My church is doing a great summer movie series where we are looking at how movies can inspire us and relate to our lives and spirituality. Our Community Pastor, Larry Boatright, taught on Remember the Titans and it stirred up something in me, along with my friend sitting next to me.
He was talking about how we view and treat people who are different from us, and he had us ask ourselves three questions:
Who are the “others” in my life?
How can I shift my proximity to them?
How can I contribute shalom {peace and harmony} in the world?
As I was listening to him teach, not for one moment was I thinking of an ethnic group or someone I didn’t agree with politically. I had only one person in mind: my ex-husband. My ex-husband is my other. My friend was thinking the same thing. In the middle of the service, she wrote on her notes and showed it to me, “What about my ex-husband?” I know, I whispered…totally thinking the same thing!
He pointed out 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 that says, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”
I was in tears by the end of the service, totally taken by surprise by this message and by where the Spirit led my thoughts. You see, it seems like we are in a continual battle on one issue or another, and this week is no exception. I’m a wreck just thinking about it. I just want this week to be over, and all of this to be behind us. I want all of the bad stuff to stop, and I don’t want an enemy anymore.
But that’s not how things are turning out. Our relationship is strained, to say the least. And I have no idea how to shift my proximity, and if I’m even called to, or how to contribute peace and harmony to our situation. So this is all I’ve got…
Pray. I pray for him – for healing, for blessings, for his relationship with our children. In fact, each time the kids head out the door to be with him, I pray over them, that they build sweet memories, that they all get along, for healing and kindness.
Open. Though I don’t quite know how, I need to have a more open heart. If something kind is done, I need to accept it with gratitude.
Kindness. My mentor talks about treating our enemies with the kindness you would show a stranger, no more, no less. Be respectful, business-like. Say only what needs to be said, but say it in even tones and soft words.
Be realistic. I still get hurt fairly often. It’s not like roses are being sent to my house each week and I throw them directly in the trash. When something happens between us, it’s still ninety-five percent bad, not good. This isn’t a matter of me rebuffing attempts at bridge-building. So, that’s one reason why I need to lay my guilt and shame down.
Remember. The other reason I can move forward is to think back. There was a marriage. And in that difficult marriage, I tried. Not perfectly, but hard. And then there was a reconciliation attempt that lasted fifteen months. And in that awful reconciliation attempt, I tried. Not perfectly, but very hard. In fact, nine other adults who were surrounding us looked at me and said I had done everything I was told. I must remember that at one time, for a long period of time, I did more than my part to walk toward him and repair things.
You know, it just hit me this morning: forgiveness takes one person; but reconciliation takes two. I did all that I could. And now I just move forward…I raise our children the best I can, I live my life the best I can, and I let him live his. For us, there will be no reconciliation. At least not in the near future. And I must choose today to lay down the guilt I am carrying over that. Because I did all I could.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Elisabeth, I love what your mentor says about the word “kindness”…..I remember through a difficult time in my marriage and ministry difficultly asking God “Lord, how do I to respond to these people that I feel are coming against me”? The insight he gave me was “Carolyn, they are not coming against you they are coming against me…and to that….it is my battle and my revenge….He spoke Romans 11:22 to me…the sternness of God but with underlying “kindness” or I would be cut off……Wise words from your mentor….I am thankful that I continued to stand for righteousness no matter the cost because according to Luke 14:26-27 it is a cost to follow Jesus and become a disciple of His…..
As far as the guilt, I give you Beth Moore’s words….shame and guilt is Satan stamp of approval….continue to stand tall for Jesus, stand firm for righteousness and allow the Holy Spirit through it to continue to conform you more to the image of Jesus Christ….this is my desire and I pray I am becoming a better person because of it all…..
My husband would not listen….God graciously gave him seven years to respond but on January 17, 2013, God took him home to heaven….based on God’s truth of John 3:16…He that believeth in Him…has everlasting life…I pray in his new home of heaven that my husband is saying “This is what Carolyn was trying to share with me.”…I am sorry that he missed out on the abundant life of Christ here on earth according to John 10:10 and his inheritance of the Kingdom of living a disobedience life here(the life that he chose apart from Christ..1 Corinthians 6:9-10…for we are nothing without Him…John 15:5…
Keep standing tall for Jesus my sweet sister in Christ…..as you stated, it all comes down to a “choice”…I chose Jesus!!!! the uncontested love of my Life….thankful to Know Him….
Wow, Carolyn, what a powerful story. I hope you’re able to share it with others.
When The Lord brings opportunity, as He did through you. Thankful.
Elisabeth, I loved your story. While I am living my life I still have hope to reconcile with my ex. I see that it didn’t, or at least hasn’t yet, worked for you. Do you have friends or acquaintances where this has worked – where a couple has remarried after a divorce?