One of my male readers (bless his heart) wrote the following comment on one of my posts:
“I think your readers may build a stronger hope if they knew what makes a ‘good man’.”
I’m not sure I’m the one to fully answer this, and I’m not fully sure that what makes a good man to me is what makes a good man to anyone else. But I believe that there are a few things you can look for (or if you’re a man, a few things you can strive to become).
A relationship with Christ that is self-sustaining. What I mean by this is, did he have a relationship with Christ before you came along? Was he already attending church on his own? Could you tell that spending time with God was a priority before you came into the picture? This shouldn’t be something that you have to nudge along. And this isn’t about words. This is about who he is, and it’s foundational. Seriously. If your walk with Christ is important to you, you will want a man whose walk with Christ is important to him.
Humility and admission of wrongs. Give me a man with a past who is truly sorry and walking around with a softened, changed heart over a man who won’t admit he’s done anything wrong, blaming everyone and everything for his problems, any day of the week.
An awareness of his own brokenness. This flows out of the last point, but a man who thinks he’s got it altogether when he so clearly does not (because, if I can point out, none of us do) is a relational ticking time bomb. But a good man knows his areas of weakness and is open about them. Huge. Like game-changing-ly huge.
Pursuing. If I’m having to do all the actual legwork (calling, texting, setting stuff up) or the emotional initiating (asking all the hard questions, never being asked back), that’s just not a good sign. I want to feel like the man wants to know my heart.
Accepting. I spent two decades not being myself, because if I were, I would be criticized. A good man will take me as I am. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be open to change or try to become a better person or woman or Christ-follower or friend or fill-in-the-blank, but for the most part, he should be pretty happy with who I am. In other words, he should just plain like me without trying to change me.
Conflict resolution. How a good man handles conflict is a pretty big deal to me. I apologized for things I didn’t do for over twenty years. I now only apologize when I’m wrong. The good man will apologize when he’s wrong too. And kindness should win over rightness. And when the conversation is over, you shouldn’t feel smaller. You should feel like you both owned your parts and understand each other better and even have a little plan in place for how to handle the issue next time it comes up.
Support/investment/encouragement. I’m lumping all these together though they are each super important on their own. But a good man will be proud of you, will stand beside you, and will build you up. You should feel like a better woman when you’re with him. If you feel depleted or put down or misunderstood as the norm, that’s not healthy.
A caveat: I was sharing something with a girlfriend who’s in a very healthy marriage about how when this good man and I had the occasional issue come up – which was rare – that we had to work through, how we actually talked, and we listened, and we each asked how we could have handled it differently, and we owned our parts and apologized (I even got an “I’m so sorry, baby” once…I know, right??). But my friend said, “That’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t want you to think the norm is this high bar thing. That is what you should always expect from now on.” Good, good point. And very good to know.
Ladies, there are good men out there. As you move through this season of life, think through what’s important to you. Prepare yourself to have to patiently sift (ugh, I know). Pray to have wide open eyes to discern a man’s true character from the beginning. And…and this one is key…cultivate in yourself the kinds of qualities you are looking for. Lean into Jesus to become a good woman.
What’s on your “good man” list?
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
First and foremost, “what makes a good man?” isn’t gender specific, it’s the same thing whether one is male or female. It’s *teachability.* Without a spirit, heart, and mind that is yielded to being teachable, nothing else can happen to result in being a ‘good man’ or a ‘good woman.’
Krikit, totally agree…this goes both ways. And yes to teachability…HUGE!
Great list! I like all of the suggestions you made. I would add: a sense of humor. When life gets tough, that goes a LONG way. Someone who can laugh about himself – even better.
Caroline, awesome, yes! -Elisabeth
Similar to your #1 – I need a man who has a long history of walking with the Lord. Love that – need it. I cannot sustain a man’s faith nor do I want to be responsible to develop His walk with the Lord. I want to support, encourage and provide space for what is already there.
Missy, so good…yes, we cannot sustain someone else’s walk. So true. -Elisabeth
A man who is solid in the faith, who is honest and transparent with his heart.
Kim, YES to honest and transparent. -Elisabeth
I like everything on that list above, especially the relationship with Christ and the conflict resolution. Well, and the acceptance too.
I want a grace-junkie, a guy who is so full of awe at what Christ has done to save him that that awe and love in return for Christ and others pours out of him. I want someone who is excited about his God, and his God’s work.
And I want, and NEED, gentleness and kindness. My ideal guy would also find me delightful. I so wanted to delight my husband, but nothing delighted him, and most certainly not me.
When I find myself drawn to anyone–male or female, friendship or other–the first thing I notice afterward is that the person was kind and gentle. Those are key characteristics for me after living so long in violence and purposeful destructiveness.
Rebecca, oh my word, yes…grace-junkie…love it! Kind and gentle, super important. And YES…to delight someone. Totally get it. -Elisabeth
it’s a revelation to me (sadly) that these things aren’t setting the bar too high, like your friend said. i still struggle with believing that in my heart of hearts. i think i need to read this EVERY DAY!
Stephanie, I KNOW! When my friend said that, I was like, “Really??” 🙂 -Elisabeth
He must love God. He must be kind. And he must be a cowboy (sorry, couldn’t resist).
But where have all the cowboys gone???
It just takes a little time and they will get their feet back on the ground…
Nice.
Thank you so much for this post! This is so telling for me really, and what I needed to read. My ex just texted me saying he knew our marriage demise was his fault mainly, that he would always love me, and that he would set me free to decide what I wanted to do with my heart. But after almost 2 years since we separated this is the first time he actually admitted the extent of his actions against our marriage. And my codependent nature wanted to go ahead and tell him things that I should not have said, because it is his responsibility to work and make things right, not mine. But as you said, when there is conflict, we have to actually talk, listen, own our parts and apologize and that’s how it’s supposed to be, always, as that is what healthy and mature human beings are supposed to do.
You’re so welcome, Melanie! -Elisabeth
Perfect Elisabeth. you nailed it! That’s EXACTLY the man I’d be looking for.
Janet, so basically, we’re looking for the same guy??? 😉 -Elisabeth
Great list! I would add: faithful (not a cheater, into porn, or even a flirt), honest, humble, respectful of women (actually respectful of everyone), and a man who puts his family’s needs above his own.
Laurie, agreed! I think I need bigger list! -Elisabeth
One of the first things I talk to my nieces about is a man who is not afraid of accountability. A man who has an inner circle. A man who is living this life with the support of other men.
Shannon, I LOVE that and totally agree. -Elisabeth
Great post, Elisabeth… These were all characteristics that were on “my list” so this totally resonated with me…The only thing I would add is STRONG BUT NOT CONTROLLING. Committed to protecting and nurturing while allowing their woman to be who God made her to be rather than expecting her to fit some mold.
I praise God that my new husband gets a resounding CHECK on every one…There really are good guys out there and I’m grateful to have found one. There IS hope!