Question: “I have to see my ex-husband at a special event and I’m totally nervous. Any tips?”
I can completely relate. My daughter just got baptized and it was the perfect storm of it being held at our former church, of being up on stage all together as if we’re still an intact family, of being upset about things that we were in the middle of (including something that had just happened the day before that had my blood boiling). I was sick to my stomach for weeks in anticipation.
But things like this, well, we’re just going to have to get used to them. So, here are a few things I did to prepare myself.
First, I awful-ized the situation. This is a Jan Silvious tip and it runs counter to what we hear a lot of the time. We usually hear not to imagine the worst case scenario – not to be so negative, but I’ve been trying this for a while now and it really, really helps. I was with a few of my girlfriends and I listed off every single horrible thing that could happen and by the time I was done with my little story, we were all laughing. I made it completely outrageous. But seriously, if you can awful-ize the situation and then ask yourself honestly, “Okay, so…so what if that all happens? If that’s the worst that can happen, will you live? Will you survive it?” The answer is always pretty much a resounding YES. Will it be horrible? Umm, probably. Will you get through it? Yes, yes you will.
Next, I made a plan. I asked a friend if I could sit with her and her husband during the church service, and not only did I sit with them, they let me sit between them. My emotional bodyguards. And they chatted me up and kept me laughing and kept me distracted and made me feel safe. And he called me Bethie, and I love when he does that.
Prayer. I prayed about it every time it came to my mind. And I asked for prayer. A lot of prayer. I asked some girls who are still at that church to pray for me and my daughter, explaining the awkwardness of the situation and all of my fears, and they were on it. I also asked my private Facebook group, and those girls can pray! I was covered.
The night before, I went to my new church for our Saturday night service. Then I came home and picked out a cute dress, did my nails, and went to bed somewhat early.
The morning of, I made sure to get up early enough to have some solid time with Jesus, where I asked him to fill Sara and me up with his peace and courage and strength, and for a special verse to get me through. “Fear not, for I am with you…” (Isaiah 41:10) is what he gave me; so perfect. Just kept saying it over and over. I ate breakfast, though nauseous. I popped some Tums, because of said nausea. I asked God for a good hair day. (The best revenge is looking cute, I believe the Psalmist once said…) And after not being able to find a very specific worship song on my iPod that I was looking for, I sang along with Ace of Base’s “I Saw the Sign” on the way to church as an anthem. Yeah, I did.
And then, well, I just made myself go do it. I got in my car by myself and drove to the church by myself and walked inside by myself, where one of my best friends was waiting to give me a hug (she gives the absolute best hugs), along with my sweet daughter. And I walked the short walk from the lobby to my seat in the back row, where I got another few hugs. I was surrounded with love and support.
Afterwards, I texted some friends, and I took a walk (where I cried and talked out loud to myself), and then I took a nap. Aftercare is just as important as preparation, girls.
Was it still hard? Yes, we only made eye contact once, we didn’t speak. It’s all still so painful and fresh and raw and awful. Some of the worst things I made up in my head actually did happen, a couple things I hadn’t even counted on that were bad ended up happening, but it was really all about one thing: Jesus and Sara. And that golden moment of her coming out of the water because she wants the world to know that she loves Jesus…well, I would do that kind of hard any day for something like that. And you can too.
Thank you for sharing this. I am a man, and just reading this brought some tears to my eyes and a turning in my stomach. I had to take a xanax actually. Just the other day, we had to enroll our son in special needs preschool. I remained as calm as i could and my sons mother did try to take some cheap shots at me. 🙁 The administrator actually left the room leaving us alone for 5 or so minutes to make some copies.
Their was nothing but silence. So silent. But deep down i really just wanted to hold her hand and hug her. Despite all the pain i have experienced because of her choices, i still had that feeling to hold her as we once did.
I’d be really curious to hear what your childrens father felt or was feeling during the same time frames you shared here.
What does this mean to me, why do i still feel like this?
Once again, thank you for sharing and I will use these suggestions as i am sure there will be so many more situations as our son is only 4….
Bill, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with so many emotional triggers, but you’re doing a good job for the sake of your son. Don’t allow your uncomfortable-ness drive you away from him. Hang in there.
Bill, I’m sorry for your continued pain. And I’m sure you still feel this way because a marriage coming apart takes a long time to heal. It’s totally normal to feel what you’re feeling.
We have had many of these moments now after several years of divorce and co-parenting and I must say it does get easier. There becomes a new normal way of interacting, though it’s strange how quickly old habits and patterns emerge (He still occasionally slips and calls me “honey” ???).
But looking great and being confident (whether you fully feel it or not) is the best medicine for the moment!
Missy, that is good to hear that it gets easier!
Elisabeth, you had a stellar hair day! You look radiant and beautiful in this picture. Praise God for the victories won and battles overcome on this special day for your daughter. You are a class act (as my Daddy
says). Thanks for this blog and fb site. You are an incredible woman of God.
Rebecca, you’re so sweet…thank you!
well said and felt!!
Thank you, Michelle!
Experienced these feelings many times. Had to go to soooo many events alone while my ex was there with his mistress. I’d just ask the Lord to give me the strength and I’d walk in with my head held high lookin’ as good as I possibly could!! It does get easier over time – when the feelings aren’t so raw anymore and you guys are able to find a middle ground. Glad you came through with flying colors. Our God is SO good!!!
Whoa, now that would be rough! Can’t even imagine…
You are brave. My parents made similar sacrifices for me and my sisters, and it’s worth it… so worth it. Because it really helped us kids heal and establish good relationships with them (as well as form positive memories), and I think contributed to all three of us entering into healthy marriages. And now, as a parent myself and looking back, I am in awe of their selflessness and love!
Sarah, thank you for saying that…that is not only kind of you but super encouraging to hear!