“She told me if you’re honest with people, they trust you.” –Julie Klam
Simple, gorgeous, and so very true.
I hate being lied to. Let me rephrase…I hate finding out that I’ve been lied to.
Just think about the expense of energy when you’re in conversation with someone. The person tells you something. You are present. You react, you respond. You internalize what this person has said. You move on with it as if it’s truth.
Now think about the interactions between the lie and finding out about the lie. Think about how you moved deeper into relationship with this person as if this person were a truth-teller and not actually a liar. Think how you invested, and gave more of yourself, and shared your heart, all under the false assumption that intimacy and authenticity were your shared reality.
I’ve learned a lot the past several years. But maybe the best lesson is I’ve learned who I do not want to be, and who I do not want to be anymore.
Who I do not want to be is this: I do not want to be a liar. I want people to trust me. Deeply.
Who I do not want to be anymore: I do not want to blindly accept lies as truth. I want to be discerning.
I want to become how I want to be treated.
What is one character trait that you’ve been hurt with that you can turn around and make living amends for by enfolding it into your life?
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Who I do not want to be anymore is this: I do not want to be an arguer or a nagger. I want to establish and respectfully communicate healthy boundaries
Amen, Margaret!
That’s the crux of the matter for me. When you discover someone is a perpetual liar about big things and little things alike, trust is completely and utterly broken. I have discovered without trust there can be no relationship. Sadly the other person doesn’t get this and so we dance around in circles, going nowhere with no hope of reconciliation. Yet I am the cold and distant one???
Oh Trina, I’m so sorry. I totally get it. It’s not cold or distant to feel you need to protect your heart. -Elisabeth
This hits home. I have not been able to put into words how being lied to has made me feel. You have done an excellent job here of conveying that.
And to Trina above, I can totally relate to what you are saying. We’re going around and around in circles, too, b/c trust is completely gone.
Ashley, I’m so sorry…but I’m glad I could help you flesh it out a bit. -Elisabeth
If anyone can give me some ideas about the continuous process of getting past the result of the lying! I am strggling with this most of all. I know a lot of it is in forgiveness, but to be lied to for YEARS and not know it? That’s me. So now I don’t trust my ablity to discern the truth about anything and don’t trust my judgement about anything. It’s really hard. And the distrust totally negates any possibility of even having a relationship of any kind with my ex becuase I don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth, and have totally cut him out of my life because I’m afraid of him twisting anything I say to him out of context and continuing to lie to others about me. It is HARD!!
Kim, this post might help a bit: https://elisabethklein.com/?p=1710. -Elisabeth
Thank you, Elizabeth!! Totally resonate with this – so sick of ALL. THE. LIES!! I never want to put anyone else through the pain that I have endured, therefore, I will tell the TRUTH!
Oh Jen, I’m sorry. But I get it. Yes, we now know what we want to be like. -Elisabeth
what about the flip side, now don’t get me wrong….lying is a sin and we shouldn’t ever do it, but what if you lie to someone because you fear condemnation from them? There is a fine line between reproaching in love and condemnation and control. I did it to escape the legalism/judgement from her (a friend). None of my other friends, who knew just as much with my situation ever made me feel this way. I feel bad that I had to lie to her, I have repented and asked for her forgiveness, but she won’t give it to me. I have done all I could for our restoration, even offering to go to counseling together and her response was “don’t hide behind counseling Lori” wow….I think she is the one with the issues. Bottom line we have to choose not to have toxic relationships.