Jesus is a lot of things to me. Like, seriously, a lot of things.
Let me first say, in case you haven’t picked up on this yet, that I believe Jesus is real. That he really lived. That he really died. And that he really came back to life. Yeah. I know. That makes me one of those. I believe it for a bunch of reasons but one of the main reasons is that it can be backed up historically. Anyway, so I believe in Jesus.
And I believe he didn’t just die. But on a cross. To pay for my sin. Which means I believe Jesus is my Savior.
And I believe he takes the horrible things in my life and turns them into really beautiful things, when I actually let him. Which means I believe Jesus is my Redeemer.
And I believe that he sees my hurt and my shame and tends to my brokenness and cleans me up and sits me up. Which means I believe Jesus is my Healer.
And I believe that he hears me when I talk to him all throughout the day and that he cares about what’s going on in even the tiniest details of my life. Which means that Jesus is my Friend.
And Scripture even talks about the Lord being my Husband (Isaiah 54:5) and I get that in that he provides for me and my kids and I feel him protect me from my enemies (most of the time). And yet.
Jesus is totally not my prince charming. I hear some women say that and that is wonderful for them, but that’s just not how it’s shaking out for me. DO NOT GET ME WRONG: I LOVE JESUS. Oh my gosh, I love him. And I totally know he loves me.
But I’m lonely. And this is hard. And I just had a mini-meltdown when I let myself think for more than three seconds that I may never have a man love me.
Listen, I don’t think I’m being all sacrilegious here. God himself took a look at Adam and said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And God was right there with him! He knew that humans need humans in a way that even God could not (or would not) fill. So yes, I totally love Jesus and he totally loves me, but he is totally not my boyfriend. (Lord, I wish it were that simple.)
No, instead, today, I sit here having no idea what my future holds. Knowing I may never experience what I was created to experience relationally: a good man to love me well who I can love back. And there’s nothing I can do about it but, right now, be sad about it and grieve it.
(And don’t email me that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…I KNOW THAT. And don’t message me that you’re still lonely sometimes in your marriage…DUH. And don’t leave a comment saying that Jesus is your prince charming and I might not be doing something right…could completely be the case, but that’s not my point.)
I’m just ranting tonight. I miss marriage. I miss my non-existent husband. I miss what I was created for. And Jesus is amazing and wonderful and all-powerful, but he’s not going to be holding me as I fall asleep tonight, no matter how much I ask him to.
This can just be really, really hard.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from talking with someone, as well as from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Surviving Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.