Hi, my name is Beth. I have two teenagers.
Hello? Are you still there? Okay, good. Here’s the real me. Not the fake I’m-trying-to-get-you-to-ask-me-out me.
I take a pretty long time to get ready every day.
I don’t leave the house without make-up.
However, conversely, in the winter, I can go days at a time staying in my pajamas, which consists of an Aeropostale sweatshirt and yoga pants. Oh, and in the harsher winter months, I wear men’s long johns underneath the yoga pants. I think this is where the term ‘hot mess’ came from.
I don’t cook very well.
I don’t cook very often.
I don’t really like to cook. But if I do cook, I put 70s music on. And the fire alarm usually goes off. And my dog hides in my bedroom as soon as he sees me turn on the oven. No joke.
I do, however, like to be taken out to eat. So, there’s that.
I have a dog. But please don’t mistake me for a loving, dog person. I’m not. I don’t like animals all that much. I mean, I believe that God created them and all, but, well, yeah…
I need quite a bit of sleep. I love sleeping in. I went so far as to have my amazing handyman put up blackout drapes in my bedroom. Like I’m an infant. And I hate being made to feel guilty for sleeping in.
Which reminds me, I’m the kind of girl who has a handyman…on speed dial. Listen, I know my limitations. That should be lauded.
I get up in the middle of the night for a snack, practically every night. I know, I’m like, ten.
I watch more television than the average grown woman who is a Christian should watch.
Oh, and I’m a Christian. And since this is e-Harmony, that should not be an issue for you. In fact, it’s the most important thing about me.
I almost never drink. Like maybe one alcoholic beverage every two or three months. Long story. You can. But that may be an issue at some point. We should talk.
I have some people in my life who really don’t like me. It makes me sad.
I am sarcastic, and though I don’t mean to, I can hurt people with my words.
I hate getting lost.
I hate being late.
I hate being in a car with broken air conditioning when I expected it to work, and especially if I’m going somewhere where I don’t want to look all melted.
If those three things happen at the same time, you will want to drive separately. So far, only my kids have witnessed this trifecta, and trust me, in those moments, they wish Miss Hannigan were their mother. It’s not pretty. I become otherworldly.
I hate talking on the phone. Don’t really know why. But I do. (This will not change for you.) Though I love email and texting and actually seeing people in person.
My friends mean the world to me. You will have to meet them as part of the screening process.
I’m not hugely adventurous. My idea of a good day is staying home, reading, sitting outside, maybe watching a movie. I know, boring. But I’m funny, so that should add some color to the boring-stay-at-home days.
I like to ride my bike. I do not, however, like to ride my bike with another person. I have this fear that they will try to ram their bike into mine. I think I might be repressing some bad memories or something. So, if you like to ride your bike and you ask me if you can come along, I will try to think of nice ways to say no. Actually, let’s just consider this your no.
When I’m alone, I sing in the car. Loudly. I am not a good singer. I will more than likely never sing in front of you in the car, but if I do, it means you’re in.
Dude, if you actually made it to the end of this list, bravo. But you’ve got to know going in, I am just barely scratching the surface. But I thought you should know all of this upfront. This list right here has saved us at least six dates.
*The above is not actually my e-Harmony profile; nor is it a plea for dates. It is a joke. Well, it’s a joke in that I’m not using my blog to get dates; but it’s not a joke in that all the stuff I said is totally true. I really am that much of a handful. You have no idea.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
You are such an encouragement more than you will ever know.
Hilarious! And for the first half I thought you were talking about me. Yet here I am on the brink of my third marriage, being as transparent as I can be and I haven’t scared him off yet. He delights in my “mess” just as the Father does. For that, and many other reasons, I know he’s a keeper. Nothing is impossible with God.
Kristine, congratulations! And I’m so happy to hear that he cherishes you as is!
Elisabeth, although I can’t imagine EVER dating again, if I did, my list would look like yours. I’m afraid that after so many years of having my needs and wants just pushed aside and made fun of, I’m going to be waaayyyy too picky and demanding for anyone to live up to (NOT to say you are being picky and demanding…but I will be)…I’m just glad to see that I’m not the only one who will be sharing the details of my personality with anyone I just might get involved with.
I met some very nice men through eHarmony. I ultimately ended up meeting my husband (a christian) on match.com
Dating showed me a lot about myself, traits that I thought were important to me no longer were. I whittled my “list” down to 6 things – devoted Christ-follower was #1 and of course, just watching his life in action said it all.
Blessings to you!
You are alright, Beth. You are human. 😉
I loved this …I would not date you but….if we lived closer – I would seek you out as a friend! LOL
Wishing you the BEST…and I do believe that GOD does have a another man out there for you — some day — but right now, he is using you for thousands of women that NEED to hear what you have to say with HIS guidance! Thank you for being obedient!
Hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing…well, I actually did and am now typing. I agree with Kristine that I saw a lot of myself in those words…and I am on EHarmony! Even more “otherworldly” as that is.
Some good ideas in your article I just might modify and use someday. Now, this makes me think you need to write a blog on stuff folks should include in their online profile to really save the trouble of wasted dates 🙂
Ok I’m rolling in the floor right now laughing! I did think this was real and I was commending you in my head for being so open and honest up front. Lol. Because FYI…I did meet my husband on eharmony(after being hounded by everyone about trying it and not seeming to ever be able to find a good “Christian” man that I was looking for) and let’s just say many people on there aren’t exactly 100% truthful about who they “really” are and what they want. Just a heads up for you who are considering online dating lol. Be cautious!
Anyway, just had to comment on this because it was my favorite, for obvious reasons! LOL Thanks for sharing 🙂
Your article was very refreshing. I am reading this on New Year’s day and thinking, who am I really? What would I put if I were totally honest? I have tried so hard for 27 years to stay married that I have given a lot of myself up. This was a good blog post to read today, perhaps 2014 should be used to discover who I really am, if I had to write a post such as this, what would I post? If I had to accept me for me and not become someone to please someone else what would that look like? For instance, I am messy but I try very hard not to be. I’d rather enjoy others company then to clean and yet I probably spend more time cleaning! Wow, thanks for the encouragement today!
Love this so much. Thanks for sharing with your trademark wit and candor.
Thank you, Julie!
Too funny! Too real! I loved it.
I’m married but often seriously want out – 14 1/2 years after many years alone, and raising two small children on my own.
I pray I change.
I pray he changes.
I pray if I found myself alone, I will choose to remain single like Paul.
I might change faster if I keep reading your blogs: the truth about what it’s like to be single.
PS. I wonder if some people were never really meant to be married? I have some thoughts about this but….I need to go…it’s my afternoon alone so I don’t really want to talk online nor the phone.
Anita, hang in there, sweet girl. Hey, I moderate a private Facebook group for women in difficult Christian marriages…if you’re interested, email me at Elisabeth@elisabethcorcoran.com to let me know. I think it might give you some additional support. -Elisabeth
Are these supposed to be your worst traits? You look pretty normal to me.
It shows how hard we are on ourselves. It is only made worse when critical people agree with our harsh assessment of ourselves.
Cynthia, I don’t know about my WORST traits…but definitely some quirks that could drive some men mad or away. 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement.
I laughed out loud – literally – at the bicycle riding revelation. I hate riding with people for the same reason! I thought I was the only one. Even with my kids it used to drive me completely nuts. As a runner, I feel the same heart-gripping fear if someone wants to run with me. What if they slow me down? Or (gasp) speed me up? no way, leave me to my own exercising, thank you very much. That’s why I don’t do gyms.
Breakfast can be your first meal every day, which
is designed to keep you going until lunch time. For those who find themselves finding out how to hold a breakfast fundraiser, it can be generally important to decide which menu you will offer.
Bed and Breakfast are very well known alternative
Somebody with this component is designated as becoming dependable and using
a ‘no nonsense’ method. When you have carried out that
you then you ought to shuffle them to get your power into the pack for an correct studying.
You really mmake it ppear so easy togeter with your
presentation butt I to find this matter to be actually something that I feeel I’d never understand.
It kind of feels too complicated and extremely wiide for
me. I am taking a look forward for your nex put up, I’ll
attempt to get the hokd of it!
Get Cash for Surveys is actually a membership plan that
connects you to many enterprises wanting to pay out you to your
view about their solutions. The plan will direct you to signing up to on the net organizations through emails and types.
When you happen to be on their database the surveys get started coming to you by way
My family all the time say that I am killing my time here at net, except I know I am getting knowledge everyday
by reading thes nice articles or reviews.
00 for 500 sheets depending on where you go shopping, and that makes tons of snowflakes.
Any residual cleaner left on the surface tends to get evaporated all by
itself. Step 3: Once this first coat of joint compound has
dried, a light sanding is in order followed by a second, lighter coat of compound.
Good post. I certainly appreciate this website.
Continue the good work!
Not seeking to give up that practice, and this time my luck was about
to alter. This is the ability to talk with people utilizing mental powers.
I suggest purchasing a cosmopolitan that contains Rain Natural
I think we were separated at birth
I laughed out loud multiple times. I thought one response “I love you”. Honesty. How refreshing. I thought of a few personal lines I would add. Thank you for your continued humor, honesty, insight and care.
Howdy would you mind letting me know which hosting company you’re utilizing?
I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I
must say this blog loads a lot faster then most. Can you
recommend a good hosting provider at a fair price? Kudos, I appreciate it!
An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you ought to write more about this subject, it may not be a taboo subject but usually people
don’t talk about such subjects. To the next!
Hi Dear, are you genuinely visiting this web page regularly,
if so afterward you will without doubt get good experience.
Your style is very unique in comparison to other people I’ve read stuff from.
I appreciate you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just book mark this site.
Hello to every body, it’s my first pay a visit of this weblog;
this web site carries amazing and in fact fine material in favor of readers.