the blood shed by our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ. Yes we are forgiven and yes God will always love us.
Amen. Preach it sister.
The loudest voice of condemnation that I experienced was from myself. Because after repeated betrayals of abuse and affairs, I was the one who finally said, “Enough.” I asked him to leave. I filed for divorce.
I remember as I prayed through that gut-wrenching decision, which I do believe was not a sin, but that God was freeing me to do, actually preparing me for a different life – delivering me from the bondage of my marriage. I remember having to come to grips with the fact that if I was, in fact, making a horrible decision and sinning agianst the Lord, He would forgive me. My life would not be wasted, written off or over. That even if I was wrong, He would walk through the consequences with me.
He will. He does. I am able to know now that I wasn’t in sin, but We can never feel good about a choice that ends what we beleived would last forever and which comes as the result of living in a fallen world.
The beautiful thing is that even in our fallen state, riddled with consequences of sin, God walks with us and draws meaning and beauty from what experience. It is His beautiful way of making good from that which the enemy meant for evil. Only our Lord could do this…It is His way, the calling card or hallmark of life lived with Him.
Elisabeth…..I must tell my story in hopes that many women reading this will be encouraged, set free in the name of Jesus by it….Seven years ago in November, in my quiet time, I heard the Lord say to me “It is time for my husband to make a commitment to Me(the Lord)(Nov 2005)…only being the messenger, I went that night to share with him…I was once again scoffed by my words to my husband…I continued to live my life in Christ the best way I could, drawing and drowning myself in God’s Word daily….In April 2007 I had a divine appt with a counselor…I felt in my heart that I was to separate not knowing where this would take my marriage..Long story, but in Nov 2007 God exposed issues in my marriage that showed me that, yes, I definitely needed to separate to see if repentance would come or not…I watched and waited to see how my husband would respond…He did not want to look at himself because he felt I was the problem…Ohhhh, how I hear that from so many other women…finally, when he saw that I was not coming home until he took a step towards Christ he relented to seek counseling that my counselor suggested, a man..After four sessions, I could begin to see some change but not really knowing if it was true repentance, for only time tells…After a seven month separation, confessing my fear, I reentered our home…Alot of good came out of the separation…It restored my son’s and husband’s relationship…our relationship was as good as it could be until my husband came to Christ by faith…I waited and watched…and prayed…The last five years I have watched the Lord bring a lot of chipping away to my husband..through his job, cancer and now death…He, I believe was one step away from coming to Christ by faith but he just couldn’t take the step but he believed based on God’s Word of John 3:16…believeth in Him and you will have everlasting life…I am sad, mad and glad all at the same time because our only child does not have his earthly father any longer but I pray that our son will come to see through it the wonderful Heavenly Father he has in a new way…Mad, that my husband would not listen due to pride and as God’s Word says “Pride goes before destruction.” and Glad that my husband has now come to Christ and has everlasting life whether he wanted it or not…For he heard the truth but life worries and deceitfulness wealth choked any fruitfulness out(Matt 13:22)The Grace of God is, I believe, across the board…Yes, we are all sinners and God hates divorces but He loves the divorcee…My husband passed away on January 17th, five weeks ago but it took longsuffering to see me through…and God is longsuffering and if I want to reflect Him in all ways I had to be longsuffering to allow the change to come…It wasn’t the total change I wanted to see here on earth but my husband is totally tramsformed by His Glory…My question now to God is: What does heaven look like for a carnal believer and a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ? I wait for Him to show me….I love your blog and thankful that God is using you to encourage other women, with honesty and being authentic from your difficult journey that only He knows and sees…He is our Protector, Defender and Shield…Now, the Maker is my Husband and His name is the Lord Almighty..Is 54:5 Much love to my sister in Christ…..Righteousness always prevails but only the Father knows the prevailing moment…
I am struggling with my situation and would appreciate any scripture-based feedback.
I have been married 19 years. My husband has never cheated or hit my daughter or me. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Not just a little, but a lot. To the point that my daughter went to her school to report that she did not feel safe at home. I was out of town and my husband had a major meltdown, including punching holes in walls, denting the refrigerator, and throwing and breaking dishes, to name a little. I have been living in the guest room for 5 years, hoping the separation would diffuse the situation. It has not. We separated November 11 and we are proceeding with divorce.
I understand asking for forgiveness for divorce. But intentional sin is a problem. I have no scriptural grounds for divorce. My husband is a believer. He was when he met me. He has not been unfaithful. So, asking for forgiveness for divorcing in the past seems to say to me that divorcing is something that needs to be forgiven, i.e., it shouldn’t have been done. I, however, am in the middle of it. How can I be forgiven for something I am chosing to do that the bible clearly says I don’t have the right to do?
Elisabeth, I probably would have been the one to throw stones at you, like the reader you were describing. (Though I wouldn’t have said Anything to your face I would’ve just mentally judged you and condemned you in my heart) NOT ANYMORE! And no divorce is not the unforgivable sin! I believe it is unhealthy & as well as unscriptural for any of us to tear down someone going through a divorce to have our own feelings on the matter justified in saying this to the woman who most likely mentally & emotionally is spent & just trying to survive each day. They don’t have a clue what she has been through or walked in her shoes! NOW I AM WALKING IN HER SHOES! I am the one going through divorce! Now I am the one who has other women asking me “did he file OR did you file?” Just to see who the one the blame(judgement) should go to! WOW! It just isn’t fair! And now that I am on the other side of it- I am ashamed for how I severely judged my women friends in the past! As this is excruciatingly painful on every level- no matter who is at fault! The fact is it is happening & I have nothing but mercy & love to offer to those around me now going through it! It is in this time we women need to support each other, pray, & fast for her! Encourage those broken. & wounded women! Not tear her down with your condemnation! Ask her if she needs help! Maybe cleaning her house- help her go through a closet – shovel her driveway- pay her bills- make a meal! There is a lot of depression that happens during this time & it is hard to make yourself do even the mist simplest easy – daily tasks! So now as a woman going through a divorce & almost at the end of it – I definitely see things from a different point if view! I can no longer judge another in the ways I have before! Nobody thinks divorce is going to happen to them- until it does!
Renee,
I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish we could talk face to face. I have touched on this a bit on my blog here. Please read https://elisabethklein.com/?p=3104 and https://elisabethklein.com/?p=130.
Renee, there is so much grace for you.
Elisabeth
Elisabeth, thank you SO much for your response. I am new to reading your blog and probably would not have gone back that far in posts, so thanks for providing the links. They provide a lot of clarity. Your blog has been helpful to me in dealing with my feelings about Christian divorce. And yes, I am guilty of judging those in the past have “sinned” by getting a divorce. Also, I experienced a church leader telling me the abuse was just something I was going to have to put up with. I am grateful for your blog, you scripture-based posts, and your honesty about your feelings. Until you have been in it, you cannot understand it. Especially those of us who grew up “knowing” that, absent infidelity, divorce was prohibited. Keep it up!
I dont know what to think and i am not going to judge either. I do question, Why is divorce necessary? The only reason one would divorce legally is to be able to legally get married again. There is scripture that encourages this.
1Corinthians 7:10-11
The only earthly reason for someone to file for a divorce is so that they can legally remarry?
If you are being abused why not take the steps to leave to be in a safe place and continue on that way.
In most states you dont even have to show up in court if the husband files….
i am just sharing my persective and how i have accepted it. If my husband files, he has to answer to God not i….
Lisa V, every case and state are different, I’m assuming, but I was told that to fight the divorce in court and fight to stay legally separated would’ve cost us more, drawn things out longer, and been even messier personally to both of us. He filed, and I didn’t fight it.
Elisabeth
Lisa, I had to file for divorce because if I did not my soon to be ex would still feel like he had control over me. Some men have mental issues and will continue to hold being married over your head as long as you are still married. They think they have power over you as long as you are still legally theirs. I needed to be completely free of his control, and out from under this bondage I have been living with for so long.
Thank you for sharing this! When I was little, around 5 or 6, my mom was ostracized in our church for being divorced. I didn’t understand why at the time that we stopped going to church when it got to the point that she shed too many tears every week to continue attending 🙁 When I grew up she gave me her wedding ring with the confession that she had bought it for herself in an effort to fend off “the vicious talk.” I have worn it ever since, even though she passed away only a few years after that, as a way to honor her for her love and sacrifice for her children.
I think that might a part of my fear of ending my marriage, because of all she went through as a woman alone in the world. She never did find love again and was very lonely much of the time. She did take great joy and solace in my brother and I, and we were very close always. I commend the brave women who have raised wonderful children with the help of God alone, and those children, like me, are very blessed indeed to have mothers who loved us so very much. I thank God regularly for the 21 years I had mine and I don’t think for one minute that He didn’t love her dearly.
I don’t think getting divorced can be a sin. God Himself said he was divorced. And that He was the one writing (filing) the divorce. I think if God can do it, so can I, for the same reasons.
He was? Where in the Bible does it say God was divorced?
Jeremiah 3:6-13
Awesome blog post Elizabeth. You nailed it. I stand with you – and I’m not divorced (yet).
I believe in 3 situations divorce is necessary.
1. Spouse unfaithful
2. Spouse abusive
3. Spouse sexually abusing your children.
Divorce is not a sin in cases such as these.
Thank you for discussing this topic…I have been divorced for over 6 years now, and what hurt more to me was the way my church family treated me during that time. My ex husband (a believer) was and still is addicted to pornography, and was unrepentant and didn’t think he had a problem. I felt that it was in the best interest of myself and my children to leave the marriage after 29 years trying, praying and counseling.
To this day, no one from my former church have called, or contacted me. In fact, if I see them out in public, they will avoid me. Everyone needs to understand, no one knows what go on behind closed doors, and they shouldn’t be the judge and jury in others lives.Our God is a loving and forgiving God, and He heals all the wounds of a broken heart, and gives so much more than what is ever imagined.
Elisabeth, thank you much for posting this. As I mentioned to you in my e-mail, I am struggling with possible separation. Donna, I totally understand how you feel. When I told some members from my church that I was thinking of divorce, I was judged severely. I was told that it didn’t matter how many times my husband had cheated on me, that I must forgive and move forward in my marriage. I was even removed from reading scripture during service because I was just CONSIDERING divorce. My church believes that divorce is NEVER an option-even if cheating or abuse is involved. I am certainly going through one of the darkest times in my life. I still hold to God and His grace. This blog is very inspirational to me. I look forward to reading all of your comments.
Elisabeth, just letting you know that I tried clicking on the links you provided above and they wouldn’t open. It said that the address no longer exists.
Which links, Amanda?
I very weakly tried to help a marriage keep going…I failed. But God didn’t. And my husband chose others to fill his needs instead of Christ. 25 years is a long time to be married, raise children, live in 5 states, have many family relationships. But he left me, he made the choice. I wasn’t perfect, but I was loyal and followed him and took care of my family. But I was human. Because He made me this way, He does forgive me. This stigma of Divorce is a form of “Legalism” which we should run from. Some hide behind it and act like because they have been married over 60 years that their life has been pure. We know better. Sin lurks everywhere. We eat too much, we gossip, we do a lot of things too much, and yet Divorce stands as the worst?? Thank you Lord for showing the foolishness of this.
Elisabeth,
As always…thank you for your blog….just to add tidbits to encourage….I have heard Beth Moore say “Shame and guilt is Satan’s stamp of approval…..yes, we the church definitely need to learn how to be sensitive and in tune to God’s Word and His Spirit as those hurting in difficult marriages can be encouraged or spoken truth to in love. Eph 4:15
I, too, was told my a man in ministry that if I separated from my husband that God would not bless my ministry….thankful that I was learning to keep in step with God’s Spirit…because the Spirit of God was leading a intervention to restore my marriage….the separation broke the “status quo” and a lot of good came from it….as we began to live a new life in Christ together after 30 years of marriage……I am sorry that it did not unfold as I would have it but my husband believed based on John 3:16 but God took him out of this world and into everlasting life with Him…..his fears blocked him from coming totally to Christ here….thankful for God’s grace and mercy….as we live under the new convenant of Jesus Christ….Gal 5:1
Praying…….