So, Monday, I posted this on my Facebook writer page:
And one commenter asked, “How does one know when they have?”
It was such an excellent question that I thought I’d try to address it here. I don’t know how anyone but me knows such things, but here’s what happened in my case.
I had the pretty rare opportunity for some additional closure. This good man reached out to me, after reading my blogs, to see if there were anything he could do, anything I needed from him. So I hesitantly and prayerfully asked him a few questions. And in those questions and answers, some extra healing came.
You see, my pain in this relationship ending is three-fold:
The end of the hope of a future for the two of us.
I feel like I’ve lost a best friend.
I felt rejected.
And in talking things through a bit more with this man, I was able to set the rejected portion aside. It was in that where I felt the heart-shift, and that made such a difference. I was no longer having to, for the most part, sift through feelings of not being enough for him specifically or as a woman in general. Huge, huge weight lifted off my shoulders. In fact, I even told a friend that I was choosing to believe that he didn’t feel a peace to move forward not because of my awfulness but despite my awesomeness. (I don’t actually think I’m awesome…it was just something I said to my friend.) But you can see the shift in thinking, right? And you can probably see how that helped me move a bit more forward in my healing.
And with being able to lay that part of the equation aside, I felt myself turn an emotional corner. As in, I said yes to meet a friend for coffee. And I was singing in the car again (I hadn’t sung in the car in two weeks.) And I was, you know, wearing something other than my pajamas. I felt an actual change in how I felt. Like I said on Facebook, my heart felt light.
But there is a caveat here: Grieving and healing are not methodical. (Oh, how I wish they were methodical.)
Though I turned said corner, I’ve been crying on and off for about two hours now. Because the other two parts remain. I am still grieving what I thought we might have been able to have one day, but even more than that, I just miss him and I miss his friendship and I miss how he made me feel. I ran a couple errands today, and he usually kept me company on errands (technology is a wonder) and so I’m lonely. And my heart hurts.
Right now, I feel worse than I did yesterday. But on the other hand, I do feel better than I felt two weeks ago or even three days ago. Life is funny. It’s not an every-day-is-better-and-better kind of deal. Things don’t work that way.
So here’s what I suggest if you feel the way I felt…stuck…sad…waiting for a shift…pray. I’ve been praying to feel better. I’ve been asking Jesus to heal my heart. I’ve been asking him to fill up the empty spaces. I’ve been asking him to sit with me in the loneliness. I’ve been asking him to comfort me. I’ve been thanking him for what that experience meant to me and for the healing and strength that I know he will bring me. So, that’s where you start for sure. You pray, and you wait in expectation. And you remind yourself that stuck and sad and lonely won’t kill you.
But how will you know if you’ve turned a corner? I think in some grieving processes, it’s a moment by moment thing for years. But then I think there are some times when you will just wake up feeling different, feeling better, feeling lighter, like I did. In other words, sweet commenter, it’s probably a little different for everybody and you will just know.
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. –Psalm 30:5b–
Oh, give me back my joy again; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. –Psalm 51:8–
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
PRAISE THE LORD!!! and AMEN!!! It IS a process, and it is different for each person!! But the promise of God’s WORD is the same for each of us!
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. –Psalm 30:5b-
Oh, give me back my joy again; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. –Psalm 51:8-
My divorce was final two years ago in April, and it was this past January before I felt healed enough to reach out to others. For the past six months, God has poured good and godly women friends into my life to help me continue to heal and allow me to reach out to others. Last evening I sat and talked with a young college student whose parents had divorced ten years ago, when she was in her early teens. She gave me insight and encouragement from a totally different perspective. Today I continue to rejoice over this!! Healing comes in God’s time. We just have to keep our eyes focussed on Him and cling to His promises!! Thanks Elisabeth!!
Kim, yes, I LOVE that God’s word is true for all of us no matter where we are or what we’re going through. Thank you for reminding me of that. -Elisabeth
Okay, you have turned two emotional corners; one with the ending of your marriage and two with this “good man”. After you turned the corner how did you come to know this was a “good man”? What are the specific things that lead you to have “hope of a future with the good man”, “the good man becoming a best friend” and “feel rejected”? I list “feel rejected” because to feel rejected, one needs to have some investment in the other person. In this case you were probably emotionally invested; you gave him a piece of your heart! I believe your readers may build stronger hope if they knew what makes a “good man”. From a male perspective, I am trying to re-learn what makes a “good man” as well as a Godly leader in the home.
From one of the 2.5 men who read your blog. Maybe 3.5 because of the “good man”,
Elwin
Elwin, though my list may be super specific to me, I will attempt a blog post soon on what I think makes a good man, Stay tuned. -Elisabeth
I struggle with the verse on joy in the morning. I’ve been in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 13 years (19 total years). I’ve messed up the marriage as well because I didn’t make wise choices in response to the abuse. I’ve prayed till my tears and prayers have run dry. My husbands heart is stone and God doesn’t always change the hardness of mans heart. My husband will never file because though we live separated in the same home, I take care of him and children in addition to full time employment. He’s got it made. I’ve asked for help, I’ve out my foot down and So I sit in sadness, loneliness,
Shoot…..I bumped send accidentally trying to correct a typo. I’ve put my foot down and demanded help. He ignores and I end up stepping up again because it’s the children who suffer. I sit in sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness because it seems all roads lead to hell. It’s been night for 13 years. I’ve given up hope for morning.
Sheila, sweet girl, I hear you and I understand you and I know and I’ve been there. If you’re not already, I’d like to invite you to be a part of my private Facebook group for women in difficult Christian marriages. Please send me a friend request at http://www.facebook.com/elisabeth.corcoran if interested. Also, my e-book, Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage (www.elisabethklein.com/store) and Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307731189?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creativeASIN=0307731189&linkCode=xm2&tag=eliskleicorc-20) could help you as well. I’m so very sorry for your pain. I’m stopping to pray for peace and comfort and strength right now. -Elisabeth