A friend told me back in high school that I was nostalgic. I knew what the word meant and though it holds no negative connotations, I totally took it as a slam. I have no idea why because I’m absolutely positive she didn’t mean it that way, but I think I thought she meant that I dwell on the past. Well, whether she meant it as a slam or was just making an observation, she’s totally right. I look back. I remember. I know all different kinds of anniversaries. And today, I’m being nostalgic.
One year ago today, I wrote this. Because one year ago today, I got divorced. That is crazy talk to me. Not simply that a year went so quickly, but that I am actually divorced. Really and truly, it still boggles my mind. Even with my life steeped in divorce world…divorce Facebook group, divorce small group at my house, going to court with other friends who are getting divorced, and a book on divorce coming out…even with all that. Even with, you know, living without a husband. And I still sometimes cannot believe – almost forget – that I am divorced.
It’s been both a horrible and healing year. So many bad things have still happened. Things I never would’ve believed if someone grabbed me on the way out of the courthouse…this and this and this will still happen to you this coming year…I would’ve thought they were nuts, because, mainly, I wrongly thought…hoped…deep down that the declaration of the ending of the marriage would have meant the bad things would also be ending. But they didn’t. Bad things still happened. Bad things still keep happening. But oh well, what are you going to do?
But so much more healing has come than horribleness, I’m beyond grateful to say. Yes, there has been much rest. And joy. And laughter. And sweet moments with my kids. And amazing moments with my friends.
But the absolute best part of this whole year, hands down, has been the redemption.
I define redemption as when God lets you see a horrible thing in your life get turned into something really precious and powerful, especially in the life of someone else.
So there has been redemption all over the place this year. Because God is good. And because I asked for it; because I chose, every day, not to lie down and die over this thing.
Is divorce a life-over circumstance? It can absolutely feel like it. And I still totally have my moments when the hell feels bigger than the healing.
But here is what I have found to be true, no matter what is happening:
God is big. In fact, he is bigger than any scenario we find ourselves in.
Healing can sweep through our lives, if we avail ourselves to it and don’t choose isolation and numbing and denial.
We are not alone. There is always someone out there who can at least resonate with pain, if not your specific kind.
Help is always available. But we have to be willing to courageously and humbly ask for it.
God.loves.us. No.matter.what. All.the.time. More.than.we.will.ever.know.
Listen, life is hard and messy and unpredictable and scary. But it’s also amazing and fun and full of adventure and joy. And if this is how good things feel now, already, just one year into my healing…I can hardly wait to see what’s around the bend.