My daughter is 16-1/2 and pretty darn emotionally aware. I brought up to her the following random hypothetical scenario and you can imagine right along.
Say you have a boyfriend. And he’s helping you move into a new apartment. And it’s August and super hot. And you have allergies. And you’re miserable. And you are about to turn on the air conditioning unit because it’s super hot and you have allergies and you’re miserable and it’s your apartment.
With me so far?
And your boyfriend says no. Who knows why. Because it costs money to run. Because it’s not that hot. Because you should just take your allergy pills {even though you already have}. Because you shouldn’t be such a baby about it all. Because you should just be more tolerant of things like heat and being stuffed up and scratchy eyes. Who knows? But he says no.
What would you do?, I asked my daughter.
Without hesitation she said, “I’d turn on my air conditioner.”
Really? You wouldn’t feel like you had to listen to him and do what he said?
She looked at me as if I were nuts and said, “Nope.”
Good girl, I said.
Except here’s the thing. That was me. I was a month shy of 21. My boyfriend and I of two years had a very tenuous relationship. And I didn’t turn on the air conditioner. Not until he left. And when I did, I felt weird about doing it, as if I were weak for buckling under, or like I would get in trouble if found out.
This was a defining moment for me. Something in me shifted and I knew that I had chosen a path; I knew I had chosen a pattern of behavior that I would continue to walk down unless we broke up. We didn’t break up; at least, not for good. (At least not for another twenty+ years.) Instead, two bumpy years later, we got married.
What in the world had I been thinking? What had I learned along the way that made me decide not to turn on my own air conditioning? Was it something I picked up in my childhood? Was it something I picked up in my still-fairly-new faith culture of submission? Was I desperate to keep my man? Was I just totally messed up with no reason to back it up? Was it all of that combined and more?
I truly have no idea. And it breaks my heart that I lived so much of my life like that. I believe with everything in me that God did not want me living like that. (I think I thought he did.) I was a shell. And it is devastating to me to look back on over twenty years of not-turning-on-my-air-conditioner incidents. Thousands of them.
But my daughter would turn it on. And you know what? Now I do turn on my own air conditioner, every single time I want to. Healing comes…
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Awesome! I ask that question myself all the time – why did I agree to do/not do that.
{Kathy} I think this is a powerful tool to help communicate our mistakes to our daughters. I shall borrow this to ask my daughter, “Suppose your boyfriend starts driving around another woman’s car because she is a good friend. Will you think it’s OK?” Um. No. Yet I did the same thing.
Thank you for this perspective. I’m going to go crank my AC up in honor of you.
Love this!
Thank you! All too familiar. Mine was over what type of food to order for myself. I didn’t order what he wanted me to eat and he stormed out. The sick me apologized. And yes, it continued like that for 16 years. So glad I’m healthy now and would never allow something like that to happen again, but still the questions . . .was it something from my childhood?
This post could have been written by me,.,and yes, it is a left over pattern from your childhood, I was so “sick” when dating my Ex that I took him back after he planned a secret trip to fly to Boston for a romantic 4-day weekend with an old girlfriend. I accidentally found the tickets (this was back in the old days of paper tickets) on his desk or I would have never known!! (he told me he was going on a beach trip with “the guys”). I stormed out saying “we’re thru” and then took him back when he called after he got home. I don’t remember what he said to make me take him back, but I do remember feeling as though I had to “accept” him to have him…and that I didn’t deserve to be loved and treated with respect. I subconsciously felt I deserved to be cheated on and lied to…and then I married him a year later. Getting to the root of why I held myself in so little regard is key to my healing now!! Any woman with an ounce of self respect would have said “bye and never call again” after a stunt like that., I just didn’t have “an ounce” and that was the problem. My Ex needed to be married to someone he could treat like a second class citizen, and I didn’t think I deserved any better. NO more and NEVER again. Amen!
Oh Elisabeth-I was brought to tears reading this post 🙁 That has been me for almost 32 years and the physical and emotional turmoil has been tremendous through it all. Nearly every time I’ve opened my mouth or began to do something, I have had to endure the opposition to whatever I was saying or doing-even when he couldn’t have cared less about whatever it was-as long as he “won.” No matter the subject, no matter that I tried so hard to be heard and understood, always thinking I was crazy, or just couldn’t communicate, or was just stupid, or….Seeing this situation for what it is is the saddest thing I’ve ever encountered. It also makes me so angry that I can hardly stand it and I want OUT so badly. I draw close to my Abba father and He comforts me. I pray for Him to show me what to do, and I can see little ways that God is changing me and I am able to react differently to things. This builds my love for myself, and my ability to love others, and brings great joy even in the midst of the almost constant sorrow. Sometimes I wonder “how can this be?” to have both joy and sorrow at the same time? But somehow I feel more complete than ever before. God is so great, and that’s the blessing, for me anyway, in the trial. My knowledge of Him is no longer just “head” knowledge, but true, deep heart knowledge 🙂
Thank you so much for your encouragement and willingness to share.
I’m so very sorry for your pain, but so encouraged by your ability to move closer to God through this all. If you haven’t already done so, please consider telling someone and getting some help, either with a counselor, mentor or trusted church leader. There are things you can do to make this situation better.
I am feeling better slowly but surely as I hold firm to my newly established boundaries. I am really trying to hold on and not make any decisions until after my youngest daughter’s wedding in September as I very much want to enjoy the occasion and give her the gift of her family being intact on her special day. I also had a job interview yesterday that seems very promising. Even if they don’t offer me the position, I see God’s hand in renewed hope, and I know He will make a way for me. For now just the feeling and confidence that I don’t have to tolerate abuse anymore is giving me strength, and I will be okay with God no matter what. I don’t feel as terrified as I did. He will provide for me just as He has for all the brave women who have gone before me in this situation. I’m so thankful to be able to share this long-silent burden and hear that I am loved and I will make it.
I can relate to each of these posts in some way or another. After an 8 1/2yr relationship with my daughters father I was finally confronted with the undeniable truth that everything I thought I knew was a lie. He was living separate lives and betrayed me on every level with no regard. I have questioned so many times how I could have a masters degree in Psychology and not see the truth about him. Yet I do not feel ashamed or that I did anything wrong. I actually am feel great about myself and proud of who I am. I loved him-the him he showed me-with my whole heart unconditionally, there is nothing wrong with that. There is something drastically wrong with an individual that lives separate lives, looks into another persons eyes and deliberately lies, betrays others trust and openness with wreckless disregard and uses the trust they confide to betray and destroy them. I, as it sounds were many of you, was betrayed by a master manipulator. That does not make YOU bad or wrong. I don’t ‘blame’ my childhood b/c what I learned from my childhood was that love, compromise, forgiveness, kindness, loyalty, trust and commitment are all valuable in a committed relationship. These are some of the necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship that you will need to give in order to stay together for the long haul. Don’t beat yourself up for being lied to and manipulated. Joshua (Joshua 9-10) was lied to and manipulated by the gibeonites, all through history each and every day governments, families, companies, individuals and countries have all been lied to, manipulated and made mistakes in trusting the untrustworthy. They are, we are, all human and sometimes we get it wrong. The learning to take away as in the story of Joshua is if it feels wrong listen to your gut, seek counsel of Christ followers and most importantly talk to God. Ask God to help you discern the truth-he listens and will answer you! He does not want to see you hurt and betrayed, he promises to protect you if you ask him and listen. If you choose not to listen, or to see the truth, as was my case, you will receive the consequences of your choices. He will stand beside you throughout and shelter you in the worst of it but you will still need to live out the consequences so you can learn and grow and to become closer to him. Romans 8:28 promises us that God works all things together for his glory and to the good of those that love him. THAT is what pulls me through these unbearable days!! He is with me and there is light at the end of the tunnel and he shows me that in the end it wont be a train anymore!! LOL!!
Be well! ~Sarah:)
I wanted to turn the air conditioner UP…I wore jeans and a sweatshirt even on the hottest days of summer b/c it never failed–STBX came home and complained that it was “too hot” in the house. He worked outside all day so I justified it in that since he did that, he *deserved* to have the house cool when he came home…even if it was hours and hours after he promised he’d be home. I do so enjoy having control over the temperature of my apartment now!
I’m trying so hard to caution my 19 year old daughter not to repeat my mistakes…