Question: How do I forgive my spouse, and what is the difference between forgiving him and trusting him?
This is about the weightiest of all topics, isn’t it? Let me start by saying that I believe we are all called to forgive everyone for what they’ve done to us, but I do not believe we are called to blindly trust everyone.
Here’s the thing about forgiveness. It’s about you, it’s not about him. If you are in a perpetually bad marriage or your husband is cheating on you or lying to you all the time, this will be an uphill, daily battle. Every night before you go to bed, you could probably benefit from taking a few minutes with a journal and saying, “Here’s what happened today…this and this and this. And I am choosing to forgive him. And I am choosing to remind myself that Jesus died on the cross for me as much as for him. And I am asking you to help me forgive fully and freely.”
But this does not mean you forget, which ties in to the difference between forgiving and trusting.
Say, for instance, your husband is looking at pornography every night before he comes to bed, and he lies to you about it. Do you need to forgive this? Yes. It will be hard and feel impossible, but you do. Because this is about keeping your heart free and open; it has nothing to do with his behavior stopping or changing, or even if he apologizes or not.
But do you need to believe him when he lies to you? No. A liar cannot be believed.
Do you need to act as if it’s totally okay that your husband has a pornography addiction? No. Because an addiction is not okay; it’s not what God wants for him or for your marriage.
A reminder here: you cannot muster up trust for someone who has broken trust. You can only pray for an open heart to be ready to receive someone’s changes and amends. But it is the person’s responsibility who broke the trust to rebuild it. Not yours, bottomline. So take that load off your shoulders, sweet one.
Your part is to keep your side of the street clean. Meaning, you follow God. And you confess your sins. And you have an accountability partner.
Your part is to gently confront him. You tell him what behaviors are unacceptable to you and what changes you feel need to be made. You then tell him that you’ll be following up with him in such-and-such a time frame.
Your part is to pray for him. No one can pray more intimately for someone than their spouse. You know the details of his heart and life like no one else.
Your part is to follow through. If you set out some tasks of accountability, you must be consistent and check in to make sure he’s done his part. If not, then you move on to the next step of your plan.
Do you see where I’m going with all this? Forgiveness is something you do with your heart wide open. Trust is something you let someone else rebuild with your eyes wide open.
Love is not blind. That is cultural, not scriptural. Be wise and discerning. Forgive all, but trust only the trustworthy.
It is AMAZING what God does.. I am struggling so very much with forgiving and trust. It has consumed all of my days over the past 3 weeks. I found my husband lying and hiding about a 4 month affair.. Was our marriage rocky before yes, could we have both changed and fixed it a few years ago yes.. Did we NO!! so he decided to go outside of the marriage.. Now I have NO Trust because I know he is still lying and hiding as well as he is an Extreme Narcassist. Whole different story. But thank you for your words..
Oh how I needed this reminder and encouragement today! Had a good conversation with my 18-year-old a couple of nights ago about this very topic. Forgiveness is a daily choice. And, like you said it has everthing to do with heart wide open toward God. Only God can reveal unforgivness in your heart (He did to me just the other night in a pretty dramatic way), and whe you ask Him to help you forgive He will!! You let yourself out of the prison of unforgiveness and are free to live and love to the full!
My ex believes (or told my son anyway) that forgivness means forgetting and reconciling. My son said only God can put our sins as far as the east is from the west. He didn’t give us that ability. Hence memory and distrust. And porn addiction and multiple affairs, verbal and phiysical abuse resulted from that addiction. 2 years after discovery, I have yet to hear any apology other than, “I’m sorry you got hurt.” He still doesn’t believe he has a problem. So, I have a trust issue BIG TIME. God is working in my heart in the area of forgiveness, and for that I am grateful. As for trust…He has blessed me with a phenomenal Christian counsellor to help me with that!
This is an area MANY folks confuse, to their detriment. Thank you for clarifying!
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