Jesus, this has the capacity to shut down my heart. Of the few men who have known me and chose to leave me, this one may hurt the deepest because he really knew the real me (I finally let a man see me for who I really was).
There is not one more new insight that can come my way that will break this wide open. I am going to have to move forward without resolution and clarity and answers, knowing that on walks or bike rides or in the car or at the grocery store or in church or as I fall asleep, the blurry thoughts may cross through my consciousness that no man will stay, that no man loves me, and I will have to decide a thousand times and then a thousand times more not to entertain that notion, not to sit with it, not to take it on; but instead, without evidence to the contrary, will have to shoo it away and grit my teeth in an unnatural act of defiance and hold back tears (or maybe not hold them back) and whisper to myself, “But Jesus loves me,” or something like that, and it won’t assuage the pain and it won’t dissipate the loneliness, and I will have to continue on on the outside as if my heart isn’t fractured and perhaps irreparably wounded.
I wasn’t expecting the pain to run this deep. I have never been one to numb or deny my pain, so I don’t intend to start now. And yet, so far, on this one point, it’s not fading.
I don’t have it in me to heal myself. My choice then, it seems, is to enfold it into who I am now. I must learn to live with it, to walk with an emotional limp, until the day when I realize it is no longer there, if a day like that should ever come.
Until then, I walk on. I live. I breathe. I sleep. I write. I mother. I feel. I cry. I move forward.
And I pray, Jesus, hold me closer.
Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain,
Keep my soul, and deliver me;
For I wait for You.
–Psalm 25–
If I could share, I’ve been where you are. What I finally came to after a few rejections is that God had someone better for me, someone He had in mind and I began to focus on my relationship totally and completely in the Lord — lost myself in Him. When my husband came along I actually was leery because I didn’t want anything to get in the way of my relationship with the Lord — to the point that I said yes to the date, and then I said no — for another year! My husband waited. He took his time to get to know me, was my friend, and always in group settings. At the time I didn’t even see what God was doing, but now I’m so very thankful for it! After a year-ish, he asked me out for coffee. I began praying that if this man was not God’s will for my life, that He would close the door. We did coffee a few times. I drove and met him there, and then I would leave. I really wasn’t sure I wanted a relationship. Then he asked me to lunch — that was nice. Still continuing to pray God would close the door if it wasn’t His will. God didn’t close the door yet. He asked me to dinner, I finally said yes. I remember telling my friends I was going to wait until marriage for sex, many said “good luck with that!” I had a few friends who weren’t Christians. I said that he’ll have to wait (whoever he is) and hopefully he’ll think I’m worth the wait. At one point in one of our conversations I told my then future husband that before we continued to date he needed to know that I was not giving the milk away for free. He told me “you will be worth the wait.” He knew I was waiting until marriage.
At one point I realized I really love this man! Within 4 months of us dating (and knowing each other for well over a year), he asked me to marry him. We then got married 10 months later.
There were so many things that happened during our dating time that continued to show me that God was in this because I continued to pray that if this man was not His will, He would close the door — then come to find out that my then future husband was praying the exact same thing.
Before this man I had dated another man for about 2 years, we were even engaged. I wasn’t walking with the Lord at the beginning of that relationship, but I was at the end. I knew that when the door closed on that relationship — as painful as it was — I am SO glad I didn’t marry that man!!
Now you’re wondering why I’m posting and following you because you help those in difficult marriages! haha Yes, my marriage has not been easy — I have four step kids and that has been a challenge to say the least!! They are now all moved out and now my husband and I are closer than ever before. Just because God brought me to this relationship, doesn’t mean that He didn’t have a purpose within it. I believe it was to work a lot more junk out of my heart 🙂
I tell you this hoping to encourage you — when God closes a door, He has a great reason for it, and He has something BETTER for you. You think this guy is fabulous — just wait until you see what God has in store for you. If you had pressed on with this guy, who knows what was in store and going to happen? God knows. You know He loves you and He does what is best for you. He has your best interests in heart. Beth — you are an inspiration to so many. Thank you for always sharing your heart. You are a blessing 🙂
Michelle, thank you for sharing your story and for your sweet words of encouragement to me. They mean so much. -Elisabeth
Thank you, Elisabeth, for your vulnerability. I am not yet to the point of wanting another relationship, I have much healing to do, but hope to want it one day. I, too, am afraid of the rejection, and from here it feels like it may not be worth it. But I know, I know, that we are created for relationship, that rejection–or the risk for it–is part of the price, and that hopefully my heart only becomes more supple with the breaking and not harsh. I hope that as with wrinkles, the scars will be evidence of my experience and wisdom. I don’t see any wrinkles on you, but thank you for sharing your scars. Especially those which have yet to form.
Oh Beckie, trust me: there are both wrinkles and scars. But thank you for your sweet words. They mean a lot to me. -Elisabeth
Praying for you Elisabeth. This is a hard road and hard balance to find. It’s a fine line between protecting your heart and putting up walls. To be honest, I don’t the difference. It’s a fine line between allowing yourself to hope and dream, but somehow trying to control who you hope and dream about. This I do believe….God created us for relationship. I don’t believe we have to reach a point of saying. “I am completely happy to be married to Jesus and I don’t care one bit if I ever meet someone” for God to bring a relationship to us. He doesn’t dole out spouses based upon our measure of not caring. That thought process puts us in control of God. It’s not about how much faith we have, but in whom we place our faith and trust. So….all that to say TA-DA…I don’t know the answers! ☺️…but I know who does, and I wait daily for Him. He lights my path. Sometimes I only see the stepping stone I am on, and beyond that is darkness. So I wait for the next step to be illuminated. Not fun and not easy, but it’s my only hope.
Sheila, I LOVE this line: “He doesn’t dole out spouses based upon our measure of not caring.” This is SO SO good, I just may end up quoting you in an upcoming blog or FB post. Thank you for reading and commenting! -Elisabeth
I’d be honored! ☺️