So it’s been a little while since I proclaimed all in one post that I had fallen in love and that it was over. But one of the huge life lessons I took away from that sweet time is that I do indeed crave partnership, despite what I had previously convinced myself: that I’d be just fine on my own the rest of my life. And so I told one of my best friends shortly after it ended that I was giving myself four weeks to grieve and overanalyze and then I’d sign up for a stupid dating site.
(And I must credit said good man because without him and his building me up for those five months, I’m not sure I would’ve had the courage to pull the trigger. So thank you, my friend.)
So, yes, I signed up for online dating. (And no, this is not what I wrote on my profile, but I totally wanted to.) And let me say that joining a dating site in your forties is like proclaiming to the universe that you indeed want to re-enter high school and all its awkwardness and self-consciousness and angst. Good times.
I’ll start by saying why I decided to do the whole online dating thing, despite how I feel about it. Let me think through how many local, single, godly men I know. Give me a minute. Oh yeah, one. And I gave birth to him sixteen years ago. So there’s that.
My best friends are girls.
My guy friends are married.
I work at my kitchen counter. And not a lot of cute, Jesus-loving, 40-something men hang out in my kitchen. (Though I’m hoping that changes soon! Bada-bum.)
I speak to women.
I write for women. On a hot pink blog.
I go to a great church but there seems to be mostly couples and the single women outnumber the single men by like a zillion to one. (Hey men, head to The Orchard! You can thank me later.)
I don’t go to bars. As in, I’ve never been to a bar. I know. I’m like ten.
I walk my dog in my neighborhood. Filled with families. (Though I do get the occasional catcall from teenage boys as they drive by, to which I usually graciously yell back, “OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER!” Super classy, I know.)
And I go to the grocery store. And I’m not about to walk up to a man in the produce section and ask him his sign or how to tell if an avocado is ripe or whatever you people do these days.
And that’s about it. Seriously.
So yeah. I figured unless God brings the next man to me the way he brought the last one (and I’m not revealing how he did that), if I want to meet someone, it’s pretty much online dating or seemingly nothing.
So I signed up. And I pretty quickly started getting messages. I swear I had to practically breathe into a paper bag the whole time. Some messages, oh my lands, I’m just so naïve. Just outright, first message, not even asking my name or anything, but jumping right to “dinner and drinks?” Umm, no. Especially if you’re nine years younger than my Dad. (No offense, Daddy, but c’mon.)
Or the “smiles”. What a stupid, inane concept. Listen, buddy, if all you can muster up is hitting the button that sends me a “smile” and you can’t even be bothered to replace the ridiculous canned message with your own words, I delete you. Woo me, people. Two clicks does not a wooing make.
But then a few came in that looked…interesting. (In a good way.) So I started an Excel spreadsheet called, concisely, “MEN”. Yes, I made a spreadsheet. Have you just met me? Of course I made a men spreadsheet. I was up to eight guys at one point, and I didn’t want them all confused in my head. And then once I realized I would be communicating with more than one at a time (which had never crossed my mind for some reason), I started pulling all our email communications into separate Word documents so I could really remember who was who. It was like the freaking Bachelorette.
And then a turn came, and I realized I was really kind of interested in just two. Hmm.
So one evening, I did this: (I know…I look ridiculous.)
(Crazy, I know.) And we had a good time and he was a kind man and he brought me flowers from his garden and I got to ride on a motorcycle on a beautiful summer night. But…however…when I got home, instead of hoping I’d heard from him, I was hoping I’d heard from the other one.
So, I pretty much knew in one date that I didn’t think he was the one for me. But I wanted to keep an open mind, because, I don’t know, I guess I figured that’s what you do, so I agreed to a second date with motorcycle man.
So the other one and I talked on the phone the next day, and it was crazy easy. An hour flew by. And we decided to meet the next night. And it was super connecty, filled with promise.
Ahh, but then. Well, life is funny sometimes. We spoke the day after our date and it was going great until he asked me what I was doing the next night and I replied that I had set up my already-agreed-upon-before-meeting-this-man-second-date-with-the-motorcyle-man. That apparently did not sit well. And some unkind words were said to me sort of out of jealousy or something. Wait, what?? We’ve known each other for, like, five minutes. And we’re on a dating site…I thought this is what you’re supposed to do.
And though he sent me several apology texts, which I appreciated, and though my counselor told me I live a lifestyle of grace dispensing (perhaps implied: occasionally to my relational peril), and I, of course, forgave him…umm, well, that kinda freaked me out. So I promptly pulled my profile down and now I’m taking a man-break. After only eight days. Gotta protect this heart, girls. I’m not saying I’m out of the game permanently, just benching myself for a little while so I can reassess.
So my lessons learned and my advice to each of you out there in the dating sector: boys can be kinda funny sometimes and life is odd and it can be a little bit weird out there. I’m kidding…I learned more than that…and I’ll tackle that next Wednesday. But in the meantime, be careful, sweet ones.
So, tell me, if you’ve tried online dating, what are one or two of your best tips?
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Oh Elisabeth! This post made me laugh!! There are women in my Divorce Care group that are beginning to date again, and are sharing their online experiences! I am thankful I can learn on the sideline! I am NOT ready for this! Even though I miss relationship like CRAZY and I HATE being alone all of the time, when I hear how all of this works online, I KNOW I don’t have the energy for all of this right now. I get to hear about a friend’s online date tonight actually, and can’t wait! She met him in person less than a week ago and has been out twice. I think dating moves a LOT faster in your 40’s that it did in your teens! YIKES!
I’m sure this will be me in a couple of years too… once I get past this yuck of lawyers and accountants and negotiating…I’m definitely open to online dating. My (ex)husband is really the only man I’ve dated so it’ll be weird but I think I know what kind of man I’m looking for and want so that helps! Good luck to ya!
Wow – I’m very proud of you for taking the risk! AND, I do think online dating has potential … Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac and the algorithms can be our servants to do find our match, right? It’s possible – I have two friends who have married through online dating!
For me, I knew I didn’t have the energy or the trust to take this route, although if I had been single for longer I think I would have mustered the courage. Because the desire for partnership is strong and real and it’s empowering to take the initiative. I applaud your demand to be wooed!
On a side note, Kim (above), YES – Dating in our 40’s does seem to move a LOT faster, but at the same time we are hindered by lots of complications like multiple children, schedules, jobs, debt, etc. which forces us to be cautious, thoughtful and intentional. My husband tried online dating and it gives us lots of stories, but overall he found it discouraging. Once, he was “matched” with a woman in his Sunday School class! She brought him cookies (to class!) and was a bit put off that he didn’t want to try a date! Now THAT is awkward!
A mutual friend set he and I up on a blind date and we hit it right off – it’s a sweet, sweet love story that I treasure. We will celebrate our one-year anniversary in just a couple of weeks. I wish that all women who desire it would find the kind of second-chance love that I have found and does make me feel like a seventeen year old again!
One of my suggestions – put the word out, to your friends, family, etc., that you would like company, you realize to you like being with someone and that you’re available!
PS – how much do I LOVE it that you made a spreadsheet!?!!!!
Elizabeth,
I was on a daring site years ago when I was single and guys are crazy. You met some nice ones then some other ones are out there. I got off the site after one threatened me on the phone this was our first conversation we hadn’t met yet. He hated women. It scared me. Today, after being married to a sex addict my husband was on 13 active dating sites and a sex personals site. When my divorce is final in about a month and I am single again I will not be on a dating site ever again after what I went through. My therapist said there are alot of married men that get on those sites. He treats alot of the married women in counseling. That brokeheart he said most women left after they discovered one dating site. I stayed a year after I found first one. We were married for 3 mths. When I found out. We dated for 2 years I had no idea he was this way he was so loving and when we were together all about spending time together. One thing looking back I see now he was on Internet constantly his computer or phone then tablet when we were dating said he was playing games. Over time he looked like he was cutting back on Internet only he would get on phone and go to bathroom etc. My point is before you go on dates with a man do a back ground check if they are married is public record. I found everything on my husband by Google. I became my own detective. That alone should have been a clue for me to get out of marriage and leave the toxic relationship he was Very abusive too. Hind sight is 20/20. I even found an ex girlfriend of his that had married so her name changed and added her on Facebook. I did this to ask her if hesent her flowers he got an email that said he did. He still doesn’t know her new name I never told him. Protect your heart be careful not every man on dating sites are pathological liars like my soon to be ex husband.
My own past woundedness kept me from trying online dating, too. My previous husband fooled around a lot online and lied about who he was … I’m not sure I could trust what others said about themselves. I guess, if I went that route, I would need to take it to ‘real life’ early in order to protect my heart and wisely vet the candidates.
I, also, endorse googling, background checking, etc. My blind date (now husband) worked for the school system, so I knew he had passed a background check, but I still did my own ‘research’ via Google to find out what I could, confirm he was divorce, etc. These things felt empowering and helped me to trust my gut.
Elisabeth,
So ironic that you posted about online dating, as I have recently tapped my big toe into that pond. So far; not a fan. I have decided that “man shopping” is similar to clothes shopping for me. I am one I those – go in the store, grab exactly what I want and need, and get out – kind of people. I HATE stores like Ross where I have to wade through racks and racks of unattractive clothes just to find that one top that I might be interested in trying on. That’s how online dating feels to me. Though it has provided me with much good laughter.
I also read an article once that cautioned women to beware… A ridiculous amount of men on online dating sites are actually married!
I may go with a couple single friends and try speed dating one evening. Have you ever tried that?
Thanks or the laughter and sharing your journey.
Edith
Elizabeth, I have just begun to step foot in this arena as well. Wish I could say I liked it. I agree it feels much like shopping. I have been on a few dates, 2 guys I knew within the first 5 minutes that they were not a good match for me. And one guy I have been on 5 dates with who has recently slowed down his contact with me. I am realizing how naive I am in this new phase of my life. I really liked this last guy, probably more than I should have for 5 dates. He seemed on board with taking things slowly, but in the back of my mind there is a conversation that men only want one thing. My issue, but coincidently we had that conversation and things slowed down:). So, I am trying to look at this and learn about myself. I am also trying to look at online dating as practice for me in setting boundaries and educating the other person about me, something that is new to me. I hope that if I take this approach going forward I may not get hooked on men if they are just nice to me:). But it was fun going out and I realized how much I missed the male energy in my life and being pursued. Just got to keep it all in perspective and be patient:).
I tried the whole dating sites and what a nightmare few horrible dates later with no connection and I decided it wasn’t for me.. At first is fun your getting all this attention but when I sat and looked at my choices I promised myself I wasn’t going to settle needless to say I met a great guy who actually turned out to be married :/ that would be my luck after that experience I hung up my gloves.. I found out from my experience and friends on the sites most men on there aren’t looking for anything real and that’s not for me.
I lasted less than 48 hours on plenty of fish, because they can actually message you for free and the messages I got freaked me out. Very forward. If you send a gal a very first message and all it says is “hi sexy” or “do you have more pictures, beautiful” it just feels dirty. I have ventured into the online dating thing a few times, with a few sites, only to get creeped out and pull down my profile. But the weirdest part is even trying multiple times, at different stages in this walk of mine (I’m almost ready to hit my 5 year mark), I’ve only ever talked with four guys, never asked for my number, never asked to meet. So either Daddy God is protecting me, or I am just too old fashion valued for guys to want to risk it. Or both. I literally had a guy respond in his first message, after reading a profile, that there was no way in h*** that he would wait for marriage. The last straw for me, was having an okcupid (not sure if that name is right) account for 24 hours before having my profile checked out by my ex husband. It actually explained a lot in one way, but completely freaked me out in another.
I think a person has to be a lot thicker skinned than I am to have the online dating thing work for them…I just don’t handle being talked to the way a majority seems to think is ok.
I don’t have any experience with online dating, but I seriously had someone chatting me up in the produce department at the grocery a couple months ago. People really do that?! Apparently.
And, I kinda love the spreadsheet <3
Dating sites can be a great tool when used with prudence and wisdom.
Personally, after reading your story about motorcycle dude, I would have said “no” to him, apology not withstanding. You’d already had your internals tell you after one date that you didn’t want another, so I see his inappropriate negative response as a second warning bell, since you had difficulty accepting your gut after the first date.
I thoroughly believe that it takes a maximum of 3 dates to know whether or not there is life-long potential worth pursuing. “Gut feelings” can tell us pretty much all we need to know, but most women never fully allow their gut to develop. Too often, just as you did, they talk themselves out of what they *know* because of interference from the false ‘religion’ of “Nice Girls Do…. ” (There’s also a subset of this falsity, “Nice Girls Don’t…)
I hope, in time, you’ll allow yourself the freedom to explore online dating again, seeing it as merely another tool with which to expand your “swimming in the ocean” skills. 🙂
Loved your story! Thanks for sharing your experience! It made me smile a mile wide:) Best of luck if you decide to continue your dating website endeavors!
elizabeth I loved your post and I am so proud of you for disconnecting when that ,I’ll call him a gentleman, freaked out on you. that was very inappropriate behavior on his part. My best advice for anyone who does online dating is one be safelet people know where you going me n a mutually agreed upon public spot or even better, go on a group date with other people bowling or something like that. Do be aware that most ,I do repeat most, of the people you will meet are not keepers. if you don’t know that you will have the ability to just delete or stop talking to many of them don’t go on in the first place. Know your boundaries.
elizabeth I loved your post and I am so proud of you for disconnecting when that ,I’ll call him a gentleman, freaked out on you. that was very inappropriate behavior on his part. My best advice for anyone who does online dating is one be safe!!!! Let people know where you going, meet in a mutually agreed upon public spot or even better, go on a group date with other people bowling or something like that. Do be aware that most ,I do repeat most, of the people you will meet are not keepers. if you don’t know that you will have the ability to just delete or stop talking to many of them don’t go on in the first place. Know your boundaries.
Elisabeth I have to say I have had some of your experiences and your stories sound very familiar. I am 35 and to this day single. Husband walked out over two years ago, divorced a little over a year. Ex-husband married his affair partner 6 months after the divorce. (Major blow to my ego!) I too had a difficult marriage, tried everything within my power to make it work, but ended in divorce. Looking back divorce was the right decision to make, but being a single mom is very hard. Being lonely is hard too. I have dated and thought I had met the right one….He was a sweet, kind, Godly man and I quickly fell in love (or at least I thought). Problem was he lived 3 hours away and both of us knew that long term it would never work. The few months we “talked”was a very bright part of the past few years (heck maybe my whole life). I agree with you on the “sex” issue and I withheld, not that I did not want to have sex, but mainly b/c I knew it was not right in God’s eyes as well as the fact I knew I would get hurt even more than I did. Like you my friends are all married, co-workers are all married, and my church, which I love, love, love, is full with couples. So I was talked into “Online” dating….UGHHH is all I have to say. I agree all the Smiley faces and winks…annoying. I did feel like I was in high school all over again. Not only did I get a few marriage proposals from some men I had not even met yet, I also got some very distasteful pictures from some I was going to meet up with, but after the pictures did not. I went on a couple of dates and the feelings were just not there. I am at the point in my life I will not settle and trust me some of the guys were not very happy with the fact that I was not settling. Some were just down right rude. Sometimes I feel as though it could be me since I was hurt with my marriage and my disappointment with whom I thought was “Mr. Right”, but I also believe in an Awesome, Loving God that will let me know when the time is right. One of my very good friends made this comment to me “God is still molding your future husband.” I believe she is right. I believe that for all of us!!! I would recommend a book for all to read…I found it reassuring and comforting. It is fiction, but based upon Godly principals. “The Galilean Secret” By: Evan Drake Howard. Best wishes and prayers for you…”God is still molding your future husband!!” – With Love – Christal
Christal, I LOVE this!! “God is still molding your future husband.” I’m believing that with all of my heart – for you, me and everyone who is clinging to God during this very difficult storm!!
And Elisabeth!! I just spoke with a friend who began on line dating two weeks ago, and she too has started a spread sheet!! I about died laughing when she said that after reading your post earlier today!! There is hope!
BUT I’m still not jumping into this dating pool!! TOO DEEP for me!!
Hey Elisabeth! I loved reading this! You’re writing is so on spot!! Funny as anything! I have a friend who is single and in her 50’s. She’s tried this online dating, and says also to beware! Lots of the men are older than they say and will admit it in person. But if they lie about that, what else is not true? I agree….the thought of some dirty old men viewing my picture does creep me out. I suppose you can delete them like you said.
Well, maybe there is a ministry opportunity here somehow! Since churches are so large now, the singles aren’t very visible. It does make for sad dating prospects when all one sees are electricians, gardeners and an occasional cute UPS guy. Whoo Hoo! Such a variety there. No telling if they are married either! The single guys are out there, and maybe just like someone said to just get the word out to certain people you know that if they know of a guy who meets a list of requirements (that you’ve typed up for them), you would love to be introduced!
Let’s hope The Lord hears our prayers in this stuff!
Hi Elisabeth, don’t be discouraged, it’s a great forum to meet lovely men. I consider myself to be an online dating “success story” as my beautiful Godly husband and I met online 2 1/2 years ago. I had several forays into online dating and really did enjoy it, because I did my research first and got advice from trusted friends. I definitely made some mistakes, the biggest was dating before I was really ready.
My top tips would be these:
If you want a Godly Christian man, then only date on Christian sites. Yes, you can’t be totally sure, and there will still be men on there who say they are but don’t really understand what that means. But I figure a site that proclaims loud and clear their values has got to be the first step in sifting the chaff and I’m all for minimising pain and suffering!
Secondly, I agree with Linda – have some “not negotiable” rules of dating, like always telling a trusted friend or family member the important details. I chose my (adult) son, who first thought it was a hoot, but after he finally stopped rolling around the floor laughing (in the kindest possible way) at the thought of his mama dating like a teenager, he took his role as my “protector” very seriously. I told him the man’s name, his mobile phone number (already verified) and where we were meeting (always always ALWAYS a public place). I always let the man know that I had told my son these details too.
When I first met my (now) husband, he proved himself right from the start on this one by offering for my boys to come on our date with us (I said thanks but that WOULDN’T be necessary!!)
If I’d felt the need, I would have had a secret observer, a friend willing to sit in the same cafe and observe from a distance, but I never felt the need and honestly, if I had I would surely have had to ask myself “why am I meeting someone with whom I feel the need to go to those lengths?”
On the issue of meeting multiple men, I think it’s important to let men know from the outset that dating sites work differently for men and women (in my experience). I met countless men who said “I’ve had no responses” whereas for me it was like an avalanche as soon as my profile went live (and I don’t think I’m anything special). So to those that I agreed to meet, I would tell them straight up “You need to know that I’ve had X contacts and I’m intending to meet other men in these early stages, there’s no other way to know whether we’re a good match”. Anyone who was offended by that was giving me a sign of their immaturity, in my opinion (and there were plenty who did).
At first I found it really difficult to “reject” a “kiss/smile/wave” because I’m a sucker for the underdog and I felt really bad saying no, but after a while I found I just had to because it became overwhelming. I always picked the kindest rejection response “Sorry, but I’m inundated at the moment”. Then I got that one back myself one time and realised that as kind as it is, it still stings!! There’s just no easy way to do this one, so you have to be prepared for it and take a deep breath. You simply can’t meet everyone.
If anyone said “I think I’m falling in love with you” after 2 or 3 meetings that was my cue to run a mile (yes, it did happen, go figure).
I learned early on not to continue the online/email contact too long. It’s just too easy for someone to be who they’re not via email chats, and you can easily feel like you’re falling for someone who writes with aplomb. It’s best to meet early on in the piece and shatter any illusions that may be developing, before your heart gets hurt.
The bottom line is that dating is a risk to your heart, and if you’re not ready for it then don’t go there yet. There’s no hurry. I met my husband at the age of 48, married him at 49, and am now enjoying amazing new love in my early 50s, as well as the new challenges of life as an imperfect stepmum!!!
Apologies for the long comment and many blessings as you navigate this next stage in your journey, trusting Jesus with all of it.
With love xx
I met my husband online and for that reason I’d be very wary of recommending people do it. But… my one tip would be do NOT meet someone out of your local area. Its way too easy for a person to lie if you start off long distance. They can tell you who they want you to believe they are and by the time your invested (even if you meet in person early on) you don’t see those red flags as easily because they’ve told you how they are. I didn’t get to see my husband for who he was because we started long distance then he moved to be near me so I didn’t see how he was with friends, church, family, it just moved really fast and he was able to manipulate me. So my tip would be only meet local people that you can meet face to face fairly early on and if you think the relationship is worth pursuing make sure you see each other in your elements with family and friends.
Undeniably consider that that you stated. Your favorite reason seemed
to be on the net the simplest thing to understand of.
I say to you, I certainly get irked whilst other people think about concerns that they plainly don’t know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the highest as neatly as outlined out the whole thing without having side effect , other folks can take a
signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thanks
Wow, this was really helpful Elisabeth! I am currently writing my second book, entitled, “A Journey to Healing after Emotional Abuse.” In it, I have a chapter about dating. I wanted to write about using a dating service, but hadn’t tried it personally. Your blog, and the comments from your readers will be so helpful as I write this section. Thank you fellow friends for your comments!!
Thank you for any other informative website. Where else may just I am getting that kind of info written in such a perfect method? I have a venture that I’m just now operating on, and I have been on the glance out for such information.
This drama of going to the movies just does not end there. The running duration of this movie is about 101 min. Just before Christmas, international interest in the game erupts, coercing Paddy Power to pull out, leaving the show completely in the hands of Rodman.