My entire marriage was contentious. In fact, my marriage was contentious before we were even married. And if I had to estimate, at least fifty percent of the time if not more, I was the initiator/instigator/enabler/sustainer/fully-engaged participator in the arguing. I hated arguing but I did it anyway. Fighting was a way of life for us, for me.

But I’m finished. I cannot stand fighting and I am emotionally exhausted from the fighting continuing, even if mostly in my own head.

And here’s what I realized. One of the things I’m looking for in the next man, if there is to be a next man, is little fighting.

No, I don’t want us both being doormats, but relational peace will be high on my priority list.

I want to fight with, not against.  Meaning, I want to be fighting for our redemption and our beauty from ashes and for light to win out over darkness.  I’d give anything for a partner to fight with.

And I want to be fought for. Don’t email me. I’m still the nazi-feminist I’ve always been. And I know I should be able to stand on my own two feet. And I know a man won’t “complete” me, Jerry Maguire. For the love. And I know that only Jesus can fill me up and heal me and make me whole.

But, and I don’t know if this is a girl thing or a Beth thing or a needy thing, but yes, I’m going to state it for the record: I want to be taken care of, and I want to be protected from evil and from the world.

I have a friend whose husband – you’re going to die – prays over her while she sleeps before he leaves for work.  Yeah, I want that.

I’m tired of needing emotional protection from my partner and needing to fight innumerable daily battles with my partner.

I want to fight with.  I want to be fought for. 

I am done fighting against.

Taking a few moments to sit quietly and focus your heart and mind on Jesus is one of the best things you can do for yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and even physically. Enjoy this free gift of guided meditations.

you're just moments away from calm!