Question: What is the one thing you miss most about marriage?
I had a knee-jerk reaction to this question when it was asked of me recently, and I blushed and refused to answer.
But I have since sat with it and asked it of myself and I think my knee-jerk reaction – the potentially obvious answer – isn’t my real answer.
Because this is what I miss the most about marriage: that thing. That thing that is created between two people once they take the vows and spend day in and day out together.
It’s the oneness.
It’s the intimacy.
It’s the magic.
It’s how there are two people but how the marriage itself sort of becomes this third party of its own.
It’s those moments, in bed, lights off, talking. The words shared in whispers. The looks across the room. That thing. I miss that the most.
And I don’t even think we had it all that much. There was so much brokenness and hurt and hiddenness and rough words spoken by the both of us over twenty-plus years together that I think we kept that thing between us smaller than it could’ve been.
But I long for that. For secrets and promises and dreams and kindnesses and looks and whispers and gentle touches.
I miss what we were supposed to have. And I – sometimes – hope and pray for it to happen again, only more real and rich and deep next time.
I’m married and miss that too.
After 23 years of being with the same man… 15 years of that being married to him, I know exactly what you are talking about. Our divorce was finalized 1 year ago this month, after a 3 year long court battle. In that time, I found “that thing” with someone else. Never thought it was possible, never dreamed there could actually be someone out there that possessed all the qualities I wanted in a life partner, husband, friend, confidant, father-figure for my kids…. but, there he was. God knew. I truly believe that. This couldn’t have happened any other way. We are engaged & will be getting married next September. Allow me to be the beacon of HOPE you & your readers may so desperately need. Life is not perfect, as we are not perfect, but I now have someone by my side who is 100% with me through it all and someone who is willing to work with me to make our relationship great! You can have it all! Happiness, compassion, love, tenderness, kindness, forgiveness, romance, silliness, help, fun….. I know, I found mine. 🙂
I had a glimpse of that thing from time to time in my first marriage, but the wounds between us, the secrets, the abuse and antagonism squelched the closeness. I am just recently remarried – I am so pleasantly shocked and amazed at our connection, that thing! It’s there day in and out (so far =0) and we take time to be intentional about keeping the connection.
The difference in getting healthy myself and being in a relationship with another healthy adult is HUGE!
I completely agree with you! It’s just “that thing”. 🙁
I think it is the longing for “that thing”
that keeps so many of us trapped in unhealthy marriages.
You’re 100% right! Because somehow somewhere we had it or even caught a glimpse of it and pray, wish, hope and long for it to somehow majicly be there again and all the hurt, brokenness and stuff will be swept away. I know I am at a fork and that thing is what I am still considering!
It’s so easy to look back with rose colored glasses from the other side of safety & security from a difficult marriage. As one who is in a difficult marriage, I can tell you I have none of the quiet conversations in bed, no tenderness, and no shared whispers or looks across the room. It is a struggle every day to live with a room mate that acts like I’m an inconvienience and bother. It’s a struggle every day to work full time, pay all the bills, and take care of the house while he sits. It’s a struggle to not have any affection, no loving words or kisses or embraces. Other than him being indifferent, there isn’t a reason to get divorced so I’m sticking it out. It’s both of our second marriages so I’m done when this one ends.
Beth, I know exactly what you are referring to – only I NEVER experienced it in my first marriage. Just like Dawn, I had determined that I would stick it out as he hadn’t given me a “good enough” reason to leave him. I LONGED for “that thing” for 10 years – knowing it was possible and existed – only not for us. He was devoid of any capability of intimacy – or so I thought! Turns out, he was just devoid of any capability of it WITH ME! He left me for another woman and, after getting over the initial rejection, I felt relief and release – now I could find “that thing” with someone else. It didn’t happen for 12 years but when it DID happen it was unmistakable!!! God brought the sweetest most wonderful man into my life!! There IS hope and “that thing” IS out there….I believe God waited to bring him into my life to let me heal and grow FIRST! Looking back on the loneliness and the hurt I can honestly say I wouldn’t change ANYTHING about that time of my life because it eventually brought me to my husband and soul mate.