So, I met someone…a man someone…recently (and already past tense, I’m afraid).
I know: me. I could hardly believe it.
He is a good, good man (they are out there!) but it was complicated. Logistically, it is complicated. And though I was happy and giddy for the first time in a long, long time, those clunky logistics made me frustrated and sad because I actually and honestly thought, in our brief time, that he could’ve been the one.
And I don’t just mean the one I could’ve married, though I do.
And I don’t just mean the one I’d been waiting my entire life for, though I do.
I mean I thought he was the one that I could’ve been a good wife for.
I wasn’t a good wife the first time around. If you’ve read my blog for more than ten minutes, you know that I call myself out like all the time. I was an impatient wife. I was a critical wife. I was a scared wife. I was an it’s-your-fault wife. I was an angry wife. I was a sad wife. I was a distrusting wife.
Now, I could push pause and attempt to justify all those versions of wives I was with actual evidence to back up my reactions, but that’s not my point.
I was not a good wife. And I am sorry. And I am ashamed. And I have asked for forgiveness and tried to learn from it.
But I’ve been wondering for the past year-and-a-half since my divorce if maybe I might not be marriage material. If perhaps all I am cut out for is fighting and tears. If I’m just too selfish or too much me to be anyone’s good wife.
And then I met this man. And he helped to right some wrongs and he counteracted much false thinking and he helped me see myself differently. God used him to heal some deep wounds in me. And I realized that I wanted to be a good wife for him. It was crazy, I know, but I did. In fact, I would’ve gone so far to say as I think I would have been a good wife for him. (And he would have been a crazy good husband for me. Seriously, crazy good.)
We…meshed. Complemented. Got each other. Sparked. And so much more.
We were only kind and gentle with each other, only agreeable with each other. (Brand new concept for me.) We both seemed to want the same things. (We just weren’t sure how we’d get them because of those aforementioned frustrating logistics; thus the past tense.)
But in that short time I went from thinking I was a horrible wife who perhaps was destined for singlehood because I was created without the good wife gene or something, and now, someday, I want to be a wife again (to the right man, of course; my bar has now been raised exponentially). Now I can picture what it might look like for me to be one. And though the future is very hard to make out just yet and it probably won’t look the way I had already begun to long for, this realization, this shift, has brought me more joy, relief, peace and hope than I’ve had perhaps ever, and I will be forever grateful, and forever changed.
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I’m so thankful that the Lord used this man to demonstrate to you that things could be different. You have a sense of hope and can know that God can do anything – even bring a wonderful man your way. He is good. It sounds like your perspective is shifted, even if your heart is slightly broken. Those darn logistics!
This post both frightens me and gives me hope. I will have been divorced 2 years in April….separated from my ex for 3 years in July…and the thought of meeting someone who makes me feel worth terrifies me. So I guess it is good to be able to realize there is still much more healing left to do. Like you, I’m going through the “I’m meant to be single” stage of things. Men have nothing I want or need. Sigh.
THANKS for your transparency though. Hope springs eternal.
Wow! I have kept myself from meeting anyone because, like Kim, I am terrified of it., and like you said Elisabeth I know just how much of my broken marriage was my fault because I reacted so badly to his bad behavior, I fear I will always act badly!! I am still at the point of “men have nothing I want of need” like Kim said….. But maybe….. Maybe a good man! Thanks Elisabeth for the hope of someday. 😉
I learned that dating again, espeically when you both have children, has to be fairly practical in terms of how far away you live from each other. Especially if you do want to marry again.
I dated a number of men, a few who were out of state, and were wonderful Christian men, but when push came to shove, (we both have children still living at home) we were not in a position to move to each other’s residence because of custody agreements etc and so that made me more practical.
The Lord orchestrated my meeting a wonderful man who lived 40 minutes from me, and whose adult child was married and in the military – and now we are married. And I am enjoying, for the first time at age 57, an authentic and wonderful Christian marriage.
I hope that I can give other women and men hope and encouragement about the possibility of re-marriage. It’s also very important that you do the work on yourself (through therapy and godly counsel) to change your behaviors from the past and might I also recommend DivorceCare, (which Beth has mentiond several times)? – I am a facilitator for that wonderful group.
Oh this is very good to hear! Thank you for sharing! I have been separated and divorced about 3 years now, I am 44, but still have two young ones at home. I tend to feel that I want to wait until they are out of the house to pursue or think about dating because of their little wounded hearts, and your age and what you shared gives me hope that there is still time, to dream and hope about something like that….in the future! Thank you! 🙂
My above comment was written to Brenda. I forgot to mention that! Thank you for sharing Brenda!
I am wondering, how could you not have been distrustful? My stbx lied a lot. He would blame for not believing him, I took the blame and for years tried to figure out why I had a problem with trust. Then a year and half ago, God showed me that my stbx was reaping what he’d sown. I wonder if some of the things you believe made you a poor wife were really your x reaping what he’d sown?
Oh, I love this post for so many reasons!!! It gives me some hope for myself because I feel just like you and have the same thoughts as you — I was also a distrusting, critical, angry, and sad wife. And I too could hit pause and justify all the reasons why I was this way… and I, too, have started to think that maybe I’m missing that good wife gene. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to be in a non-volatile relationship. I hear so much of myself in your posts it’s comforting in a way to think that I’m not the only one in the world who thinks/ feels these things.
I love that you met someone who made you see things differently. I love that it gave you hope. That gives ME hope!
And I hope that somehow… maybe… logistics could maybe work themselves out for you????
Thanks for sharing! It makes me happy for you and happy that there could be hope out there for me too…
I have definitely made my mistakes as a wife, and in many ways, like mentioned above, in reaction to the verbal abuse I have suffered. I’m still married and it’s difficult, but I confessed to a friend one day that even if I were free, I didn’t know if I would know how to love and be a good wife to any man any more. Like I’m irretrievably broken because of my circumstances. Maybe I will never get there and I”m growing and getting stronger in my challenges, still, if you give me a glimmer of hope that should I have the opportunity, with the right love and care , as Christ prescribes, maybe, just maybe, I could heal and be the wife I long to be.
I LOVED hearing your heart and your head again — and I LOVED hearing the healing within the worlds. You are still ministering to MANY….
Blessings for 2014!
new year. new you. new heart. new grace. new chances. new hope. new perspective. new healing. new possibilities. love you.
Thank you for sharing! It has given me hope that there are good men out there.
I’ve been separated a year this month, in process of divorce. My stbx, past worship leader, said he didn’t love me and I deserved better. We were in process for 3 years trying to work on our marriage after he was having several affairs with lies and secrets. I’ve been so confussed and scared even thinking about dating in the future (2-5+ years or stay single) after being married for over 30 years, not knowing if I could ever trust again. I’ve gone to Divorce Care once which was very helpful to unpack my emotions in a proactive way. Going to go again for at least 2 more times, knowing that each time I will be at a different stage of healing. Maybe even be a facilitator. God has been wonderful guiding and opening doors to go back to school for a career, finding supportive friends and doing things I’ve like to do that I had set aside trying to do what ever I could, to do what I thought was being a good wife. I have been trying to be patient and trusting to let God take care of me and for Him to deal with my stbx.
New adventure and blessings to all 2014!!!!!