So, the other day I talked about being a bitter ex-wife and how that’s really not the best idea as someone who is claiming to follow Christ because he calls us to something so much deeper and more redemptive. But I just talked about the heart behind it. Today I want to talk about the how.
Now, for the love, please know that I am not saying I totally rock at being an ex-wife. It’s not like I go out for lunch with my ex- or anything. In fact, full disclosure (per usual): we barely speak and barely make eye contact. Yes, over eighteen months have passed since the divorce date and over three years have passed since our moving-out-from-each-other date, and we have spoken on the phone once, maybe twice, in the last eleven months. Uh-huh. So, I’m not that kind of ex-wife (read: the amazing, how-does-she-pull-that-off?, she’s-so-cool-and-laidback-and-self-actualized kind). Umm…..no. I’m the, you know, regular kind, who still gets nervous and a bit thrown and wishes things were different and prays that, hopefully, by our kids’ weddings, things will in fact be a bit better.
But with all that said, and even knowing my ex-husband might say that I suck at being an ex-wife, I’m going to share with you what I do on my end that he never sees or knows about. It affects him, for sure, but he doesn’t experience it. Though I still choose, for the most part, to not communicate verbally for my sake, et cetera, and that may come across all immature to some of you (which I totally get), I am doing a couple things right.
Pray. I pray for my ex-husband. I pray for his relationship with our children. And I pray for my kids – in front of my kids – as they walk out the door every single time they are going to be with him. I pray that they make good memories with their dad and I pray that the three of them get along well, among other things. This part isn’t for everyone. Your younger children may not understand or may misinterpret your out-loud prayers; however, in my case, my kids are teenagers and they are pretty aware of their reality, I want them to feel prayed over, and I want them to experience these prayers being answered.
So, even if it’s hard and you don’t want to do it, pray. Or, at the very least, ask the Spirit to bring you to a place where you can do it. You will never regret a prayer prayed.
“When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves.” –Matthew 5:44- (The Message)
Don’t say. When you’re hurt or angry, it’s super tempting and mildly (but only briefly) rewarding to let everything fly that you want to let fly about your ex-husband, either in front of your kids or to your kids. I so get this. I am way better at this than I used to be, and I usually justified it with, “But they need to know what’s really going on!” Yeah, well…..not always. Some things – a lot of things – are better left unsaid.
Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles. –Proverbs 21:23- (NKJV)
{Caveat: But sometimes, yes, they do need to be said. For instance, if they are too young to determine if they’re in actual danger, you will need to – as their mother – do what you need to do to equip them and protect them. Something like, “If you see Daddy with a beer in his hand all day, call Mommy and I’ll come pick you up instead of him driving you home.” It would be horrible to ever have to say something like this to your children, let alone about their father, but your children’s safety comes way before what your ex-husband will think or say if he finds out you had to teach them something as hard as that. Listen, he shouldn’t be drinking in front of his kids, and he absolutely shouldn’t be driving with them. So, in this scenario, he’s the one putting them in danger; and you are the one protecting them. Do and say, respectfully and appropriately, what needs to be done and said for the sake of your kids.}
Do say. This one, you might laugh at me. Especially if things between you and your ex- are contentious, but here goes. Say kind things about your ex-husband to your children, or, at the very least, affirm when your ex-husband does something right. Point it out to your kids. An example: my daughter received a gift on Valentine’s Day from her dad and she texted me about it. I texted back, “Honey, that was really thoughtful of him.” Simple. Took me ten seconds. And even though she didn’t respond, it planted a seed. I didn’t have to do that. I don’t have to do that anytime I do that (and I do it often). But I need and want both of my kids to be able to see the good and the effort that their father is putting into their relationship, for his sake sure, but much more so for my kids’ sake. So, if your ex-husband does something kind or makes an effort on any level with your kids, point it out to them as a good thing.
Love…..is ever ready to believe the best of every person….. –I Corinthians 13:7b- (Amp)
Again, please remember who’s writing this to you, sweet girls. I’m someone who gets this, who has experienced the pain you’re experiencing, who still sometimes does as this is a long, long road. But I take my role as sort of your Mama Birdie super important, and in that capacity, I want to help you to lift your gaze just a bit higher. Being an ex-wife totally sucks. And I would wager that not one of us ever expected we’d be one, but here we are. So, let’s look to Jesus. And let’s do this differently than the world would do it. And let’s show our children what it means to follow Christ even in these hard things.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
Elisabeth, this is SO IMPORTANT – and, in reality – hard to do sometimes. BUT it has been almost three years since I’ve lived with my ex, and in April our divorce will be final 2 years, and I know that when we choose to do what you’ve talked about here in this article, our healing takes place and our hearts remain pliable in the Father’s hand to do what He has called us to do. I’m not the ex-wife that has daily contact either. My children are 19 and 20 so it not up to me as to what relationship they maintain with their dad. BUT, just about a month ago, we all received an inviation to dinner, and my oldest son and I went. It wasn’t easy – nothing about being with him ever is – but at the end of the evening my 20-year-old said to me, “It was the right thing to do.” as he patted my shoulded and let me cry. We are responsible for the example we set for our children.
And believe me, I’m already praying for “family” events like graduations and weddings ect….that I will be able to maintain and “do the right thing”. It’s hard, but very worth it!
Kim, yes, so important and totally not easy! Most important things aren’t. 🙂 -Elisabeth
Elisabeth,
Please read my responses to your Crazy Ex-Girlfriends and Bitter Ex-Wives. I already commented on the Crosswalk entry many months ago. I would just like to sum up that giving advice without a sound foundation of God’s definition of marriage is counterproductive and very dangerous. First, a divorce decree does not end a marriage, only death ends a marriage. Regardless of who was at fault in the divorce, it may sometimes take one covenant spouse to remain Christ-like for the preservation of the marriage. Since God hates divorce, it would best suit each spouse to recognize the real reasons for divorce. This is usually hardheartedness from one or both spouses.
Children deserve humble and contrite parents who obey the Lord. Instead, we see many who enter into marriage without expectations that aim to please the Lord. God wants to make us holy and not happy. Since marriage is best represented by Christ’s love for His church, it may take one spouse to humble him or herself enough to let God do the unseen work in the prodigal spouse. This requires faith in Christ and requires letting everyone know that you will stand on the truth of Christ.
This may include church discipline (Matthew 18:15-17). Going to a spouse and telling them that they sinned against you is important so that repentance can occur. If one spouse rejects church discipline and decides divorce is the only option, then surely this is in God’s hands. However, a prodigal spouse, no matter what actions they choose to take, is not a free ticket to divorce and remarry.
1 Cor 7:10,11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
Following Christ is first trusting in Him by faith. This includes believing a marriage only ends in death. Therefore, get the thought of “ex-wife” out of your head. Start believing that once you have done everything on your end to reconcile the marriage (This must include repenting of all sins against your spouse.), then it is time to trust in the Lord to bring the prodigal back to faith in Christ…which eventually leads to a restored marriage.
In Christ’s love,
Neil
Neil, I appreciate your point of view, but there is also “righteous anger”, & no amount of praying will change the husband that is not saved & blames God for everything bad in his life. What about infidelity? I don’t believe that God wanted me to stay married to an unfaithful husband that also wasn’t Christian. I forgave, forgave and forgave again. I didn’t end my marriage until I knew in my heart that I had done everything God wanted me to. I spent half of my life with my ex-husband. You know what happened 7 months into our separation? God gave me the Christian man that my heart knew was out there somewhere, & I was not even really dating yet. The love that we share is profound & God is first. We are getting married, & i have no doubt that this man was made for me, and I for him.
Dear Jennifer, this is not my point of view. We can seriously error if we ever put emotions and feelings above the council of God‘s word. You are disobedient to what Paul wrote to the Corinth church. This is Paul’s words that come from what Jesus wrote in the Gospels.
1 Cor 7:10,11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
I understand that you are unequally yoked with an unbeliever, however never are you to believe that a marriage covenant ends in a divorce. God wants you to remain in your covenant vow you made before Him to your husband. Your problem is not trusting in faith that God can do work in the life of an unbeliever (your husband). Separation should be a time where you go in prayer the Lord as he works in the life of a prodigal. You should remain single and put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ as your sole sufficiency… Instead, you listened to the advice of the world and the false teaching of “exception clauses” and Pauline privileges”. Now you have committed adultery against your husband by entering into relationship with another man. This new man is not a Christian if he believes he can be with another man’s wife (you). You need to repent and remain single and/or reconcile your marriage.
Your husband needs to see Christ in you. Instead he will see someone who has no faith in God to restore. He also sees a woman who will not keep her vow. What happens if he comes to Christ and repents? Will you forgive him? Will you remain single?
Thank you for your words and for sharing your strength through this blog. I have so much anger towards my ex of 31 years that it just pours from me and my daughter hears much more than she should. I will pray and I will try to keep my words positive and without malice. I am really so much happier and life is so much better but this anger just bubbles up from deep inside when the subject turns to him. The challenge is keeping my ex husband from being the topic of our conversations since he has had that role since she was born 30 years ago. I do know that time takes time…but I so look forward to peace. (and from him living in my head) Thanks again