Question: “So, apparently walking on eggshells equals enabling. If this is true, when I thought I was putting out fires, protecting my kids, and keeping the peace, I was actually just “helping” him to control {get his way, keep his addiction going, fill in the blank}?”
Yes, to an extent, walking on eggshells, protecting your kids, covering up, trying to catch what is falling through the cracks, et cetera, is enabling. Yes, to an extent, these actions may have kept the cycle going. And I know – trust me, I know – that is a tough pill to swallow.
But if I’ve learned anything from a few years of twelve-step recovery, it would be this. You absolutely must come to a place of showing yourself deep and constant grace and compassion, trusting that that’s what God is doing with you. And here’s why: You don’t know what you don’t know. Let me say that again. You do not know what you do not know.
When you were making sure your electric bill got paid on time so that your lights didn’t get turned off, you weren’t thinking, I am so totally helping him not take responsibility for his family. You were probably thinking, my kids need electricity. When you were rushing your kids to bed so they wouldn’t see their father stumble in drunk again, you weren’t thinking, I am so totally helping him keep getting drunk. You were probably thinking, my kids are too young and innocent to see this and think confusing thoughts about their daddy.
In AlAnon, they have a saying about your loved one’s alcohol abuse: you can’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. I believe that can be said of mental illness, of abuses of all kinds, of infidelity, of any type of addiction of someone you love. Really and truly. You did not make the person in your life do what they’re doing. You cannot make them stop their hurtful actions. And you cannot cure what is ailing them. If you can really let this settle into your bones, this will bring you immense relief.
However, there will come a time…and it sounds like now is that time…when you will start to know what you didn’t know. And that is this. There are some things you can do and some things you shouldn’t do. And they all pretty much fall under this heading — stop being your spouse’s Holy Spirit, mother, parole officer. Just stop. Jump off the merry-go-round. This is one of those simple but ridiculously hard things to do. Especially if you’ve been doing the dance for a long time, and especially if you’ve gotten really good at it.
It may mean letting the electricity get turned off. (I know, crazy hard.)
It may mean letting him drive to work in the car that he just crashed up the night before, as opposed to giving him your car so you have to drive around in the banged-up one.
It may mean if his work calls because he didn’t come in again, you don’t tell a lie to cover for him.
It may mean if your children ask what’s wrong with Daddy?, depending on their ages, you tell them what’s true and appropriate for them to know.
It may mean taking the car keys out of his hand or refusing to get into a car with him if he’s been drinking.
It may mean walking through the doors of Celebrate Recovery or AlAnon and getting the help you need to cope with what seems out of control and completely unmanageable in your life. It may mean breaking your silence and asking someone for help until you get it.
Now that you are beginning to know what you didn’t know, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to wise up and it’s time to stand up…..to evil, to sin, to perpetuating dysfunction. You can do this. You have what you need – the power of Christ dwelling within you – to turn some things around.
I have been divorced for three weeks. Was married for 13 years and have two beautiful daughters 9 and 11. How I wish I had known you and your site before today. How grateful I am to have found you at last! Thank you.
It is SO HARD to acknowledge that my efforts of just “getting through the day” likely prolonged and enabled the crazy in our home. However, you are SO right, we cannot know what we just don’t know. When we know better, we do better.
Our spouses likely chose us because we made their lives/addictions easier. The dance probably goes all the way back to our own family of origin.
Sigh, I believe this dance can change, but that it takes much time and practice to find a new way of doing life together.
Thank you for speaking the truth. My mom endured an extremely abusive marriage for 8 years. For years after it ended she felt guilty. Your comment was spot on. I used to tell her the same thing. She would never have put us through that if she had known what he was capable of.
I did not know until I knew. Then I had to act on what I knew. This is so important, even to tell those who don’t “understand” your situation. I DIDN’T KNOW until I KNEW, and then everything was different. You can’t unread a book, you can’t unboil an egg. It’s different, and it’s better. Thank you so much Elisabeth.
Thank you for being such a supportive and spiritual voice. My story resembles yours in many ways. Alcohol addiction, 2 kids, years of hoping things would change, sadness, frustration, denial (on both parts), incorrect roles (I became a mother to him, officer, mentor, the spiritual leader, etc etc) UNTIL One day I finally knew what I should have known years ago. Only then I was able to assess my situation in an objective way. I could finally see clear. After 17 years we are getting a divorce. I’m a peace with it and even though I’m scared and worried about my children, I’m so glad to know what I know now. God knows I gave 100% for years but my soon-to-be ex took for granted my support and willingness to stand by his side. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, it sure makes ours a bit easier 🙂
I think my impulse every time I read something you write is to comment, “You are incredibly brave.” So here goes – You are incredibly brave. Thank you for being willing to risk so much. There was alcohol abuse in my family growing up. No one talked about anything. Ever. Not even when we were old enough. May God bless and strengthen you and your kids on this journey.
This applies to after the divorce as well. So many people tell me not to say anything against their dad, so I was very very careful. It was actually more harmful because the kids were confused. If dad was so “wonderful” why were we divorced. Now I do not speak ugly about him but when situations come up I speak truth. I tell the kids when their dad is being selfish or hurtful toward them. It is so freeing for the kids and I. And as the kids get older and ask more questions, I answer their questions truthfully. It is giving them tools in their relationship with their dad that they need for the rest of their life.
The phrase that I use in my head when it comes to my kids is “appropriately authentic”. That helps me know what to say and what not to say.
Thank you Elisabeth for sharing this. In the past 2-3 years I have seen my previous marriage through clearer lenses and I know that I covered for him and how much I never should have done that. I truly needed to see this message this week and thank you for your perfect wording to get through to my thick head. No more feeling guilty.
You’re welcome, Maryann. Keep asking the Spirit to make things clear to you…he totally will!
Thank you for reminding me that I did not know what I did not know. Oh how many times I thought I was doing the right thing – trying to juggle the next looming financial disaster, constantly trying to keep the peace, not stirring the pot whenever possible. I thought I was protecting my children from heart ache and suffering. All I was doing was perpetuating the crazy-making and the control.
I still have to work on letting myself off the hook for all the times I enabled him. With God’s grace I’m able to do that. Learning to be kind to me hasn’t been easy but I’ve finally figured out that I’m worth it. We’re ALL worth it! 🙂
Kim, try to look back on your past choices with grace, the way Jesus would. He had you then, He’s got you now.
When I think back on the years when I did not know what I know now, I have to remind myself that God knew….and He allowed me to NOT know for His purposes and reasons. I stayed in the marriage for 25 years, and I was constantly praying for God to lead me, guide me, teach me, strengthen me. In His sovereignty, God did not reveal the “enabling” piece to me until 2 years ago. If I had known it sooner, and had acted on it way back then, I wouldn’t have the 4 kids that I have, my kids wouldn’t have been homeschooled, my parents wouldn’t have been able to come live with us when my dad had Alzheimer’s, etc, etc. For these and probably many more good reasons, God allowed this revelation in His perfect timing. So ladies, we can ALL rest in that! 🙂 God knew what He was doing when He led us down these paths, and He has reasons for revealing only what we needed to know according to His timing and purposes. And we are the people we are today because of those paths, as painful as they’ve been!
Yes, Charity, I completely agree that God protects us and lets us in on what he needs us to know and when. He’s pretty amazing that way.
This is so very true. Beth – you mean so much to so many. Reading your book a few months back was so helpful to me and your blogs an inspiration. This time of separation and pending divorce, dealing with it all on my own, is tougher than I even imagined.. I am a single mom. I love my kids more than life itself. Today was a bad day. I know there will be more good and also some more bad. I am holding on to the faith that I did this for all of the right reasons and that it will all work out for the good. Just some days are much harder than others.
Mindy, stay as close to Jesus as you can…he has been and will keep walking you through this.
Thank you so much for understanding and sharing wonderful encouraging exhortations! Very well received! Blessings and prayers!
Thanks for reading, JoAnn!
Spooky Elisabeth…just plain spooky. All my thoughts exactly. The proverbs 31 woman will do her husband good and not evil all the days of her life (v12). We are nt doing our spouses good when we enable their bad behaviour. You are so right in this!!!
I enabled things to continue to be dysfunctional for so many years, thinking I was being the “good” wife. I finally decided to stop enabling about Jan. 2012. When he complained (rightly, about many things) I asked, “What did you do to fix it today?” or “What will you do tomorrow to fix this?” when the answer was more excuses, I refused to listen. I didn’t protect him from the calls from bill collectors. Didn’t FIND the bills and papers he’d lost.
It was during that time he met the person he’d have an affair with and registered with both match.com and chemistry.com. Looking back I realize that it was partly because I’m sure *they* would listen to him and not hold him accountable.
I don’t regret what I did in holding him accountable…but be aware that some people are so entrenched in their dysfunctional ways, they’d rather break up their family than break the pattern. And, 2 years after I started holding him accountable, he and his parents are STILL in their dysfunctional patterns.
This is a complex issue where women are being told to submit to their husbands, because their husbands are the leaders. This is interpreted as doing whatever their husband’s want, so it is difficult not to enable someone when you are trying to do whatever they want you to. There needs to be a shift in the Christian community where this idea of submission = obedience stops and women learn the truth about submission.
This is further compounded by the fact that it can be frightening to hold a man accountable and to stop enabling him, because women are afraid he will leave and that is apparently worse than living with the dysfunction. But the Bible tells us that if he leaves to let him go. Women need to be okay with that.