I know I said I was done with the break-up posts (I lied), but I had one more thought that I wanted to toss out there because I think we all will find ourselves in this place where I find myself, and I don’t think it is relationship-ending specific, though many of you who read my blog are in this very same spot.
I believe that I would have been a very good wife to this good man. And I believe he would have been a very good husband to me. And I believe we would’ve been the kind of partners in ministry that I have always wanted. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we were good to each other and good for each other. Those beliefs of mine haven’t changed just because he didn’t feel a peace about us moving forward in a romantic relationship kind of way.
And yet, I must move forward. I’m not going to try to convince him to marry me, or, you know, trick him into marrying me, or, worse yet, pretend we are actually going to get married. We are done.
But I am moving forward with some unanswered questions. And this is how I am choosing to fill in the blanks, even if I’m wrong. (Denial can sometimes be a beautiful thing.) (And babe, feel free to weigh in on this in the comments if I am just making stuff up. J/K!)
I believe said man would agree that I would be a good wife for him and that we would be good partners.
But I am choosing to believe that this good man’s lack of peace is from God, which I am parsing out in three ways:
2. God withheld peace from this man as a way to protect one or both of us. Not that we would have brought about utter desolation to each other (sorry, random Alias reference!) but who knows what we can’t see down the road. I’m also not quite ready to jump on the ‘God-must-have-someone-better-for-both-of-you’ bandwagon just yet because I feel it minimizes the sweetness of what we had and, well, I’m the jealous and immature type and don’t want to picture him with someone “better” than me. Icky. (Someday maybe; not quite yet today.)
3. About eight years ago or so, I was absolutely convinced that our family should adopt a little girl from Africa. I begged God. I begged my then-husband. I told God, as scared as I was to pray this, that I would take my then-husband’s answer as God’s answer. The answer came back no. A gentle no but a no that sent me reeling. And I felt the Spirit impress something upon my heart that I have never forgotten. I felt him say as clear as day, “If you think this man can thwart my plan for you, you are giving him too much credit and me not enough.” Bam.
And I can apply that statement to this scenario just as easily. If God wanted us together, oh my lands, God would put us together. And because this good man, as much as he loves Jesus, cannot thwart God’s plan for my life, God must not want us together.
In other words, I am resting heavily in the sweet, confusing, mysterious, magical sovereignty of God.
What is your unanswered question today? What are you walking through that seems murky and non-understandable? A recent, abrupt job loss? A recent marriage ending that doesn’t make sense? A recent death that came too soon?
Are you, like me, able to pull back just a little bit from the pain of the moment, from the details of the situation, and take a broader view?
That, even in your pain, perhaps God is working.
That, even in your pain, perhaps he knows what he’s doing.
That, even in your pain, perhaps he is protecting you.
That, even in your pain, perhaps he is preparing you.
That, even in your pain, perhaps he is providing for you.
That, even in your pain, perhaps he is making a way.
That, even in your pain, perhaps something new and beautiful just may come from this.
And that, even in your pain, perhaps he loves you completely and wants you whole and holy and free and is doing what he feels is best for you.
Can we, just for today, rest in that?