I promise my blog has not turned into one big heart-fest or anything like that since I met that great guy I keep talking about. I’ll be back to fighting DV in no time, I swear. But when something happens to me, I write about it. (It’s just that we’re used to only bad things happening to me, let’s be honest!)
So, seeing as that thing with that good man has already wrapped up somewhat and sort of, some thoughts on falling out of fill-in-the-blank. I won’t dare use that one word. But I will say I was/am unabashedly crazy in like with him, totally crushing, and, as already stated, could picture being his wife. So, yeah. I fell hard and I fell fast. A smitten kitten. A goner. Sixteen all over again. It was fun and wonderful and, gotta say, pretty perfect.
But, alas, it’s not moving forward quite as I’d hoped (because of that word I now hate: logistics). So how does one undo all of that good, good stuff? (Someone else should be writing this as I don’t really know, but you know me…writing all wood and clay in the middle of something instead of waiting like a year to write the gold!)
Okay, so here’s what I’ve done so far:
Cried. Quite a bit, I’m afraid. But not because I was hurt by him. Solely because I missed him and us and that thing between us and the hope of us. But crying is good. Crying is release. Crying is healthy. Don’t be afraid of the tears, sweet girls. Let them fall, no matter the reason for your sadness.
Talked. I got it out. I hashed it through with my girls. The ins and outs. I didn’t keep it all in. I didn’t pretend I was okay. In fact, a couple of them came over with tea and chocolate and sat on my bed with me while I blathered. They prayed over me. And then they sort of sat shiva with me (minus the potato salad) as I did my version of that century’s old girl-ritual of burning letters: I.deleted.everything. (Sob.) So that, you know, I wouldn’t be all obsessy and go back and re-read every email, IM and text. Not that I would do that. I totally wouldn’t do that. Whatever. Be quiet.
Prayed. I told Jesus even more of the everything that I hadn’t even told my girls. Because he just loves me and he lets me be me and he promises to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I was even a little ticked with him about the crummy circumstances that are keeping this us from moving forward the way I want, but I believe he’s even okay with that. I surrendered my heart and my future and thanked him for the good gift of even introducing us.
Journaled. I decathected. (Not a word). In other words, I processed it. I wrote down everything I could already think of that I learned from it, anything that maybe was brought to the surface that I needed to think through. And then I wrote down every good thing that came out of it (that list was way longer, I’m so grateful to say).
Counseling. No, he didn’t drive me into counseling. This didn’t make me go careening into a deep depression. I haven’t even made an appointment yet, but I still might. A couple things came out of this that made me think, that made me realize I probably have a bit of work to do in a couple areas. Nothing too huge, just good-to-know-before-this-might-happen-again kinds of things.
Go with the ebb and flow. I sent a text to my girlfriends that I could tell I’d turned a corner (this was on day four post ending…not bad actually) but I also know myself well enough that there will more than likely be a few more tears. That it will take everything in me not to reach out first or whatever. And that’s okay. It’s totally okay to grieve the loss of something sweet that was once in your life but now is not, even if it were brief. So I’m going to let myself.
Listen, I’m so totally new at this. I know how to grieve a hard thing. But this is new territory to grieve a good thing. I’m just learning. But I will say this: no regrets. I’d so rather have had that time together and be wading through all this now than to never have had that beautiful experience. I feel blessed and grateful.
And if you’ve got any tips for getting over a good man who didn’t do even one mean thing to you that you can hang your hat on, I’d love to hear ‘em.
*Full disclosure: this good man and I have decided to remain friends, which helps ease the sadness, I must admit. So, you know, what do I know since we both still kinda crazy like each other a little? Might want to get your breaking-up advice from someone else, just sayin’…