Somewhere along the way, I made up my mind. I was no longer going to hide. I was no longer going to cover up my messes. I was no longer going to act like the victim at every turn. I was no longer going to point all fingers away from me and at my partner.
My life is now an open book. I now toss out all my ugly cards on the table first to separate the relational wheat from the chaff. If you can handle all the horrible things I’ve done and still go on liking me for me, you’re in. If you can’t, let’s just both move on, and save ourselves some time.
So here I am. Standing on the other side of my ended almost-nineteen-year marriage. My marriage was difficult. My marriage had issues of codependence, woe-is-me-ing, of raging…..and that was just me. It wasn’t pretty. And I was an active participant in its demise.
I was not a good wife. For many, many reasons.
But one of the reasons that has struck me so much lately is that I showed so little grace to my spouse.
I had a higher standard, perhaps in my mind and heart only, for how he should live and act and what he should say and not say and do and not do.
I had rules – some spoken (naggingly, I should add) and some unspoken (and therefore undiscernable to him) – placed over his life that I carried around like some impossible standard that he could never quite live up to, no matter what he did.
And this became our dance. And it became our demise.
Though in the beginning, we may both have had better intentions, we took on these roles. He would do something, anything, and if I didn’t like it, for whatever reason, I’d let him know.
Until he just couldn’t win anymore. And so he maybe stopped trying. And then prophecy fulfillment kicked in, and the things I was most scared of happening…..the things I had set all those rules in place for in a misguided attempt to prevent…..began to happen.
And the dance intensified, until all we were doing, day and night, was hurting each other.
It takes two to dance. I no longer believe what I believed for so long: that he was our downfall. I now believe this: we were our downfall.
And if I ever have the chance to do it over again with a new partner, my next dance will look nothing like my first. Because I am now willingly the woman who reached for Christ’s robe, and I am desperate for my faith to make me well after years of nothing seemingly working.
But for those of you who are still dancing with the one you came with, and if the dance is breaking your heart over and over and over again, there’s hope and there’s help and there’s still time to change your rhythm and your steps. You still have time.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here, or “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
Wow this is exactly what I feel had happened and is happening in my marriage. I’m just not sure what to do next. I have tried the fixing route and the changing him route and now I’m just taking your advice and stopping trying to change him or fix this. I have worked on myself though and changing me. I still pray for our marriage but it continues to be one side trying, and that side is me. We are in limbo I guess. He won’t go to counseling or work on his part yet he hates things the way they are?. It’s very confusing most days. I know it can’t go on like this forever I just don’t know what the
Next step is supposed to be.
Deanna, I would recommend Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and my new e-book Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage (www.elisabethklein.com/store). I know it’s hard…but you are never without options. -Elisabeth
Thank u for your words…at least I know I’m not alone in this 🙂
You are not.
When my ex husband first told me he wanted a separation (which ultimately led to our divorce), I was DRIVEN to figure out my part in the whole mess. I always believed it takes two to dance–to make a marriage work or not work. God graciously revealed the truth of “my part” to me–which led to one of the most meaningful confessions and repentances that I have ever been a part of. I did not end our marriage but I definitely played my part in its demise. If I’m not careful, I can go to the place where I play the “oh-woe-is-me-for-being-such-a-bad-wife” card. God has forgiven me; my family has forgiven me; I am a completely different person now–thanks to God’s bottomless love and grace!
Thanks so much for posting such honest and “real” thoughts!!!
Susanne, I am proud of you for doing the hard work of figuring out your part. It’s so messy and humbling and sad, but it’s so worth it and freeing and opens your heart up wide. -Elisabeth
Thank you for encouraging those who are currently in tough marriages. There is always HOPE, especially when we start with our own personal walk with Jesus.
Bonny, you are so welcome! I’d recommend my newest e-book, Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage, is a good resource for you. (www.elisabethklein.com/store)
It would be good to know which rules you had set up that were destructive. Because it is important to have boundaries in a marriage, ans not to become narcisistic supply for your spouse or codpendent, but sometimes it is also hard not to become a bully when we feel we have been unfairly treated… maybe the rule was that he had to me home at a certain time, otherwise call and let you know so you would not become worried, or something else? or the rule would be to check how much money was spent that day? it is always good to know.
Melanie, it’s pretty complicated and personal, so I’m not able to go into the specific rules. But I’m sure the Spirit will lead you well in how you handle your relationship. -Elisabeth
Thank you for sharing this. As a husband who has confessed the places I have failed my marriage to my wife and not heard the same, from her, I appreciate this post. What you heaved described in many was is how I have felt my wife has acted toward me. Getting me to the point of feeling no matter what I do it will be wrong. I just wish we had the chance to work through it rather than walk away. I feel like that is an extension of what you have already described. We all need to be more understanding and forgiving to each other.
I keep beating myself up about the failure of my long and troubled marriage. I know that we both failed but my husband doesn’t seem to be suffering as much as I am. The end if our marriage feels like unfinished business. If only we had gone to counselling we might have stood a chance. He can’t wait to get away from me … So sad
Anita, I feel your pain. Same thing happening in my marriage. Bill, I wish my husband would confess to me all of the places that he has failed in our marriage, instead he places all of the blame on me. I have no idea who I am married to at this point, because once he walks out the door for the day he is a complete stranger to me. He is the head track coach where his sons attend high school, a Christian high school, and each day at the beginning of practice he leads them in devotion and prayer?! There has never been any devotion or prayer in our house, in our marriage. He is a touchy person with everyone else but me. He tells his children every chance he gets that he loves them and hugs them, but I can’t remember the last time he hugged and told me that he loves me. He refuses to go to counseling with me, but says that he hates living this way, and instead has told me to pack up my things and my two children and move out of HIS house. (We have been married for 10 yrs.) I am numb, we live in limbo…and I am having a very hard time showing any grace right now to him. I am far from perfect, and I am ashamed that at times I can not show him any grace, but I can’t continually be humiliated and blamed for everything that doesn’t work in our marriage.
Thank you, Bill, and I’m sorry for your pain in not receiving this from your ex-wife. -Elisabeth
Great article!! I know I haven’t been the greatest wife so the Lord has been working on Me!!!!! Last night I had a huge wake up call. I need to forgive myself!!!!!
So glad, Jaime, that God is working on your heart. Stay open to what he has for you. -Elisabeth
Thanks – I need to ask God to show me where I have my own “laws” for my husband.
I am sure that even if I don’t voice them to him, if he ‘breaks’ one, it will result in a more condemning/critical attitude within me toward him, which will result in colder relations instead of compassionate love.
Thanks for pointing out the importance of this!
You’re welcome, Deanna. Thank you for reading!
You know what ? It does take two who love and care and are willing to work together for a marriage. If only one is willing it won’t happen. You can pray and pray but unless they have their heart open to God and are willing to love and care, it won’t happen. Was I perfect in my/our marriage? No, but I didn’t give up on it. I loved and cared. However, he didn’t. He gave up. Then he told me to get out. So, I’m sorry but I did all I could. I don’t feel any guilt about our break-up. I just still feel numb.
Vanessa, I’m so sorry for your pain. My book Unraveling might help you as you continue to process things. (www.elisabethklein.com/books). -Elisabeth