Though statements like these still make my heart hurt and make me sick to my stomach, they no longer stun me, unfortunately, because this is what I’m used to hearing. This seems to be the norm. Now, before you get all upset with me and accuse me of Church-bashing, let me state for the record for the gazillionth time: I love the Church, I love the Church, I love the Church. I love my old church and I love my new church.But I can’t turn a deaf ear to what I hear on a fairly regular basis from women who are divorcing. In fact, of all of the women I have talked to face-to-face in the past year or two, when this subject comes up, I am one of the only ones who can give a mostly positive report about my church’s role in my separation/divorce.
I don’t know how else I can say this other than it should not be like this. For the most part, I do not believe women make up abuse (and when I say abuse, I mean physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual mistreatment and domination or coercion, etc.). In fact, I believe that most abused women have minimized their abuse for a long time. If a woman has gotten to the point of coming to a church leader for help, you must trust me on this: she is at her wit’s end and she is desperate. How you respond to her may send her underground with her pain for another few years, or even indefinitely.
I am not an expert in this field. But I have a degree in Psychology, I continue to read as much as I can on the subject, I am an authority of my own experience, and I am in contact with more and more women who have lived through these kinds of excruciating circumstances. I have nothing personal to gain by asking the Church to stand up for the abused woman, by asking the Church to rethink their stances and rethink their responses.So, if you are a church leader, I implore you to take some time to pray and read through one of these resources in an effort to better support the women in your congregation. Because, trust me, it’s happening in more Christian homes than you know or even want to believe, and the Bride of Christ is too precious and important to let this continue on as is.
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger
Yes, you are so right. I wished I had known that the church would do precious little to support me and my children spiritually and emotionally, other than the pastor meeting with me for 1/2 hr and telling me to stay open to the possibility of reconciliation. Other than that and a few precious Christians coming up to say they were praying for me, the church provided no other support. I eventually left after my divorce became final and found a church where I felt supported.
And I love the church in a huge way but was appalled at the lack of resources and care provided when one member of the body of Christ was going through a very bad marriage.
Maybe it was because I was not being physically injured. Maybe it was because I filed for divorce after being at my wit’s end for more than 10 years. I do believe the body of Christ at that church failed me but God continued to provide comfort to me through other Christian friends and through my support group.
I am in the process of a legal separation. I tried for years counseling with pastors at my church. I even got told I was a gossip by one pastor for seeking help from an elder’s wife for my husband’s addiction. Mostly, I just got the repeated counsel to go do my part and submit and not to worry about whether my husband did his part. God in His mercy brought me to another church these past few months and the first time I met with the pastor there, it was obvious that he “got it” and has been so helpful and willing to be bold for the sake of our family. I don’t know why the other church has yet to get a clue about what is really going on in our marriage (he still goes there), but I am just so thankful that God brought me to a place that will walk with me through this journey wherever it takes me.
Hey! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be okay. I’m definitely enjoying your blog and look forward to new updates.
@ekcorcoran
If your church has a Celebrate Recovery or if you go to celebraterecovery.com and look for a group near you I encourage you to attend a meeting. You will find a safe place to share with other ladies who have had or are currently experiencing similar hurts. You can share openly and honestly about your struggle. What you won’t get is judgment. What you will get is acceptance, love, encouragement, support and tools from God’s word to recover. It’s not just about addiction….that’s just one of the ways we deal with our hurt.
Yes, Karen, thank you for sharing this resource. -Elisabeth
Oh Elisabeth, you are SO correct when you say: “It should not be like this”… and you “believe that most abused women have minimized their abuse for a long time.” I also love God’s church. We Christians are doing the best we can, and we are Christ’s body here on earth. But I personally, and so many women I speak to have been so wounded by pastors who really have NO IDEA what they are talking about, especially when it comes to abuse. This is a sad, sad thing. I have written a lot about this, and have encouraged pastors to become more educated about the dynamics of abuse. I have heard that most pastors get around THREE HOURS of training about abuse while they are at seminary. Not three credit hours, three hours period. Given the prevalence of abuse in Christian homes, this is sadly lacking. The pastors who I went to for help had no idea what they were dealing with, and had no interest in educating themselves about it, though I gave them books to read before I met with them. I pray this will change as more of us speak out in the future. Thanks for all you are doing!
Thank you for what you are doing, too, Caroline! -Elisabeth
Elisabeth,
I also agree “it should not be this way” especially within the Body of Christ. May we all pray and ask God have we each individually, whether now or in God’s perfect timing, be a catalyst to bring newness of Life in Christ to the fore front on this issue.
I totally agree and I am praying myself how God can use my misery and turn it around and use for His Glory. Again, “it should not be this way.” Lord, bring guidance.
Blessings in Christ,
Praying….
Praying with you, Carolyn. -Elisabeth
For me the church has offered me and my kids tons of support in so many ways. The area in which I feel the most saddened is what they have not done for my STBX. He worked for our church for 9 years, influenced tons of lives and grew up attending there. They have not done their biblical duty in confronting him and holding him accountable. I feel it is a disservice to him and to those who looked up to him. Feels like that part of our biblical calling is overlooked because of fear or not wanting to deal with making waves.
Julie, my former husband worked for the church, too, and they DID attempt to help in so many ways. There were several men who took him for meals, stopped by his new employment, reached out over and over. The shame, the secrecy and continued sin enabled my ex to reject this help.
It’s so hard. I’m glad they were there for you…the support of community where we have history is such a balm.
Missy, though it didn’t “work”, I’m so glad to hear that the men in your church reached out. Very encouraging to hear. -Elisabeth
Julie, I 100% agree. I think people fear calling other people out. We need to keep praying and being the kind of authentic we’re hoping others will be. Thanks for reading and commenting. -Elisabeth
During a time of separation in my marriage I found from the church zero support and a lot of gossip. People were filling in all the blanks with the juiciest stories they could come up with. Some gossip was true but most of it wasn’t. In the midst of that time, while I was coming to the church alone with the children, and rumors were flying, I had several men in our church approach me with very inappropriate sexual remarks. They would walk away from their wife and whisper something quietly that only I would hear, ranging from comments like “Hi sexy” or how much they desired to take a porn picture of me with their cell phone, or something like a quick scan up-and-down with a comment about being curvy in all the right places. I KID YOU NOT!!! I went to my pastor, who knew the full story of my marriage, and shared with him what I had been experiencing in the church. His remark to me was that he was really sorry but I had a bull’s-eye on me right now and the enemy had just put a target on me. I was astonished. He somehow still made their sexual abuse my fault instead of recognizing that he had a real problem with the sexual deviancy of the men in his church and he needed to address it. Needless to say I don’t attend there anymore. I have found a church that I feel I have some support, but honestly even in counseling about my husband’s abuse of me and the children, they allowed him to steer the conversation and still never called him to accountability. It almost felt like they were cowering to him as well. Sadly I have found very little support anywhere other than a couple of dear friends.
Sheila, I am so very sorry to hear this, but grateful that you do have some close friends, and a God who sees and heals. -Elisabeth
Feeling very disappointed in my “home” church. Have fought long enough to be heard. Asked repeatedly for help. Did everything they asked. Still at square one with no repentance or change on husband’s part. Starting to believe one of the reasons for the lack of support is that maybe some of what I have reported about my situation is true of their marriages – hence, either they see nothing wrong with it or feel guilty calling out someone when it’s their problem as well. Anyway, I am currently in a paid position at a small church out of town – it has been a wonderful support and encouragement. Thanking God for opening up a place of refuge as well as employment. Sometimes we don’t understand when a door closes – hard to accept, but then the open window brings something much better!
Rebecca, I am so very sorry about your situation of asking for help and not getting it. Keep asking – elsewhere – until you’re heard and believed and helped. Grateful God has brought you a safe place. -Elisabeth
I so wish there was more to this post! It rings so so true. Thank you for this. For giving some voice to what far too many women deal with.
We are 3 years on this road to recovery and have since switched church homes after my husband came clean about his years of infidelity and abuse towards me. He first confessed to me on a Saturday morning and I was stunned numb. He then went to the senior pastor and talked to him – since he was on the worship team. That following Sunday we walked into church and not one member of the pastoral staff approached me and asked how I was doing. They all embraced him and cheered him on for coming clean. I felt pushed aside and absolutely abandoned. We stayed at that church for another 1.5 years until I got to the point that I felt absolutely shunned. We have since found a new church home as well as a Celebrate Recovery family where we are both accepted and supported. Not everyone is going to be accepting – including pastoral staff. Keep looking for that support group…they are out there.
I am so glad I NEVER asked for help from my church during my separation, after hearing from other women how they were treated and not believed. Really sad.
I am hoping to team up with other women to reach women in the shelters where I live and give them a manicure and make them feel better and valued.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Of all the things I have experienced since my separation Oct 2014, this still breaks my heart. When I found out who the woman was my then husband was having a relationship with I went to my church. I went to my church asking for help because she worked security there and my once safe place to fall became a place of fear that I would run into her as I walked in to worship. A trigger for me knowing I begged my ex to go to counseling and he said no and stayed with her. A trigger for our daughter as she saw the woman she knew her dad was with while he was still married. A trigger because I not yet realized I was emotionally abused for years and I felt like I was the one that was crazy. I was told by one pastor, he talked with Her and she said it wasn’t true. I had counseling with another and he said what if this turns out not to be true, you’ve pulled a lot of people into this and Your daughter will see you as a liar. I changed my parking spot, the doors I entered and the hallways I walked down to avoid her and it worked for awhile. My ex and I divorced July 2015 and then he began working security in our coffee bar, the first place I visit when I entered church. The first time I saw him I broke down, uncontrollable crying and I sat in my divorce care class numb. The place I relied on for healing and hope was the place I felt the darkest. I tried on several occasions using different entrances, my friends got my chai tea and I avoided th areas I thought I would see them but in the end I couldn’t bring myself to be there any longer. On the whole I love my church so much. The people there that helped me up and fed the word of God to me when I felt like I had nothing else to live for, that is why I tried. My CR family who walked beside me during my recovery who helped me see my hurts, habits and hangups that kept me in a dis functional pattern, that is why I tried. My peace and sanity was being compromised as I kept trying and that is why I left. The most important part to my story. The woman who said to my pastor it wasn’t true is now my ex husbands wife and she walks around the church I desperately wanted to be safe in, accepting congratulations on their marriage. Sadly, I have yet to find a new church for my daughter and I. Thank you Elisabeth for getting it. It’s so sad that it’s even a thing to get, but I’m so thankful to be a part of your group where I feel understood and not crazy. ❤️
I agree completely with your article. The church is ill-equipped and further victimize women through their poor, spiritualized responses. Also, movies like “War Room” provide little realistic help; they are fantasy that further hurt me. When I tearfully communicated to a church friend in a restrained way so that I didn’t unload too much, she asked, “Have you seen the movie ‘War Room?!'” I replied, “Yes, I took my kids opening night and cried through most of the movie because my war room was my bathroom for many years. I hid in there and prayed. I fasted and prayed for my marriage, & my marriage wasn’t saved as the one in the movie.” Church people believe prayer changes everything. I prayed for 18 years. Every birthday I blew out my birthday candles to a prayer that my husband would commit to marriage and family; he never did, but became increasingly cruel, disconnected, controlling. Also, in War Room the husband asks the wife what she wants and she says “ice cream” after she received a text from her friend that her husband was on a date with another woman. According to all I’ve learned, this an unhealthy, avoidant response that doesn’t expose truth or confront betrayal. It is portrayed as the appropriate way for a wife to respond to her cheating spouse while entrusting that God is going to fix it. I’m disappointed in this portrayal. I seeScripture telling to expose truth and that love rejoices in truth. I see numerous accounts of Jesus exposing truth as well.