Hate:
The shame.
The judgment.
When one of my babies is sick but not at home.
Being alone every other weekend.
Sitting at basketball games alone when it’s his time and my daughter must sit with him.
Every household task and decision falls to me.
The loneliness that sweeps over me sometimes.
No hand-holding.
No guy hugs.
No intimacy. (Yes, I mean what you think I mean.)
The emotional limp that sometimes feels like will never go away.
The games that sometimes still go on when all I want is to be left alone.
Most meat at the grocery store comes with four cuts. (I delight in the times I find a three-pork-chop package.)
That feeling of less-than that I feel as a woman and sometimes even as a small family of three. (Saying “three” at restaurants is still hard for me.)
I’m the good cop and the bad cop all the time with both of my kids. It all rests on my shoulders to parent them well during these next couple years.
Love: (though love is a pretty strong word for this..…I’m not sure I truly love anything about being divorced)
The peace.
The quiet.
The no yelling/no arguing.
The lack of crazy-making.
There is no one here to temper my joy.
I can dance in my kitchen and play the music as loudly as I want without feeling embarrassed.
I make all the decisions.
I can buy whatever I want at the grocery store.
I don’t have to cook as often.
I can take really long, really hot showers.
My home looks and feels the way I want it to.
Jesus is real to me in a different and deeper way now.
I can be a friend to hurting women in a much more free, authentic, empathetic way.
I don’t live in my head all the time anymore.
I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore.
I’m not angry all the time anymore.
I’m not sad all the time anymore.
I get to figure out who I am and then actually be her. The hiding and pretending have stopped.
I’m sure there’s more on both of these lists but it’s a start..…this is all just part of the grieving and the healing. What would be on your list?
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
Love — The freedom of following my calling in ministry instead of being the tag-a-long to his.
I say a HEARTY AMEN to both lists! I think you are reading my mind! 🙂 I add to that list, that I hate watching my kids hurt after their dad has criticized them – yet again. And I LOVE being able to explore my faith and my relationship with God in a way of freedom I’ve never know! (because of the criticism)
This is a healign exercise!
Love: the freedom to have friends, be on Facebook, and blog. The freedom to be active in ministry. The ability to come alongside someone and truly be able to say I know what they are feeling. No longer walking on eggshells in my own house. Being able to host get together a without being scared of being belittled or yelled at in front of my friends. And more…because we are thriving in our new found safety.
Hate: the way my girls don’t feel safe enough to be themselves around him and are starting to not want their Friday night with their dad. The way I’m scared to date, out of fear I will be fooled again or knock us back into an unbalanced state. I also hate the four pals of pork chops and get excited to find a three and hate saying three at restaurants. And I get overwhelmed at the idea that raising these two amazing girls falls entirely on my shoulders all but 48 hours of the month.
Spot on
Amen! Agree with your “love” list and those that were added by others “not walking on egg shells in my own home” “being afraid to date again” etc.. But you nailed it. There is a pro and con to this new found freedom. But my “Pro” list far, far out weighs the “Con”. And knowing that I heard and obeyed God and have continued to hear and obey God has made the “cons” far more bearable. My ex was a church leader who had many on-line emotional affairs, some that he actually met. He would tell me about them after to “confess” and let me know that “in the end” he chose ME over them! (Aren’t I lucky!). I forgave him every time because it was easier than getting a divorce and leaving the church. But God finally convicted me that I was not allowing my ex’s actions to have consequences, and it was time for God to discipline him for the sake of my ex’s relationship with God to be repaired. So I can add that to my “Pro” list. God’s amazing grace to grow and change all of us….even THEM!
Your post really helps me, thanks, It confirms to me what God has put in my heart too, it is time for my husband to be held accountable for his behavior. I was needing to be reminded.
Love: I haven’t has a single nightmare since he left. Not one. And I used to have 4-5 a week.
The overlap was interesting (“Every household task and decision falls to me” on the “hate” side, then being able to make your own decisions on the “love” side).
As for the meat, buy packages of 4 and then wrap up that last cut — tenderly, carefully — almost as though it is an allusion to the preservation of your own soul — and save (freeze?) it for when you are dining alone with Jesus.
I love the meat idea, Michelle! Creative and clever.
Divorce not quite finalized, but in the months of being separated I have experience all that has been shared so far, plus:
Love – Love not having him threaten to make me quit my ministry or forbid me to tithe. Love not having animosity toward everything Godly in me. Love sleeping in complete peace with no fear or anxiety. Love not having to walk on eggshells. Love not having to be hyper vigilant to keep tabs on a list of “checks” to not upset him. Love that I am able to fix up the house because I am no longer waiting for him to (never) get to it. Love the friendships that have deepened due to me being more intentional (and also because I have stopped self-isolating). Love the friendships that have deepened as I have opened up with people about what is going on in my life, and then they have begun to open up as well. Love seeing God bring ministry from my experience. Love the increased time that I am getting with my parents in their later years as they have stepped up to help me–my dad has been helping around the house and we have shared many meals together, etc. Love not feeling numb/dead.
Hate – Hate that some of my friends were fooled by his lies. Hate the looks I get at church from people who do not know the whole story, or have only heard his version. Hate that it is so difficult to deal with some of the logistics of life with the CPO in place, and yet I need it to stay in place. Hate the memory flashes that are associated with so many rooms in my house. Hate how it still takes me a day to get him back out of my brain when he plays mind games. Hate that he blames me for my teenager’s anger towards him, when really it is due to what he has done. Hate having to figure out so many things for the first time–even small things like how to change the windshield wiper blades. I always get it done, but I feel like I am constantly having to learn something new.
men can change (emotionally heal), if they want to.
I agree with all of the wonderfully stated things mentioned. This will sound silly to some, but one thing I love, is that I can bring home a stray kitten and not have to ask permission to keep her. I was always demeaned for my love of animals and my desire to help the helpless ones.
It doesn’t sound silly to me at all!~ I agree!
I love not constantly having to schedule my life around his.
I hate the ways he can still hurt me.
Love: being able to get a full night’s sleep. I basically didn’t sleep well for the last 10 years of marriage; no more broken promises; being sane enough to coach my children through insane encounters with their dad; financial security and stability that eluded me almost my entire marriage; having about 5 times as much energy, being physically healthy and active; knowing that every holiday will not be ruined by one of his temper tantrums/outbursts/meltdowns, but instead will be full of peace, laughter, feasting, and joy.
Hate: the hard work of seeing my own contribution to who my ex-husband became; feeling too “liberal” for conservative Christians and too conservative for everyone else, losing many amazing extended family members, that my teenage son doesn’t have a father around to teach him man things.
Love this post. It’s all true and whilst some days are harder than others, I try to keep looking forward to what life may bring as it takes courage for any woman to make change, especially later on in life – adversity really does make us stronger and my marriage of 18 years will not define me. My two beautiful children, 15 and 9 are a gift from my marriage and a blessing, but I am looking on it as it was “phase” of my life and it’s now time to enter a whole new chapter book. But, your list I’ve printed out to remind me that whilst some times are tough, there are many benefits too to being divorced and there is a reason why I chose to change my life age 48 and put my children though such a major transition in their lives too. Thank you. I LOVE your blogs!
I’ve only been separated temporarily and I loved feeling unafraid about food shopping. Sounds like a simple or small thing but it’s not. I am so tired of feeling apprehensive about so many things. I am not technically separated right now but may be again soon.
I’m sitting here at my desk at work holding back the tears. You’ve no idea (wait — yes you do!) how much I needed this today. I could have written that post. I am a mom to four children, officially divorced now since November after a long 2 1/2 year legal battle. We were married 23 years. I was that Mom with the house in the suburbs with a dog in the back yard. I drove a mini-van and met each of my children at their respective schools every day. Now I’m a single, working mom, juggling a commute, after care for my children and dinner every night on the fly. Life is so very different but I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
I’m a Catholic – you know we’re not supposed to “get divorced” so I struggle with the guilt that comes along with that. I try and remind myself that people don’t know what I lived with for so many years. So, here I am, 44 years old, starting over, sometimes scared but I’d take scared any day just to be free.