Twenty years ago today, I said I do, and then argued in the limo between the church and the reception, and then walked straight up to the bartender and this non-drinker said, “Give me a shot of anything, and keep ‘em coming. I’ll be the one in white at the head table.”
I did that because I knew. I knew I had just made a mistake.
I did not just think this between the church and the reception though. This was not new information.
I had that moment alone in the bride’s room where I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself I could walk away. My Dad, if I remember correctly, even told me he’d get me out of there if I needed him to.
But my wedding day was not the first time I thought that either.
There were hundreds of moments during that four-year rocky courtship of dating and fighting and breaking up and getting back together and begging for a proposal and a broken engagement and trying to stay together as if nothing had changed and breaking up again and getting back together again and another forced engagement and fighting and fighting and fighting when I thought deep down, What are you doing? Walk away. You’re going to emotionally kill each other if you don’t.
When you saw me planning my wedding all those years ago, it wasn’t excitement driving me, I now know. It was panic. It was get this man down the aisle and that ring on my finger before he changes his mind again. It was if he won’t marry me, no one will, because I am unlovable and I can’t stand the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.
Though I did love my then-husband and though I wouldn’t trade my children for anything in the world, what I did that day when I stood before God and my family and friends was make a mockery of marriage. I took it too lightly. It was all about me and my security and making sure I got that one thing I thought I needed so desperately because I didn’t trust God to make it happen for me.
I am ashamed of that girl. And yet, I have so much compassion for her. She was so, so scared. She was so sad. She felt so unloved. She felt so alone. She had so little faith. And when we are scared and sad and feeling unloved and alone, we tend to not make the best decisions. So I am showing my twenty-three-year-old self grace today. And I am telling her it’s all going to be okay. And I am letting her off my hook. And I am whispering to her to learn from all of this.
Gratefully, twenty years later, I know I am loved. And that has changed and will change everything.
Oh how this speaks to me this morning! I, too, thought that I HAD to marry “this man” because I was not worthy of anyone better…not capable of waiting until someone who truly, deeply loved me would come into my life in God’s time (not mine). Instead, I married someone who cheated on me after we had been dating for over a year – not just one night stand cheating – a well-planned a romantic 4-day trip involving plane tickets, etc. with an old girlfriend and told me he was going out of town for work! Such total disregard for me as a person – total dishonesty and disrespect. And yet my self esteem was so low that I got back together with him after he returned from the trip, and got back together with him AGAIN after he broke up with me 6 months later saying that he “just wasn’t sure about us…” No wonder he never treated me as an equal or respected me as a person – who would respect someone who allowed that type of behavior without saying “goodbye and lose my number!!” If I had the self respect then that I have now, how different my life would have been. But, God used my folly and insecurity for good by bringing into my life two amazing children who are my joy. God is amazing…He takes our mess and makes something beautiful anyway!!
Thank you for your eloquent words. It is so comforting to hear others have gone through the same thing and have the courage to say it. I’ve kept things like that hidden deep in my heart because I felt it was so wrong to think them about my husband. But i see now, that on our way to pick up the brdesmaid dress when my mom stopped the car and said you dont have to go through with this, that it was God speaking through her (as He has done many times since as well and i have learned to listen).
I appreciate the pain that accompanies anniversaries. I just passed what would have been my 24th. That was a very hard month for me. Like you, I have questions, but unlike you, I married a man I loved – wanted to marry. The red flags began to appear within the first year though. I ignored them thinking my love would be enough to heal what was broken. I have learned after 22 years of marriage and 2 years divorced that I am not God. He alone can heal our brokenness. I am trusting God alone to heal the man I married all those years ago. Our marriage didn’t survive, but, like you, I have two beautiful children from that union, and God is working in their precious lives and they are serving Him. For that I am eternally grateful!
But right now, that anniversary, for me, is still incredibly difficult and painful. I must trust God to heal that broken place in my heart too. I praise Him that He is our Healer!!
Ditto.
For real.
I could cut and paste and claim that as my own. Goodness gracious, I was even 23 on my day!
I especially like the parts that take ownership without condemning oneself. Yep. Perfect.
Very, very similar to my story….although when I told my mom I wasn’t ready she said “You just have cold feet.” I had no safe place to go to. I was sooo young and dumb at that time….but his 2 sisters did tell me his 2 greatest flaws, but not to call off wedding. I was so scared and bullied by him to hurry up that I just went through with it. But 3 beautiful children I have that are the best part of all. As I speak to them about “what you’re seeing and experiencing is not normal” I can see that they’re grateful to be validated in their gut instincts, and hope that they do NOT marry out of fear, neediness, or “what feel normal” based on their home dynamic. Being honest is so freeing! God bless you.
I can so relate. I don’t think I married out of fear or neediness, but was so naïve and too trusting. Like mentioned above, I thought time, maturity and my love would ‘heal’ my then-husband of his wounds. Yes, only God can do that and only when the person is open to Him.
Thank you for sharing.
-well written – this will help many to identify what they have been unable to see –
I married young, but I was in love – but very needy. Oh, how I felt I did not deserve this guy – how unloved I was – but had NO clue!
I am prayerfully thanking HIM for Anniversary #26..but there were 7-10 years in the middle of that — that were pretty darn stinky. Hell…to be exact….
Either way – any circumstance and any situation — we are all so different and yet, so the same — until we all realize that GOD is the healer — the only one that can do the fixing and until we grab ahold of that fixing and then LIVE each day like that…
– that is the challenge ..until heaven…
Elisabeth – you do a GREAT job ministering to others both still married, in troubled relationships, and those who have been blessed with a rebirth or restoration/miracle.
Why God moves in one marriage and not another – we won’t ever know…part is the people involved, but I still see couples that seem to BOTH be looking to HIM…and yet, HE reminds me – I don’t know their heart.
It is a mystery.
WE don’t understand God – or try to ‘fit’ it in a box..HE is God.
My husband stated this am as we were praying for two couples….”why limit a limitless God?”…
I thank God that he is now praising and speaking life to me and others when for over 7 years he listened to the enemy …..
Sorry – got off on a tangent – Lord, bless Elisabeth today in a supernatural way – to remind her HOW awesome she is and HOW wonderful her site is…to help others — find YOU…SEEK YOU..and to believe that…YOU do love them. In Jesus name, amen.
This story is so much like mine too. The difference is that I was 31 not 23. He was on his best behavior during the wedding, his temper showed during the honeymoon. But I am still grateful for my beautiful child. It only lasted a bit less than two years. But I know God is just and He loves us, and He will provide for the one that did not honor the covenant. I have seen that happen and I am sure it will happen for us, Elizabeth. He is one awesome God and He will be glorified through all this.
Just found your blog and wanted to say Thank You for your honesty. I can definitely relate to this post and it’s a difficult thing to share with people. My ex cheated on me numerous times in the course of our 7 year marriage and I just hoped something would change. Finally I just couldn’t take anymore. We have a beautiful daughter though. We’ve been divorced for 2.5 years and I am in a much better place, however just having trouble with the loneliness of being a single parent. God definitely wanted me to find your blog and again I thank you.
Samantha, if you’d be interested in the private Facebook group for women who are divorced, send me a friend request and I’ll add you. -Elisabeth-