When I was in my late 20s, my marriage was overwhelmingly difficult and I had no idea what to do about it. But thankfully, I was in a community of believers so I prayed for help and then reached out.
I tentatively shared what was going on, through tears and a catch in my breath, because I didn’t know what to expect as the response.
I saw tears flowing on the faces of my listeners and felt for a moment utter relief. Things were as bad as I thought. That’s a horrible place to be, but at least I hadn’t just been overdramatic. I felt hope. I thought I would be helped.
And I was. And I wasn’t. Because not everyone knows what to do with the things that I shared about. So I was given some advice, some good, some that just enabled me to keep enabling.
But I did everything I was told to do and then some. And then when the problems didn’t get fixed, I moved on with my life, continuing to try to fix everything on my own.
Fast forward a dozen years and a handful of small groups and about five counselors and a hundred books on marriage and thousands of bits and pieces of marriage advice and a million tears and prayers, and I found myself absolutely positive that I was to initiate a short-term separation as a wake-up call.
Things were desperately wrong and horrible. Not only had nothing gotten better over those years and with all those attempts, things had gotten worse (as these things tend to do if not treated properly).
So I had prayed and read books and read Scripture and gotten wise counsel and I felt as concretely as I had felt anything in my life up to that point that Jesus was leading me to initiate this separation. That it was what was needed. That it was what was best for my then-husband, for our children, for me.
And here’s where it gets interesting.
I told my then-husband of this decision. And, with no prayer or thinking it through, he said no.
And then he went to talk to one person from our church and that one person, with no prayer or thinking it through, told my then-husband to tell me no.
And so we didn’t separate.
And I was…what was I?…livid…heartbroken…confused…crawling out of my skin…furious…beside myself…undone… I could keep going.
How were two men able to completely and utterly discount what Jesus and I had decided upon as the best course of action for my crumbling apart marriage?
I’ll tell you how they were…and I don’t even like this answer…because I freaking let them.
Living in community is a very interesting thing. It is a beautiful thing. It is a strange thing. We were created for it but sin makes it so uncomfortable sometimes.
And yet. When I stand before God at the end of my life/at the end of time, I will not be holding hands with every person in my church community. I will be standing alone. No one else will be responsible for my decisions. Only I will be.
Somewhere along the way, I never learned to think for myself. Somewhere along the way, I took on the opinions of my church family as if they were my own, as if I needed to obey them without thinking things through for myself.
Yes, we are to obey the authorities that God puts in place for us, and yes, Church is one of those.
And yet, we are not to blindly obey no matter what. But that’s what I spent fifteen years doing. If my church told me to jump, not only did I already know how high, I then went and jumped higher.
This is not a call to stop listening to what your church is telling you to do.
It’s a call to do the hard work of making sure that what they’re telling you to do lines up with Scripture and lines up with what you believe to be true. And it’s a reminder that the same Holy Spirit that is in your advisers is dwelling within you if you know Christ. And because at the end of it all, it’ll just be you and God. Just you and God.
Elisabeth,
Ohhhhh, how I see totally where you have walked and all that you are sharing. Staying open and in step with the Spirit….Gal 5:25
These are the truths that came to my mind as I read your blog today that continue to encourage me, as I pray they encourage you too. John 2:24 “But Jesus would not entrust Himself to man, for he knew all men.
Trust Christ and Christ Alone….John 7:24 “Jesus own words “Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment.” People have not lived in what you are walking in and we all, at times, judge by appearances, our fleshly nature. Jesus says “Stop”….we cannot make a right discernment until we have all the facts.
I, too, had a godly man say to me “Carolyn, let this go on record, “If you separate from your husband God will not bless your ministry.” I knew within my heart that the Holy Spirit was desiring to lead a separation(1 Cor 7:10-11) to break the :status quo” and I shutter to think if I had not listened to the voice of God, how I would have been caught up in a fallout. God is our Protector, Defender and Shield….the Spirit will lead us into all truth…..John 16:13 Also, so much good came from the separation that began to bring our house into order.
Thank you for your honest feelings, speaking truth in love..Eph 4:15, as you continue to walk out your journey of who God has created you to be for His Honor and Glory….
Much love to my sister in Christ……
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful to you Beth and to you Carolyn for your reply. My heart rejoices with the truth. Truth sets us free!!!!!
Thank you for sharing, Elisabeth! Recently, I had to make a very tough decision to say thank you, but no thank you, to a once trusted friend and counselor. She is the one who recommended the separation,but after counselling my husband for two weeks, she raved about the progress he was making. I prayed for discernment and God showed me how he was continuing to cross boundaries, continuing to blame me, and continuing his controlling behaviors.
Oops…hit send too soon! 🙂 All that to say that I realized that I am responsible to Jesus in all of this. I don’t really blame his counsellor, as he can be very deceptive and knows all the right things to say. It seems I need to choose very wisely who I listen to…now more than ever.