I know someone who fell hard for a guy (no, I’m actually not referring to myself for once!) and she quickly began to picture their future together.
I already need to interject here: I totally get this. I totally and completely get this. I did this with every boy who ever showed interest in me. Okay, confession: I did this with boys who DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I EXISTED. (Whatever.)
I think it’s something hard-wired into a woman. We were created for relationships in a deep, deep way. We were created to have a partner. And so when a good man crosses our path (or we see a hot guy in a rom-com), we begin to imagine what it might be like if we were together in real life. So, I’m saying, I get this.
So back to the story. She fell for a guy. And then he went away. I don’t know all the details but the girl continued to picture a future for when he came back. (I get this too.)
And then – yuck – he met someone else, and, you know, sort of ended it over email. (Lovely.) I know. I want to throw a shoe at his head. And I don’t even know the full story. But we girls tend to stick together. And I’m mad at the guy and I’m mad at the other girl, and I want to hug the girl who was left high and dry and devastated.
However. Ugh, I even hate this however. However, I was talking to a guy friend about this and he said something to the effect of, “I’m trying to figure out what the guy did wrong here.”
He followed up with, “I can’t help but wonder if she made emotional deposits too large for the account.”
Oh snap.
I think we instinctively know what he’s talking about even if we are railing against it in our heads. We women have a rich inner life. Vivid imaginations. And in that wily imagination of ours, we just might make little assumptions that we shouldn’t be making.
Now, I’m not talking about the man who has proposed – ring and wedding date and all – who goes away on business, and Skypes that he got married to somebody else. He’s just a jerk. Shoe to the head.
I’m talking about what we do in relationships that are new. Or undefined. Or whatnot. Where the man has not said things like “I love you” and “I want to marry you” and “I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with you”. And we just infer that. We just hope that. We just wish that. We just want it so badly that we let our hearts think that is our reality.
Girls, we need to be careful. So, so careful. (I am speaking to myself here too.) Our relationships need to be lived out in reality. We must not let our imaginations paint pictures that our current reality cannot back up.
I’m not saying we can never imagine a kiss or a proposal or whatever. I’m just saying that if you are in a relationship with a man who has given you no reason to believe there is a future with him, you should do all you can to guard your heart from going there in your head without him.
Something God is teaching me is that pretty much in every situation across the board, if I hold even a bit more loosely than my knee-jerk clinging reaction, and if I am careful to not make assumptions about things that aren’t clearly laid out, and if I don’t give too much of my heart away too fast, I might just be a little bit less devastated if it all vanishes. Because there are no guarantees in life, except the great, sweet, deep, unchanging love of God.
I care about each one of you. God cares about you even more. So, guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. –Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
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This is such great advice. When I was divorced and then dating, I took words that men said to me, and made it much more significant than it was……and was obviously hurt when those statements did not come to fruition. I learned to pray continuously and observe the man’s behavior as that was most telling. We as women have to learn to be objective when dating as opposed to being more emotionally-based. This is not easy to do but it helps protect our hearts from much heartbreak.
Brenda, Agreed! Easier said than done, but so important for our well-being to be able to be discerning and careful with our hearts. -Elisabeth
I just want to agree with listening to actions rather than words…I learned (through therapy) and continue to learn in real life to allow others to be truthful with their actions and then live in the reality of what is demonstrated. I have learned the hard way to accept people in truth, not how I ‘wish’ things could be, or imagine to be true.
When a relationship does happen, this helps lessen the hurt of unmet expectations, too. It’s the healthiest way to live within the boundaries of real life.
Thank you for sharing this!
Missy
Missy, I love this line so much: “to allow others to be truthful with their actions and then live in the reality of what is demonstrated”. I should start praying for this to happen in all areas. It’s the healthiest way! Thanks for sharing that.
Oh, I love you! You are so FUNNY!!!!! You are so right. Why do we do that? Reminds me of the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (warning readers: non christian book). The author points out in great detail how we women and girls create something where there is less than something. He also goes on to point out what a man will do if you are THE ONE. He will make it quite, quite clear. I sympathize though as one who did this in the past with a certain beautiful boy who was an exchange student from Brazil who came back to visit when we were in college…….who wrote poetry…….who liked to hold hands……who had beautiful eyes………WHO’S MARRIED WITH KIDS NOW! See what I mean?
Hey Melanie! Thank you!
By the way, I actually wrote a book called He IS Just That Into You: http://www.amazon.com/He-Just-That-into-You/dp/1414114877/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1392935525&sr=1-1. 🙂
This reminds me of a short video I recently watched; “Caller ID.” It shows the nicknames that people have on their phones for people on their contact list. One of clips showed a woman when her date showed up. When she opens the door, she says, “I’m almost ready. I just have to find my phone. Would you mind calling it?” She runs into the other room. Her date is holding a rose for her. He then calls her phone and it rings under a magazine. He picks up the magazine and sees her phone with the caller ID title, “Future Husband.” He backs out of her door to leave.
What you are describing is the same concept. When women get too ahead of the reality of the situation, they can not only hurt themselves, but they could potentially scare away a man with great relationship potential.
Cynthia, oh snap! Yes, let’s be super careful with what we think AND what we put out there!