“You deserve a good man.” I’ve heard this more than once. Okay, I’ve heard this a lot.
And my knee-jerk reaction is usually something like, “thank you”, or “that sure would be great”, or even, “I know, right?!?”
But who says? Why do I deserve a good man?
Because I’m nice?
Because I’m only 43 and my life isn’t over just yet?
Because my first marriage was so hard that the second one had better be amazing to make up for it?
Because it would be super great of Jesus to just throw me a bone for goodness’ sakes?
But really…..why do I ‘deserve a good man’?
Because the way I see it…..I deserve whatever Jesus doles out to me.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m clearly all for raising the bar and not settling. And I’m totally not saying I should intentionally walk headlong into the worst relationship with the meanest man I can find as soon as possible.
But what I’m saying is that I don’t believe I deserve anything specifically good.
I don’t deserve an amazing and easy and light and fluffy life filled with romantic love.
Not because I’m a horrible person but because I’m simply a person.
A person who doesn’t deserve anything. I’m not owed anything. I’m not entitled to anything. I’m not promised a good man and romance and a second chance at marriage and amazing sex and fulfilling intimacy and being crazy in love for the rest of my life. I want these things (and I would be so, so grateful for these things if God allowed them), but I am not promised these things, which means I do not deserve these things nor should I expect these things and walk through my life waiting for these things.
And neither are you, and therefore neither should you, sweet single or divorced or widowed girl.
I am promised that my life, as a follower of Christ, will be hard. And so are you.
But I am promised that my life, as a follower of Christ, will be abundant. But so are you.
So, let’s realign our expectations, dear ones. We deserve hell. But Christ gave us his life. And we can move forward in abundance knowing that he loves us and he wants to bring us back to the land of the living and he wants to heal us and use us. And that should be enough. And we should grateful.
And today, I am. Because I am undeserving and yet so thankful for his big, big grace and every single gift that I’ve got.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
“So, let’s realign our expectations, dear ones. We deserve hell. But Christ gave us his life. And we can move forward in abundance knowing that he loves us and he wants to bring us back to the land of the living and he wants to heal us and use us. And that should be enough. And we should grateful.
And today, I am. Because I am undeserving and yet so thankful for his big, big grace and every single gift that I’ve got.”
THIS IS EXACTLY the message God has sent me over and over again this week!! What a powerful message!! Let’s live in the blessed assurance that we are LOVED by GOD and that, sweet sisters is MORE than enough!!
Rejoicing in the TRUTH this morning! Thanks, Elisabeth!!
Yes, Kim, his love for us is enough.
Sometimes the speaker has inadvertently come to the conclusion that they DO have those things (good marriage, “nice guy,” etc.) because *they* deserve them. Then, when they see another “good person” missing out, it’s hard to understand why. I used to act that way myself–that’s how I know. I didn’t realize it until my marriage fell apart, but I thought I had the good things I had because I’d made the right choices. Now I realize it’s ALL undeserved. If people tell me that now (which many do) I just smile and say, “You are very kind.” And then I remember my old Sunday School teacher who used to say, “If God gave you what you DESERVE, you would burn in Hell! What you NEED is God’s grace!” LOL!!!
It is ALL undeserved. Our wise choices help, but don’t guarantee. So true, Ruthie.
FINALLY, a good response to those who are trying to push me into dating (which I have less than NO interest in!!) by saying, “You deserve to have someone nice.” And seriously, you are so right. Thanks for putting it into words for me.”
You’re so welcome, Shelly!
Thank you again, Elisabeth. I’ve struggled with this phrasing myself when people tell me the same thing. I never know what to say. They tell me “you deserve happiness.” Why? Then don’t all those people living in war-torn countries “deserve happiness?” Doesn’t the mother who just lost her child to leukemia “deserve happiness?” What the hell does that even MEAN? (Incidentally, does ‘happiness’ always coincide with having a man in my life?? That’s another topic all together.) No. Life is not about “deserving” anything. It’s about living, in this moment right here, and making the very most of it, whatever that means. It’s about loving the ones in front of us and pouring out our lives and hearts in service to the ones we love and the ones who need our help. Sure, an intimate loving relationship with a partner would be NICE, but that comes along with it’s own set of challenges, as those of us who have struggled through failed marriages already know.
It’s not about “deserving happiness.” It’s about CREATING happiness, and living it. Right now.
Agreed with everything you said, Julie. Amen.
Hi Elizabeth,
I read your blog about once a week and I read your book since your story has some parallels to a wonderfull friend’s. So I don’t mean to be rude in what follows, metaphorically walking into your online home and challenging you, but I am concerned with how certain aspects of evangelical theology work their way out in our everyday lives.
Why do you think you deserve hell? And if so, then did you deserve your marriage and the living hell it was? I worry that for someone who thinks the former, the latter is a natural corollary. Yet, if marriage is to be a picture of Christ’s love for the Church, then I submit that you do indeed deserve a good man, should you marry again. Maybe nothing more. But yes, a good man who loves you selflessly and is willing to give himself up for you. Because that’s how Christ loves the Church. Not because of what the Church can do for him but simply because God is love.
What do you think?
Shalom uvrecha,
==
Dan
Hi Dan,
I mean that every person deserves hell but Christ paid my debt and now I am afforded the gift of eternal life. And that every single thing I’m given: life, breath, a home, my children, each day, my health, work I love, my friends, et cetera, area all pure gifts and nothing I deserve.
I’d love to remarry someday; but I do not believe it’s something I am owed.
Elisabeth