I could write post after post on how fun and sweet and unexpected it was to fall in love. But let’s be honest, that’s not why you read my blog. You don’t read my blog for happy. And I totally get that.  Plus, you can just watch You’ve Got Mail or something and be pretty much caught up on my little love story.

But before you think that my five-month experience was all sunshine and roses, it wasn’t. To be clear: not because of the man, but because of the other one who was involved: moi.

So I’m going to share about my two biggest lessons that I’m taking away from this whole thing…things that I need healing in, things I am begging Jesus to transform in me.

I’ll touch on one in a couple days, but here’s today’s:

I gave my whole heart away, even though I prayed that I would protect it.

Here are three reasons I do not regret this:

First, I took a risk. I rarely take risks. Let alone with my heart. And it was scary but it felt good and right in those moments.

Secondly, my heart was shut down in my most recent relationship. And though I say basically everything to my girls and though I throw myself under the bus here on the blog on a regular basis, my heart had closed up shop when it came to men. Pretty much because it had gotten used to either being dismissed or ridiculed, so what was the point? But this time around, I laid it out and it was reflected back, and it was understood, and it was affirmed, and it was treated gently and handled with care. And that brought such deep healing and I’m so grateful. It was important for me to learn that my heart would matter to a man and that value would be found and that someone would want to explore it and protect it. Such a gift.

And thirdly, because the man I shared it with is a safe place. I trust that though I shared the whole kit and caboodle with him, it’s not going anywhere. And I can trust this so fully because he shared deeply intimate things with me as well, and we quickly built trust between us that is pretty uncommon.

But here’s the reason I do regret it:

Because I went from completely shut down heart, no man is getting in here to here you go, take the whole darn thing like that {snap}.  (I’m like the Goldilocks of hearts…) To quote my mentor, I was a firehose when I should have been a sprinkler.

And so here is one of my largest issues that I must try to figure out, but that right now I have no idea how: how to give away my heart small pieces at a time, appropriately, safely, and yet, maintain who I really am which is someone who is authentic and open and wants to share and be shared with.

Sorry, ladies. I’m not at the place of solutions yet on this one.  I’ve only got the question.

So for today, I’m just grateful that once you give your heart away, it doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. It regenerates and renews and grows and changes and is still very much mine and, I believe, is being held in God’s hands, being healed and protected and taught until I’m ready for what’s next.

Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. –Proverbs 4:23–

If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.