When you write things online, you find yourself wide open for comments, which I totally get. I am one hundred percent putting myself out there each and every time I hit send or post. It comes with the territory.
And most comments, honestly, I am able to shake off. (At least, way better than in the earlier days.) But sometimes, something gets under my skin and just plain hurts. And that happened this week.
I was writing about what I always write about and someone said this in the comments section:
“My only quibble is the title of your book (Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage): Obviously, your marriage was not a Christian marriage.”
Oh well, obviously. Obviously?! (The gall and judgment in that one word alone…)
She went on to explain what she meant, referencing my ex-husband’s lack of something or other, but here is what I felt when I read those words:
I felt un-labeled. I felt like the sacredness of my marriage was blown away in a whisper with that one sentence. I felt, how dare you? I felt, who do you think you are? I felt like she took my last twenty years and all the work I put into my marriage as a Christian woman who was trying to build and save her Christian marriage and crumpled it up in a ball and threw it away, all dismissively and as if on a throne of some kind, this woman who has never met me or us.
And here’s what I wanted to say to her when I read those words:
“My marriage was a Christian marriage because I am a Christian. And my marriage was a Christian marriage because Christ is in me and therefore Christ was in my marriage. My ex-husband claimed to be a Christian before and during our marriage – and still probably would claim to be – and if “once saved, always saved” is true, he still is. Though I understand your point, I must state that I do not believe you are the judge of the “Christian-ness” – the sacredness – of my marriage, you who are a stranger. In the future, you might want to be more thoughtful with your words and how you label someone you do not know.”
It’s a dangerous world we live in. And we all hold so much more power than we think we do, to inspire someone to keep going or to break someone’s spirit and bridle them with words that leave them despairing.
Define carefully.
You go, girl.
keep up the good work EKC … some one has to stand on the side of ‘truth’ … u go lady …
Elisabeth,
I am sorry this hurt you and yes, God is using all to toughen our skin for where we are headed for His Honor and Glory. May your heart remain mush and your skin alligator tough as you remain open and in step with His Spirit. Gal 5:25
I love John 7:24 Jesus words to encourage you, not that you need them….Stop! Judging by mere appearances and make a right judgment. No one can make a right judgment(discern) unless we have all the facts and have lived in it…..
Yes, I come in agreement with my sisters in Christ above…..You continue to persevere for who God has created you to be for His Purposes. James 1:12…..and continue to speak truth in love…Eph 4:15….
Blessings in Christ……
Oops….one sister in Christ and my brother in Christ…..correction not two sisters in Christ…:)
Love in Christ…..
First, I think it’s growth that your first thought was, “how dare you?!”. Yay!
Secondly, it reminds me of the time a few years ago that my mom told me, “You just hate Christians.” Um, I thought I was one? Of course, now I realize she’s right in many ways — I don’t hate Christians, but there’s a whole lot I don’t like about a lot of the Christians I see. And, living in a NC mountain town that is home to one of the biggest Christian ministries in the world, there are a lot of those “putting on/perfect” Christians around (and the legalism of that place is crazy!! You aren’t even allowed to be seen buying wine or beer and will be fired if you have a glass of wine in public. So, yes, drink at home if you can sneak it there, because that is much healthier.).
I heard you on Midday Connection on Oct 29th and it was just what a needed to hear. My marriage has been struggling for awhile now and it is a Christian marriage. I immediately joined your blog email list and FB page. I so appreciate your daily emails and perspective for us women out here in difficult marriages! You are a blessing to more people than you know. Don’t give up even though there are so many people out there who don’t understand and don’t have any filter in their brains! : )
Thank you for the kind words, Dawn. So glad you’re being encouraged.
Agree wholly. Unfortunately, it is SO easy to be hurt! I hated reading what happened because of how deeply it affects me when it happens to me. Do you think it hurts so badly because I am raw and still in the process of healing? Just wondering.
Usually said instances consist of snide little remarks (or one word) that leave partial footprints on my face because it seems like the person is trying to appear better than me. Most recently it happened with someone of whom I thought better, though yet again I was stabbed in the heart.
It is not uncommon for a lifeguard to be pushed under by a drowning victim. While it is unfortunate that this person sucker punched you with semantics, it is God who knows your heart. He is your Righteous Judge and will give you credibility as you consistently take us to Him.
Your response was very well written and dead-on! Sadly, there are many Christians, but by no means all, that believe they have the right to spew venomous words in the name of Jesus. Having been on the receiving end too many times, I know the power of those words to cut to the core. I believe that is why the Bible speaks about the power of the tongue more than many other issues. Christ warns heavily about the damage words can cause. Though it is hard, I am praying that those words do not find fertile soil to settle in your heart, but the words of hundreds and hundreds of women who find blessing and strength in your calling will sink deep and grow. The person who wrote those words, unless repentance comes, will be accountable to God for her hurtful attack. He is the wise and just judge. Keep pressing on! Your book’s title is exactly what God intended it to be as He is the author of your life!!
well said….. AMEN!
A famous quote by Mahatma Gandhi is, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” I think the sentiment is perfect for this situation.
What I have found is that it is very easy to make a judgment about a situation that you have little knowledge of, but then when you are in the same situation, you realize just how little you knew. I never thought that my marriage would crumble or that I would have a drug addict for a child. I used to think “not us”…. but yes, it happened to us. At one time I was probably smug in my parenting skills and my efforts at being the perfect spouse. Before having a troubled teen, I may have judged other parents. Before having a failed marriage, I may have been critical of struggling marriages. I think that God uses these circumstances in our lives to help us to become less judgmental and more understanding; to become more Christ-like. I ask forgiveness of God if I have hurt anyone by a thoughtless comment. And now I hope we can extend grace to someone who hasn’t walked in our shoes…. yet!
I’m sorry that this happened to you. I just experienced this type of thing. I risked opening up and tried to describe my situation which is not easy to do and felt judged, by another woman. It hurt. I wish it didn’t, but it did. People make sweeping judgements and throw one size fits all answers at you sometimes. I think someone doing this is more concerned with hearing themselves give advice and feeling like an expert than caring about your heart and where you’re at. I am trying to avoid those that do this and not dwell on it.
Hi Elizabeth,
God bless you! You are thinking in an honest way about complex issues, hard issues for believers to deal with. Many believers dealing with these issues inflict such pain and judgement, and add burdens to people already burdened with so much pain. You are being Jesus to people who are suffering and marginalized. Just like him, even if there are mistakes and even sin, you refuse to reduce people to being unacceptable. You reach out to people who, in so many cases, have been sinned against, and offer them compassion and comfort. Like Jesus, you step across human attitudes and customs we adopt into the church, which are not Jesus, customs that reject, diminish, and hate.
I just met you through an entry on the beliefnet website reviewing you new book. I am always looking for resources to recommend to my clients who are suffering in difficult marriages. I never recommend divorce either, but I support people who are seeking God, and wrestling with the brokenness in a marriage. And when a marriage is so far from what God intended, and when there is great hardness of heart, I support them when someone comes to the decision to leave. It is not my place to approve or disapprove… only to love.
We so need people like you who are willing to acknowledge that e don’t have all the answers, and who actually live out Jesus’ command not to judge. Keep up the good work. Keep telling the truth and supporting others who have the courage to do so. People suffering in an abusive marriage, or infidelity, or toxic behavior from a spouse so need someone who can hear their pain, and not get caught upon the drama that can unfold.
God bless you!
David
I had the exact same thing said to me. Even though there has been a long path of healing, those words still echo. I was sitting in the pastor’s office with the pastor’s wife after removing my husband from our home due to physical abuse.. and she looked at me and said that we obviously did not have a Christian marriage and that in fact our marriage was no different than any pagan marriage. Then the ball dropped, when she looked at me and said “Obviously you are not a Christian”. With those words she shattered me and my faith. Thankfully God is bigger than those who judge and those who words are used to tear down and in time God has brought much healing.
Lynn, this is so horrible and my heart just breaks for you reading those words. I am so, so sorry that was ever said to you. But I’m so glad God is healing you and making you stronger.