I have been asked a handful of times if my private Facebook groups are for women only or why I seem to write for women only when there are hurting men in the world as well. My answer up to this point has been yes, my private Facebook groups are for women only. And my rationale for why I write for women has been something along the lines of, Ummm, well, uh…you’re a boy and I’m a girl, so, umm…
So I’m trying to hash this out a bit. Why do I only reach out to hurting women when there are many hurting men out there as well?
I’m a girl, so I understand girls. I am a big fan of men but I don’t always understand you all. You’re a bit of a mystery to me with your not always saying what you’re feeling and your general lack of tears. But women? Women I totally get. Plus, I’ve been in their shoes, so when they share something with me, I can see it through the same female perspective. I can picture it and empathize almost immediately.
I believe a man can better serve other men. This is not sexist, this is actually for your benefit. You will be able to let down your guard with another man in a way that will be much healthier and appropriate during your vulnerable healing time.
The women in my groups need to feel safe. Most of my sweet girls have been very hurt by men, and adding men to the group would totally change the dynamic. AND, I’d hate for flirting or inappropriateness or something like that to get in the way of their healing. Listen, I’m not running hurtingwomenlookingforhurtingmen.com or anything. This is about protecting my girls and helping them become more whole, worry-free of drama. Or stalkers. (Kidding. Sort of.)
Not to generalize, but most of the ones doing the hurting seem to be men. I’ve heard that 5-8% of domestic violence cases show the man as the victim, which means that 92-95% of the time, men are the primary abusers. There are just more women to reach out to, bottomline.
So, if you’re a man and you read my blog and you’re looking for support, here is what I can offer you.
Keep reading. Everything I write for the most part, hopefully, can be applied to either gender, so just swap out the she’s for he’s and the her’s for him’s.
Resource list. Check out this extensive list of resources I’ve compiled for more books and websites to explore.
Get into counseling. If you are going through a divorce and/or your primary relationship found you being abused, you need help to walk through it to your healing. You can find a list of counselors here.
DivorceCare. This recovery group is an excellent tool to help you process your current life circumstances and help you discover who you are now, how God sees you, and what your next steps are to a more whole life.
Your church. Your church can be a beautiful resource of help and hope. Find someone you trust in leadership and ask for help. And I’ll say to you what I say to my women – though I have a feeling women and men aren’t always treated the same in this kind of situation – if you are not heard or believed, keep asking for help until you get it.
I am so sorry for your pain. Marriage pain and being abused and divorce scars are not exclusive to women, I do know that. And my hope is that you find the help that you need. Know this: God sees you and loves you and wants to help you heal and reclaim your manhood. He will help you heal.
UPDATE: MEN READERS: I am grateful for you who trudge through all the pink to try to glean a gem here or there for yourselves. I am excited to share a resource just for you. My friend, Rod Arters, has a wonderfully authentic blog and a private Facebook group for men in need of support. You can email him for more information or visit his Facebook page.
If my work has encouraged you and you’d like to partner with me as I reach out to help hurting women, click here for more information.