Question (to Facebook community of women in difficult marriages): “If you could give advice to young women on the verge of getting married who see some red flags that their marriages might be difficult, what would you say?”
Stop, wait pause!!!! Give it time. (I saw lots of red flags, but I was thinking with my heart, not my head).
To consider pre-marital counseling with a professional counselor. Not all pastors (though well-meaning) are trained to perform anything more than basic counseling, and many couples just go through the motions of having a few sessions with their pastor and that person just goes through the “basics” with them. I would urge any young couple to seek out biblically-based pre-marital counseling with a licensed professional.
To slow down and not rush into marriage. If it’s right, the relationship will still be there (and hopefully much more secure) even if you hit the pause button for a while. I always said my experience with pastoral counseling was a joke. However, now that I look back, it wasn’t that the pastor wasn’t capable. The problem was I wasn’t able to adequately answer his questions because I wasn’t ready for marriage. Ask yourself specific questions like, “what do I admire and love about this man?” ,”What am I willing to offer this man as a wife?” If you have a difficult time putting these answers into words, you may need to sit for a while on them until you have a clear view of who he is to you. After all, it shouldn’t be about how he makes you feel, or what he does for you. It should be about what you are willing to do to make him feel loved, appreciated, respected and admired.
Don’t…..my daughter got married recently and I really didn’t want her to. You are never as prepared as you think. Marriage is the hardest thing you will EVER do. Be prepared for bumps, be prepared for surprises.
Character issues are normal for each one of us. Take an honest look at how he has handled challenges in the past. Is he willing to admit he is struggling? What actions has he taken to help himself grow as a man? Does he have close friends? Do they inspire him to grow into a better man? Look at the past. It is the greatest indicator of what to expect in the future.
I would say date at least a year BEFORE getting engaged… talk about things rather than assuming your marriage will run like your parents’… finances (separate or together), sex (how often, desires), chores (who does what), communication (styles), kids (how many), etc…. make sure you go through at least one hurdle before saying I DO… see how they handle conflict before you are “stuck”.
Well, there are some things that are deal breakers — abuse — that’s a deal breaker. Stalking — deal breaker. Controlling type behavior, wanting to know where you are all the time, deal breaker. If he doesn’t remember everything you say — not a deal breaker. Most men don’t remember everything we say. If they cuss and scream at you while dating — deal breaker.
Make sure he has an authentic, genuine relationship with the Father.
Don’t get married right now until red flags are no longer there.
We can never be one hundred percent sure before saying I do if we’re making the right decision, but you should definitely have a peace and settledness surrounding your choice, and if you don’t, sweet one, stop.
Very wise words. If you have other people (ex., a mentor or another strong woman of faith) telling you that you should wait or otherwise cautioning you….she (or he, as the case may be) may just be seeing something you are not.
First of all, make sure you know if he is a Godly man who will respect and honor his commitment to you for the rest of his life. Make sure he isn’t one who goes into marriage thinking if things don’t go alright that it is ok to divorce. Find out if he loves you for whom you are and if sex to him is just pleasure or a means of showing his love for you. If it is just for pleasure, he’ll be the type to only use you instead of appreciate you!…Watch how he treats his mother, his family, and friends for chances are if he does them badly he will you too!. Don’t ever compromise your values to please him for if you are worth it,, he’ll be willing to wait about having sex with you until after you are married and you can explore together what makes you happy. Find out if he is a porn watcher, for porn warps their minds and eventually will come between you and him in your intimate relationships with one another. Also, decided what each of you expect from each other and honor those commitments to each other. Make sure each of you give 100% to the relationship and not just 50/50%… Never take each other for granted and never make threats you don’t intend to carry out!.. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, so ask yourself if you would still love that person if they became sick or were in a car wreck and lost a limb. If you can’t say yes, then you don’t truly love him and need to mature before you take on the huge responsibility of marriage. If you have children, get ready to do most of the raising alone for men just aren’t that committed about helping out much with their children. Once you marry, if you have problems that the other doesn’t like, tell them to please trust you enough to talk it over with you first and not their friends. What is intimate between you should remain that way. If you talk badly about the one you claim to love all the time, sooner or later people will start to wonder what is wrong with you for putting up with it…Learn to be submissive to your husband as long as it is pleasing unto the Lord and you won’t have as many fights and sometimes, even if you are right and not them, apologize to bring peace back into the household. But best of all, if you have a grievance, go to them first and discuss it without losing your tempers or making accusations. Harsh words can never be taken back and usually are not forgotten. One can forgive others mistakes unless they never learn from them and sooner or later if they can’t learn from them, then the repeated hurts will eventually kill your love and respect for one another. Regardless of how much counseling you might seek, no one really knows another until living with them for a while and that’s when your love will surely be tested–so make sure it is agape love to endure it! (A love that loves regardless whatever is said or done, one that forgives and moves forward, and a love that you desire and need yourself.) Try making a list of his positives and his negatives and see which out weights the other. If there are too many negatives before hand, then there will be double that many after marriage for men aren’t as sensitive usually about things as women are. Most of all, build your relationship around God as the center-stone and it will stand on solid grounds.