I have a couple kinda big things brewing right now: I’m leading an all-day retreat this month; I’ll be leading two small groups in October and November; and my book is coming out. Not my typical fall season.
But I have an enemy. And he doesn’t like it when I try to push back the darkness. And so with my attempts come attacks. It’s like clockwork in my life.
A commenter on an online article I wrote called me a whining two-year-old.
I did something wrong, and then I got yelled at.
Something happened that has placed my children’s safety in jeopardy.
Someone I love is having health issues.
My fiction project has an unknown future, despite how much hope I once had in it.
I’ve had a death in the family.
Three of my best friends have had difficult struggles.
Someone sent me an accusatory email over something I didn’t actually do.
Repercussions keep coming over something I did, and shame is following me around wherever I go.
And that’s just the last couple weeks. Seriously.
I am being taken down and feel labeled awful things by everyone and everything, and yet I have things to do. Things that I have little energy for, things that I am being made to feel completely unworthy of doing, things that are important and meaningful.
Now, I realize that some of these things aren’t happening directly to me (I don’t actually believe the world revolves around moi), but when a friend is hurting, it weighs on my heart.) And most of these crazy bad things, I can do absolutely nothing about. My hands are tied. But even the things I can take action on, my actions don’t seem to be doing a bit of difference.
In the crummy moments, when the darkness wins, I sigh. I feel defeated. I feel stuck. I play Solitaire.
In the better moments, when I remember that the darkness doesn’t get to win, I raise my head. And I write a little bit. And I pray for someone, maybe even someone who’s hurt me. And I do the next thing. And I remind myself that I am intimately involved with the One who will wrap up this story, and it’s not the one who is trying to knock me off my game and take me out at the knees. He may nab a battle or two here and there, but the war will go to Someone bigger, brighter and full of grace and truth.