My (fake but real) e-Harmony Profile* - Elisabeth Klein

Hi, my name is Beth.  I have two teenagers.

Hello?  Are you still there?  Okay, good.  Here’s the real me.  Not the fake I’m-trying-to-get-you-to-ask-me-out me.

I take a pretty long time to get ready every day.

I don’t leave the house without make-up.

However, conversely, in the winter, I can go days at a time staying in my pajamas, which consists of an Aeropostale sweatshirt and yoga pants.  Oh, and in the harsher winter months, I wear men’s long johns underneath the yoga pants.  I think this is where the term ‘hot mess’ came from.

I don’t cook very well.

I don’t cook very often.

I don’t really like to cook.  But if I do cook, I put 70s music on.  And the fire alarm usually goes off.  And my dog hides in my bedroom as soon as he sees me turn on the oven.  No joke.

I do, however, like to be taken out to eat.  So, there’s that.

I have a dog. But please don’t mistake me for a loving, dog person.  I’m not.  I don’t like animals all that much.  I mean, I believe that God created them and all, but, well, yeah…

I need quite a bit of sleep.  I love sleeping in.  I went so far as to have my amazing handyman put up blackout drapes in my bedroom. Like I’m an infant.  And I hate being made to feel guilty for sleeping in.

Which reminds me, I’m the kind of girl who has a handyman…on speed dial.  Listen, I know my limitations. That should be lauded.

I get up in the middle of the night for a snack, practically every night.  I know, I’m like, ten.

I watch more television than the average grown woman who is a Christian should watch.

Oh, and I’m a Christian. And since this is e-Harmony, that should not be an issue for you.  In fact, it’s the most important thing about me.

I almost never drink. Like maybe one alcoholic beverage every two or three months.  Long story.  You can. But that may be an issue at some point.  We should talk.

I have some people in my life who really don’t like me.  It makes me sad.

I am sarcastic, and though I don’t mean to, I can hurt people with my words.

I hate getting lost.

I hate being late.

I hate being in a car with broken air conditioning when I expected it to work, and especially if I’m going somewhere where I don’t want to look all melted.

If those three things happen at the same time, you will want to drive separately.  So far, only my kids have witnessed this trifecta, and trust me, in those moments, they wish Miss Hannigan were their mother. It’s not pretty.  I become otherworldly.

I hate talking on the phone.  Don’t really know why.  But I do.  (This will not change for you.)  Though I love email and texting and actually seeing people in person.

My friends mean the world to me.  You will have to meet them as part of the screening process.

I’m not hugely adventurous.  My idea of a good day is staying home, reading, sitting outside, maybe watching a movie.  I know, boring.  But I’m funny, so that should add some color to the boring-stay-at-home days.

I like to ride my bike.  I do not, however, like to ride my bike with another person.  I have this fear that they will try to ram their bike into mine.  I think I might be repressing some bad memories or something.  So, if you like to ride your bike and you ask me if you can come along, I will try to think of nice ways to say no.  Actually, let’s just consider this your no.

When I’m alone, I sing in the car.  Loudly.  I am not a good singer.  I will more than likely never sing in front of you in the car, but if I do, it means you’re in.

Dude, if you actually made it to the end of this list, bravo.  But you’ve got to know going in, I am just barely scratching the surface.  But I thought you should know all of this upfront.  This list right here has saved us at least six dates.

*The above is not actually my e-Harmony profile; nor is it a plea for dates. It is a joke.  Well, it’s a joke in that I’m not using my blog to get dates; but it’s not a joke in that all the stuff I said is totally true. I really am that much of a handful. You have no idea.

 

 

If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.