Why is it so dangerous for me to say that I believe that a Christian woman who is abused in her Christian marriage by her Christian husband should be able to leave her Christian marriage for a therapeutic separation, and then divorce if repentance and change don’t take place? Isn’t it more dangerous for us to say that we believe that a Christian woman who is abused in her Christian marriage by her Christian husband must stay in her Christian marriage? Think about the implications of this.
Woman: “He calls me names, he lies to me, I must ask him for money, he tells me I’m stupid.”
Clergy: “I’m sorry. That sounds difficult. Unless he is unfaithful or leaves you first though, you cannot leave him. What can you do to work on yourself and your marriage?”
What are we saying when we say those words?
We are saying that the institution of marriage is held higher than this woman.
We are saying that we do not care about the emotional health of this woman.
We are saying that the letter of the law is more important than the spirit of the law. |
We are saying that we are fine with leaving this husband to stay in his sin; we are practically rewarding him for not looking inward and making changes. (Forget wives for just a moment…for the sake of husbands everywhere, we need to not be fine with this!)
We are saying in essence – and ironically – that we must not actually believe what the Bible says about marriage – that it’s representative of the relationship between Christ and the Church – because if we actually believed that, we wouldn’t in a million years stand by and condone – and I’ll go so far as to say force – a marriage to continue that basically shows the world that Christ treats his Bride with controlling, lying contempt.
What do you fear will happen if we started listening, hearing, understanding and supporting fully the abused Christ-following woman?
Do you think marriages would implode left and right?
Do you think women would start leaving their totally-fine marriages?
Do you think these women are lying to you? Do you not believe them?
Because I pretty much believe the opposite. I think that marriages would heal and we would be able to turn the tide for upcoming generations.
I no longer believe what I used to believe. Or I should say, I no longer believe as narrow a view as I used to believe. I used to believe a marriage could only biblically end – meaning with God’s disapproving allowance – if a spouse had sex with another person or if a spouse who did not believe in Jesus physically moved away, which the Bible calls abandonment by an unbeliever*. I no longer believe what I used to believe.
Taking off my wedding ring symbolized the largest sadness of my entire lifetime. I was saying in that moment that my marriage was dead. But there had been thousands – and I literally mean thousands – of moments up until that time when I was being killed emotionally.
Could I have just stuck it out, just stayed married?
Um-hmm. Yes. Absolutely. But at any of those forks in the road – and there were a handful during a two- or three-year time period – where I could have said, “Okay, changed my mind, I’ll just stay, never mind all that I said,” what I would have been really saying was this, “I’ll let myself die all the way. I’ll never find out who I was supposed to be. I’ll live my life showing that I must believe that it’s okay for huge, egregious, insidious sin to just continue on unchecked, killing me and taking my children down with it. I’ll have to lie for the rest of my life because I cannot let the world, I cannot let my children, look at the two of us and think that I believe what our marriage is is what God meant marriage to be. Yes, I’ll stay. But that means I’m choosing death.”**
All marriages take work. All marriages require sacrifice and compromise and laying ourselves aside. I completely get this. But marriages that are supposed to represent the love between Jesus and the Church should not bring such pain to its inhabitants on a continual basis, one overpowering the other. Something is very, very wrong. And we must do something about it.
I am pro-marriage and always will be. But I am not pro-any-kind-of-marriage-at-the-peril-of-the-individuals-living-within-it.
So it might be more accurate for me to state that I am pro-marriage but maybe a notch above that I am pro-human-being, I am pro-wholeness, and I am pro-Jesus.
And in Jesus, there is grace and truth and life.
(*I now believe that abandonment by an unbeliever envelops the concept that abuse is an abandoning of the vows to love, honor and cherish, and that if a believer is defined by his fruit, and if his fruit is primarily abusive in nature {lying, verbally scathing, controlling, manipulating, etc.} then he is showing himself to be an unbeliever.)
(**I was not the initiator of the ending of my marriage.)
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Beautiful, Elisabeth. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. So often the institution is held sacred while the lives within the mess are not. I appreciate the discussion.
This site was recommended to me by one of my parishioners who has walked this path. I grieve that arriving at this liberating paradigm was such a long and painful process for you. I grieve over the widely held belief that all “Christians” hold the same belief system – especially since none of the mainline denominations in the US would ever counsel someone to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind, including marriage. (Anyone who would dare claim that people being harmed by staying in a hurtful relationship are guilty of blasphemy as far as I’m concerned.) If your prophetic (“prophetic” means telling the truth regardless of how many people are ticked off by it – not able to tell the future) message serves to empower anyone who has ever been taught that leaving such a relationship would be “unfaithful,” then God bless both the message and the messenger! Litmus test: If a relationship with ANYONE in your life makes you feel unworthy, shamed or trapped, the dynamics of that relationship are dangerous, unfaithful and just plain wrong.
We are all created in God’s image and loved unconditionally by God. If anyone treats you as if you are not worthy of the title “Beloved child of God,” then trust that wise little voice inside you (you know, the one that you have spent so much energy over the years trying to ignore…?) and get help that acknowledges your worth, celebrates your potential and actually makes sense! Nothing can be more faithful than living a life of joy, celebration, gratitude, and love. Only if you allow yourself to settle for less could anyone accuse you of being “unfaithful!” End of sermon. (Sorry, but I get a little carried away when false prophets hold people hostage by brainwashing them with damaging “untruths.”)
Elisabeth, I agree with your perspective. It grieves me when a church sends someone to our ministry with the expectation that putting the marriage back together trumps all else. I tell my clients, “as for me and my house, we’ll serve the Lord.” Follow the Lord. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Jesus Himself couldn’t get along with everyone. Paul even wrote that conflict shows who is walking in the truth (1 Cor. 11:19). I’m so thankful the Bible not only teaches the ideals but gives examples of the exceptions. In a broken world we must learn how to apply the whole counsel of God. One verse taken out of context is exactly what Satan did when he tempted Jesus.
For the most part I “get” this line of thinking even though I do not find specific biblical reference for the reasoning. “(I now believe that abandonment by an unbeliever envelops the concept that abuse is an abandoning of the vows to love, honor and cherish, and that if a believer is defined by his fruit, and if his fruit is primarily abusive in nature {lying, verbally scathing, controlling, manipulating, etc.} then he is showing himself to be an unbeliever.)” I have never met one who was able to 100% completely stand true to their marriage vows. Abandoning as defined above of one’s vows by abuse would imply failure or success. Success if one was able to stand true to their marriage vows but these are the world’s terms or criteria for abiding by our vows. The Christian person never fails in God’s eyes. They may not meet His expectations or goals but they never fail as God sees them through Christ. I see our vows as a component of our covenant to each other. Covenants are forever in God’s eyes and according to His word; He takes the breaking of a covenant very seriously. Serious to the point that one needed to “have sex with another person or if a spouse who did not believe in Jesus physically moved away, which the Bible calls abandonment by an unbeliever”. It was at this point that God allowed the certificate of divorce or breaking of the marriage covenant even though He desired reconciliation.
“Then he is showing himself to be an unbeliever”. How much time must pass for one to show themselves as an unbeliever? God is the only one who can judge the status of one’s heart. We can get a sense of the condition of one’s heart by the fruit they bear but how long does one go without bearing fruit before one is deemed an unbeliever?
You may ask why I make these points. Because I have been on the giving and receiving end of abuse in my marriage. My wife is divorcing me because I did not abide by my vows for a long time and she sees no possibility of reconciliation. When she asked for a divorce I sought biblical counsel and came to a place of utter repentance for what I had done but it was too late for my wife. My repentance meant everything to God but nothing to her. She became very angry with my attempts at reconciliation and hence the abuse towards me as I had shown her in the past. We are still married but she has become romantically involved with another man who has since moved into the marital home with my four children. So, my wife with another man – I am permitted to divorce but would not. Me, abusive for a long “time”, Unbeliever, one bearing no fruit – Wife permitted to divorce. It is easy to see why God hates divorce!
Comments welcomed!
Elisabeth,
Great job! In his book “A Cry for Justice,” Pastor Crippen points to 1 Peter 3:7 where Peter says for men to “live with” their wives, and says this “cannot be limited to a narrow, wooden definition such as ‘if the unbeliever agrees to remain in the same house with the Christian.’ As Peter seems to indicate in his use of a very similar Greek word, ‘to live with’ means to ‘remain in the marriage, showing understanding and deference to one’s spouse.'” So, Crippen agrees with you, and calls abuse “constructive desertion.” He says “‘Constructive desertion’ occurs when the partner’s evil conduct ends the marriage because it causes the other partner to leave. But the abuser is to be construed as the deserter, not the victim. The victim bears no blame.”
Wow, another great post! In my own marriage it got to the point that I was so emotionally broken that I could do nothing much but cry. I knew at that moment it was get out or die completely emotionally which you stated so very well. I thought I wasn’t being christian enough because I was broken. I thought I had to be able to endure it like Christ endured the cross. I no longer believe that, Christ didn’t die so man could continue to sin. A wife shouldn’t have to die to herself, just to stay married while her husband continues to sin and abuse her. Very well said in above post!
I agree with your statements and I am very thankful to be part of a congregation that has supported me through my recent divorce and continued healing. Prayers and Blessings for all you do and share Elisabeth!
Maryann, I am so grateful to hear that you are! -Elisabeth
This is a very insightful and true article! This addresses the very things I am dealing with. Although I had “biblical” grounds for divorce (multiple physical affairs) I’m still treated like a leper by many at church. It’s like the women automatically go on the defensive around me to “guard” they husbands. Like I have some contagious diesease because I’m divorced. The church is still tatooing a scarlet D on the chest of those who divorce even if they are following biblical grounds for divorce. It is time to move past the law and learn to treat people with the love, respect and grace that Christ offers to each of His children. Being divorced isn’t easy if you are a believer. It’s a double edged sword. I spoke with a friend whose first marriage ended in divorce and she too experienced the same treatment. It wasn’t unitl she remarried that the people of the church treated her normally again. Very odd and very sad. I hate divorce!!
Thank you, Kim!
Thank you so much for everything you share with your readers Elizabeth. Your blog makes me feel less “alone” in my journey back to emotional and spiritual health, after the devastation and wreckage left by my divorce.
What a veritable “slippery slope” this topic is! There are so many opinions, interpretations, viewpoints and angles to come from. I have been divorced for 2-1/2 years after an 18 year marriage. My divorce is “acceptable” (so incredibly sad to openly say and hear) on BOTH Biblical perspectives as my former spouse had multiple affairs AND was a unbeliever who left. My former spouse lied to me over and over again. I was made to feel crazy and was told time and time again I was being “overly emotional” when I questioned things that didn’t add up. Full disclosure: I was by NO MEANS the perfect wife…I had issues with control and constantly questioned him due to my own trust issues (justified or not…no one wants to be put through the Spanish Inquisition every single day!) and became a very insecure and angry person as a result. I have received an incredible amount of support and prayer from my church family…including my Pastor, and I am so thankful to God for using His children to extend His comfort and care, in a physical way, through His church (feeling very sad to those of you who haven’t experienced this). I agree with everything you said Elizabeth (and subsequent posters)…the part that makes me sad about it is that I personally know people who would take this thinking to justify their sinful actions/choices…to be unfaithful to their vows or to end their marriage because it’s simply “too hard”. I know it’s not my place or job to determine whether or not their intentions or motives are sincere or based in truth (so glad to not have that job!) but I’m struggling with why God would only explicitly state the two parameters noted above as “acceptable” reasons to divorce? Why didn’t He explicitly state emotional abuse?
This topic leads me to wonder something else?….If it is ok to walk away from a Christian marriage for emotional abuse does God say it’s ok as long as we don’t remarry? I guess I should start praying and searching for answers to that question.
Divorce stinks!!!!
Hi Melinda,
I am so sorry for your pain. This is all very complicated and divorce does suck, I completely agree! I’d recommend you start reading here: https://elisabethklein.com/my-stance-on-divorce/.
Also, I have a couple other resources for you:
I moderate a private Facebook group for Christian women who are separated/divorced. If interested in joining, please send me a friend request at http://www.facebook.com/elisabeth.corcoran so I can add you. I believe it would bring you some additional support.
Also these other resources may help you as well:
My newest book, Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage, came out of my difficult separation and divorce, available here: http://tinyurl.com/lg2cy9r
My newest e-book, Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman is a practical guidebook to help you navigate this hard journey, available here: http://www.elisabethklein.com/store.
-Elisabeth
Fantastic post. I especially love what you said about the letter vs. the spirit of the law – something I hadn’t considered before. You’re doing good work and I know women are encouraged by you every day!
Thank you, Brenda! So very kind!
This is my favorite article of your’s! And it gives us hope that others are wanting to support women who would, otherwise, die in their abusive marriage. Sharing this on Give Her Wings. Thank you!
Thank you, Megan!
Elwin, your wife sleeping with another man while you are still married is not OK. However, most abuse victims put up with abuse for WAY TOO LONG before they ask for a divorce. And most men say they have repented when the wife finally DOES ask for a divorce. If your wife was to the point of asking for a divorce, your marriage was probably way too broken at that point (at least in her mind) to be repaired. If you truly HAVE repented, Praise Jesus! This would be MY advice to you: (perhaps Elisabeth would suggest something different,) Concentrate on living a life that shows your repentance. Be a friend to the wife you abused for so long. Be a good father to your children. Be a good Christian man. Don’t rush off and find another woman. Perhaps over a span of MANY YEARS God will repair the marriage you spent many years pulling apart. Even if he does not, you can still be a friend, father, and good Christian man. Meanwhile, Jesus will walk beside you. May God bless you.