I’ve heard this a lot. And prior to a few years ago, I wouldn’t have known what to do either. And again, I was a Psych major and my first post-college job was the good touch/bad touch lady in the local school districts. So, show yourself some grace if this is all new to you.
But if you think your friend is in trouble, here are some things you can do:
Pray. Walking into something like this takes great discernment. Ask the Spirit to help you know things you do not know, to give you the right words, and to soften your friend’s heart to what you have to say.
Ask her. You can only know for sure if you talk to her. Be prepared that she may be defensive because she may either be in complete denial, she may not be ready to admit it to herself, or she may not be ready to deal with the potential fallout.
Read up on the subject. There are some amazing books out there on this subject. I’d recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick, Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, or my new e-book Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage.
Gather resources. Do some investigating for your friend. What kinds of support groups and social service agencies are available in your area that you can recommend to her?
Offer to go with her to talk to someone. If your friend readily admits that things in her marriage seem more difficult than they should be, gently suggest she talk to someone that she trusts, and offer to go with. First of all, saying these things out loud can be scary enough; but secondly, if you end up in a conversation with, for instance, a pastor who doesn’t know about these kinds of things and treats all marriages with a formula of pray more + a monthly date night + join a couples’ group = everything will be fine, odds are, she will feel unheard and probably won’t go back to him. If you’re with her, she may say all that needs to be said.
Follow up. If she didn’t admit to anything the first time around, but you still think there is a problem, keep praying and gently check in with her one more time, making sure she knows you’ll be there for her. If she did admit there’s something going but wasn’t quite ready to do anything about it, go back and reassure her that you will help her walk through this.
Here’s what not to do:
Ignore it. The Spirit can help us sense things and if you truly feel a friend is in trouble, taking the chance on a difficult conversation is the least you can do for your friend. I know it can be scary, but ignoring it will only keep your friend in peril – emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically – longer. So speak up.
“I will not be that person that sits silently by while a friend or loved one is being mistreated. I understand the reason for caution, but you can at least ask in private if they are ok and let them know if they need anything that you will be there for them when they are ready. This would have helped me.” –a formerly abused wife
If my work has encouraged you and you’d like to partner with me as I reach out to help hurting women, click here for more information.
what if you know – and have seen/heard – your friend be emotionally, psychologically, verbally abused (and seen witness of his violence in walls and doors and broken glass), and she admits to it and you help her talk to someone, pray with and for her, follow up with her, listen to her, hold her baby while she cries… but she stays, determined to wait it out and make it work? How do I support her when I think she’s making awfully dangerous choices… don’t want to add on to the guilt and shame, want to empower and lift her up. And also, truthfully, want her to leave him. 🙁
Dear Anonymous,
I asked a friend and counselor/author, Leslie Vernick, your question, and this was her answer:
“She’s an adult and has the freedom to be in a destructive relationship if she wants. The only leverage she might have is if her kids are being abused as well. The friend could say she is going to report to authorities if she (the mom) doesn’t take action to keep them safe – i.e. leave.”
Hope this helps a bit,
Elisabeth
Elisabeth, I was in an abusive marriage for several years when I was young (age 18-24). There are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships,but I didn’t understand it all back then. I think it’s true that you gain more perspective the farther away you get from the situation. I tried, over many years, to write about my experiences, but I just couldn’t do it. Finally, I was able to write about it truthfully on my blog, and then I wrote a novel that I published on Amazon Kindle about a girl who experiences it. I refused to let something meant to destroy me do just that. I hope that in getting some exposure for the issue of domestic violence, it will help people, if even just one.
I will be following your blog, and I think what you’re doing is wonderful.
Thank you for your wise words. I re-posted this on Facebook.
Thank you, Amy! I hope it helps someone. -Elisabeth
What finally woke me up was when a friend said to me that she thought I should go to a domestic abuse support group because she didn’t understand why I allowed myself to be treated that way. I remember thinking domestic abuse, isn’t that just when they physically abuse you? But I made the call to the hotline and the woman on the phone assured me that what I was experiencing was abuse. I went in and talked with them and then started going to a group. All of that can be done before ever leaving. Going to the group helped me gain the courage to leave. I think many women like myself feel if it isn’t physical abuse then it isn’t abuse and that we should be able to turn the other cheek again and again and if we can’t we are some how a weak Christian.
San, I am so glad you had a friend who cared enough to speak this hard truth to you, and that you listened and got help. -Elisabeth
Elisabeth~
I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve had that have made me learn so much about domestic violence in the church.
Thanks for challenging other pastors’ ideas of what marriage counseling looks like. One size does not fit all, and can actually be a death-trap for victims.
My church is a certified safe church for victims of domestic violence. I welcome any of your readers to reach out to me, confidentially, for assistance.
Please use my site, documenttheabuse.com for your benefit, and pass it along to anyone you suspect is being abused.
Peace,
Neil Schori
Grateful for you, Neil!
These are good, practical suggestions. It is difficult to know how to approach these situations and often the woman does not want help, but at least we can reach out. I like your suggestion in the comments about how the children need to be protected as well. It’s about the entire family.
Thank you, Cynthia.
Elisabeth
I have read through almost all of your blog posts tagged abuse and researched as much as I can. Thank you so much for all of your posts and helpful information.
Our situation is a VERY close family member that has been physically abused for years and it has just come to light a little over a year ago. I realize there’s only so much an outsider can do because it is her choice to stay in the relationship, but at the same time, my husband and I fear for her life after seeing what has been exposed (or sent to us directly) thus far.
She lives in another state and there’s no other family there to help her or even talk to her. We’ve also become suspicious of messages we’ve received and if they are really from her or if the husband has gotten hold of her phone/accounts to send the messages. Because of this suspicion, we either don’t respond or avoid the subject if it’s brought up in message form.
Seeing the arrest records (now on both sides because the husband was able to have her arrested the last time), pictures of her battered and bruised, and documents from his past only increase our concern for her safety.
One day she claims they are getting divorced then within the same week they’ll go on a cruise together and one or both of them end up thrown off the ship/left at port.
We are at a loss as to what to do, what we can do, what are the worst things to do and can we actually help her in any way? I don’t even know if I can get any kind of message or talk to her without it being intercepted by him. Any advice for us? Thanks