During my marriage, I resigned myself to my reality: that I would not have the kind of partnership that I had dreamed of, unless God did a miracle. And since, for my sanity, I had stopped praying or hoping for that, I’ve been living with this reality for a very long time now.
And then I got divorced. And a very big part of me assumed I would be single for the rest of my life. Again, I had resigned myself to that. And I tamped down any desire for that partnership. And I lived my life the fullest way I knew how.
I mothered, and I was a friend, and found a church, and I spoke, and wrote books and blogs, and led small groups, and tried to reach out to other hurting women, and I went on bike rides and to concerts and girls’ night outs, and to Michigan and California and New York, and did my own grocery shopping and…you get the picture.
I lived my life.
I was grateful for my life. For the new deep peace and relational and circumstantial calm that filled practically every crevice of this existence that was now mine.
In other words, I was doing just fine before he came along, thankyouverymuch. I was going to be single. And I would be okay.
But then I met him. And my heart cracked wide open, unexpectedly, and let him in.
And now, well…the bear has been officially poked and then woken up and no amount of tranquilizer darts can make him go back into hibernation, I’m finding.
Because what I had with that good man was a small taste of partnership. And now I know that I very officially want that. He woke something up in me, which is both a gift and yet simultaneously is driving me mad.
But here’s the thing. I think, sometimes, when you don’t have something that you want, you make it bigger than it really is. And I am allowing this desire for partnership to become an entity all to its own. It’s as if sadness and loneliness now hover around me like enemies that I just can’t shake, no matter what I do, no matter how much I pretend.
Or, as I told a girlfriend, I can’t seem to get my heart back (at least, the version of it that I’m comfortable with).
And I don’t want to be that lonely longing girl. Because here’s why. I fear if I indulge myself in this want, this craving for covering that a good partner could bring…if I long too intensely…that one of three things will happen:
1) I will come across as totally desperate to any potential suitors and scare the living daylights out of him/them. (Lord, help him/them.)
2) Out of desperation, I will settle. (Breathing? Check. Awesome, let’s do this.)
3) God won’t give it to me to teach me a lesson. (I know, nice.)
(Which all of this leads to begging the question: am I forever broken/needier than the next woman or was I created to long for this particular kind of partnership that I caught a glimpse of? The old Beth would’ve blamed this whole thing on my wounded heart and called it a day; but the more I hear from other women, the more I think this is innate. So I’m going with that.)
And so I do what I know to do, which feels like almost nothing anymore these days: I beg Jesus to help me and heal me and make me whole. And I ask him that when I hear from him – in any form – that I listen and believe it and let it sink down deep. Like when I read this today:
Blessed is the {woman} who trusts in Him; there is no want for {she} who fears Him. {She} who seeks the Lord [I’m totally trying!] shall not lack any good thing. –Psalm 34:8,9,10–
Which is beautiful, and made me gasp at its intimacy, except that I know this means spiritual things and not physical/emotional/human things necessarily. So then I come to him again in my fullest heart honesty and tell him this:
Fact: I miss him. Fact: I’m doing my best to let him go and move on. And I’m getting there. Fact: I want a husband. Fact: But not just any husband, I want a really good husband. Fact: I want to be a really good wife to someone.
So, Jesus, please do one of these two things: Bring me the right man (now-ish). {insert sheepish grin} Or lessen my desire for this invisible man. Or, yuck, teach me to keep living (as well as I can) with this as-of-yet-for-forty-three-plus-years unmet desire and loneliness. I need healing.
Yes, I need healing. And, Jesus, I want my heart back.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
I can relate, although my longing was less intense because it seems you had a foretaste of what you desire. Even through my divorce, I believed I was created for partnership and trusted, had confidence deep within that I would one day remarry. I do believe that is how God made me and He wouldn’t have made me that way, given me the skills/experiences/desires without providing a place for them to be used. I feel most myself when being a helpmeet to another. It is my profession and often my role in the church and with friends. I valued these relationships, but knew the possibility existed for more. This confidence and trust gave me reason to hope in the future when I felt despair in my present circumstances.
I grossly underestimated my emotional response when it happened – and it happened through no power of my own. I assumed it would happen almost like a partnership and contract, I didn’t expect the fireworks and passion, that was an extra gift! My thoughts are to BE the kind of person that my kind of person would want, work on myself with the Lord trusting Him to bring it to pass. I have full confidence that he will for you!
I understand your current season of confusion, loss and pain. What are some take-aways from the relationship? Can you mark the things you are now aware that you need? Are there dealbreakers that will help you avoid future pain? How did you connect? Can you believe that God may be protecting you for something even better and more suitable? Have you romanticized the relationship through the lens of loss and distance? Have you done any daily life with this person to reveal the act realities and ups/downs of life? I know it’s easy to put someone on a pedestal…I would caution against that so that you are free to see possibility in another man. Have you established your bottom-line wants/needs in order to eliminate those who would not be a good fit?
I look forward to hearing how the Lord blesses you. I do believe you will be connected and rewarded with love and partnership – He is good and withholds no good thing.
So sorry for the hurt today. It just stinks. And it’s hard to get back to ourselves. Take good care of you.
Missy
Missy, thank you for your sweet thoughts. I have actually already journaled through each of these questions already (I’m nothing if not emotionally thorough!). I so appreciate your encouragement. -Elisabeth
You need to remember you are grieving right now — it’s as if he has died. Grace grace grace to you!
Thank you, Michele. Yes, it is a grieving… -Elisabeth
I believe God is shouting a message to me again. 🙂 You are the THIRD lady – divorced from and delivered by God from a bad marriage – who has been through this EXACT same thing!! And while it is not comfortable, it IS a necessary part of healing. The fact that you can recognize everything you just expressed in this post is solid proof of how far you have come in your healing!
What do I get from this? A clear message to PAY ATTENTION!! For you see, one day, perhaps I will have this same glimpse into healthy relationship, and I need to be very, very sure that I am aware of my own needs/healing/emotion, spriritual state so that I can realize whether or not this is what God means for my life.
Right now I’m in a place where my life is fillled to the brim with good things and good friends and good church family and the entirety of the male race could move to another planet and I’d be happy. But in the future that will change, and it is my prayer that I will be well aware of the condition of my heart and able to accept that there may come a time when I will have to walk the path of heartache again – but I will do it with the grace and strength of faith that you exhibit so transparently in your posts.
Gentle hugs, my friend!!
Hahaha…”the entire male race could move to another planet and I’d be happy…” That made me smile, Kim. And thank you for the gentle hugs… -Elisabeth
I can definitely relate to everything you have said in this post. I, too, long for that partnership. I think sometimes we do fantasize things that we don’t have. Right or wrong, those are desires within us and it is very difficult to be patient and wait for God’s plan to unfold. I know.
Angie, yes, you get it. Keep reading, my dear. -Elisabeth
Wow, this is a wow. I am sort of different from you. I never truly desired a relationship. I did the girl fun stuff in my 20’s, then I became a christian and then bam I want to be married. I am absolutely terrified that living the christian life means that I will forever more shall be totally and utterly alone. So your words really touched me, all we can do is pray because God withholds no good thing from us, even though we feel like we are dying. It doesn’t help when everyone in your circle is getting married either. But I have learnt to say ‘Thy will be done’ and trust that i can find peace whatever His will is.
I wish you peace!
Yes, sweet Ebbie, trusting that you can find peace no matter what… That is so key…and sometimes so very hard. Thank you for reading and commenting. -Elisabeth