Because I’m a woman, I write from a woman’s perspective, and because I was in a hard marriage, I write from a wife’s perspective.

But I posted about the various kinds of abuse recently, and I got comments from men and women pointing out that it’s not just men who abuse.  Agreed.

So I want to make something clear, in case I haven’t done so quite yet over the past couple years of writing about all of this.

This is a myth:

Abuser = man.
Victim = woman.

I am a domestic abuse advocate. I fight for the safety and sanity of abuse victims, especially those in Christian marriages because they tend to get the shaft in really distinct and sad ways.

And when I write and speak out, I more than likely imply – by the use of certain pronouns – that the abuser is typically a man and the victim is typically a woman.

And though statistics would more than likely back that up, we have to be really honest here.

Men and women are equal in the sin-nature department.  We are equally broken, equally messed up, equally capable of hurting each other, deeply.

And I was the yeller in my relationship, as I’ve previously admitted, which added fuel to the fire and meant that I was sinning in my anger on a pretty regular basis.

And there’s this tricky little phenomenon called reactive abuse, where the victim – not to justify – responds to her abuser in kind with harsh words and sometimes even physical attacks right back.

And I know some pretty mean women, some of whom have battered their husbands and are doing everything they can to ruin their ex-husband’s lives.

So, everyone, just take a deep breath.  I know that there are women out there who need help to stop the abuse that they are causing, and I know that there are men out there who need help to recover from being on the receiving end of their wives’ attacks.

We all need to be kinder. We all need to look at ourselves in the mirror. We all need to admit where we’ve went wrong, where we’re going wrong even today.  We all could stand to get some help to become more like Christ.  And we all need God’s grace poured out over us, lavishly and continually and with open hearts.

Abuse is no respecter of gender. We all are capable and we all need God.


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