I have a couple kinda big things brewing right now: I’m leading an all-day retreat this month; I’ll be leading two small groups in October and November; and my book is coming out. Not my typical fall season.
But I have an enemy. And he doesn’t like it when I try to push back the darkness. And so with my attempts come attacks. It’s like clockwork in my life.
A commenter on an online article I wrote called me a whining two-year-old.
I did something wrong, and then I got yelled at.
Something happened that has placed my children’s safety in jeopardy.
Someone I love is having health issues.
My fiction project has an unknown future, despite how much hope I once had in it.
I’ve had a death in the family.
Three of my best friends have had difficult struggles.
Someone sent me an accusatory email over something I didn’t actually do.
Repercussions keep coming over something I did, and shame is following me around wherever I go.
And that’s just the last couple weeks. Seriously.
I am being taken down and feel labeled awful things by everyone and everything, and yet I have things to do. Things that I have little energy for, things that I am being made to feel completely unworthy of doing, things that are important and meaningful.
Now, I realize that some of these things aren’t happening directly to me (I don’t actually believe the world revolves around moi), but when a friend is hurting, it weighs on my heart.) And most of these crazy bad things, I can do absolutely nothing about. My hands are tied. But even the things I can take action on, my actions don’t seem to be doing a bit of difference.
In the crummy moments, when the darkness wins, I sigh. I feel defeated. I feel stuck. I play Solitaire.
In the better moments, when I remember that the darkness doesn’t get to win, I raise my head. And I write a little bit. And I pray for someone, maybe even someone who’s hurt me. And I do the next thing. And I remind myself that I am intimately involved with the One who will wrap up this story, and it’s not the one who is trying to knock me off my game and take me out at the knees. He may nab a battle or two here and there, but the war will go to Someone bigger, brighter and full of grace and truth.
As soon as I read this, the story of Nehemiah came to mind. Partly because I just taught about it at church on Sunday, party because your struggle sounds a lot like his. I love the fact that even though Sanballat called Nehemiah and the workers “feeble Jews” (Nehemiah 4:2) and they had to work with a sword in one hand and a tool to build in the other, they pressed on. Sanballat spread rumors about them, threatened to bring an army to defeat them, said their construction was so pitiful a fox could break it down and that they had no clue what they were doing and would fail. My favorite verse is in 6:16 “And it came to pass, that when all our enemies heard thereof, and all the heathen that were about us saw these things, they were much cast down in their own eyes: for they perceived that this work was wrought of our God.” (KJV). That’s what will happen when we press on for God, despite what the enemy throws our way.
Thank you Elisabeth. Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Thank you for writing, and loving, and praying. Thank you.
You took the words right out of my mouth (except for the things on your upcoming to do list 🙂 God has been slowly blessing with wonderful opportunities lately doing things I love-and even bringing in a little moolah along with them! The battles seem to be getting more intense too, but He draws me close and I refill my soul more often with His living water. I am starting to get the hang of pouring out-refilling-pouring out-refilling and it gets easier as the momentum gets going. I am almost to the point where I can thank God for the trials and hardships, but not quite-wink! Your book is going to help many people and we are praying for you Beth <3