I’ve been divorced for over a year now, which must be the official seal of approval to start dating in our culture.  Because yesterday, I was asked four times if I’ve started dating yet.  FOUR TIMES.  Dudes, really?

I answered with something like, “No way, man!”  You know, all coy and lady-like.  But in my head I was thinking, “NO WAY, MAN!” all screaming and frantic.  (And, p.s., by the way, how about I’ll let you know if I start dating, all of you people in my life…)

So here are the top ten reasons I am scared to date or even think about getting remarried:

10. I’m shy.  Seriously.  Most people tell me that surprises them, but I totally am. Give me a book and my couch and I’m good to go.  Tell me I have to go to a party and I need to lie down first, ask the Holy Spirit to help me, and perhaps pop some Tums.  So not kidding.

9. I don’t know where the unmarried forty-something Christian men are. My theory: already raptured.

8. I’m pretty scared to try online dating.  Either because of the stigma or the potential stalking/murdering, one of the two.

7. My closet.  My closet currently fits all of my clothing.  If I were to get remarried, I’d probably have to move two seasons of my clothing to somewhere else in my house. You know, to share. And I like having all of my clothes in my closet. I know. Be quiet.

6. I like going certain places by myself (like grocery shopping, bike rides, errands, etc.). I guess I assume married couples do most things together.  (And I like, when I go grocery shopping, being able to buy what I want…within reason, of course.)

5. In each of the (very small handful of) relationships I’ve had in my life, I lost myself.  Or, more accurately, I let myself get lost.  The other person became my main thing.  I’m scared I’d do that again.  Get all teenager-y and obsess-y, which is somewhat fine and understandable when you actually are a teenager.  Not quite as acceptable when you’re 42-ish.

4. I’m kind of particular, as I’ve mentioned before.  I like doing things a certain way.  I’m afraid I’d be telling this nice person who has married me and moved into my home to, you know, leave me alone a lot.  Which seems to kind of defeat the purpose.

3. Though I joke with my girlfriends that my bar is low (male, breathing, between 30 and 60), I think in actuality my bar is pretty high.  This man would have to love Jesus more than I love Jesus and love Jesus more than he loves me; he’d have to love my kids and my kids would have to be really pretty okay with him; and he’d have to be really kind to me consistently.  And right now, I’m just not sure that’s out there.

2. My divorce was hard.  Really hard.  And if my divorce were hard, and if the other person’s divorce were hard, that’s a whole lot of baggage to wade through and drag into a new relationship.

And the number one reason why I’m terrified to date and possibly even more terrified to even think about getting remarried is…

1. My marriage was hard.  Really hard.  I’m scared my next marriage will be hard too.  I’m scared all I know how to do with a man is fight and be sad.

So, no, I’m not dating yet.  Yes, I’m scared to.  Nope, I haven’t even been asked out yet.  And, honestly, I have no idea what I’d say if I were.  Asked and answered.  Next topic please.

If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.


Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

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