Abuse can be subtle. We talked about gaslighting last month and how abuse is more than just the black eye that we typically think of when the word abuseis tossed around. Here are some other examples of more subtle abuse.
Finding things you’ve thrown away. If you throw away a personal document, and you later find it, perhaps, in your husband’s office, something’s not right. That could be anything from stalking to simply grasping at control. You have the right to throw away what belongs to you. I know this one seems small and odd for me to even mention, but it’s pretty telling.
Not being able to have a conversation. This one is harder to understand and explain. I was the yeller and I couldn’t handle conversations when it was just the two of us. (Sadly, this is still sometimes the case.) We’d be sent home from counseling with an assignment to talk through something and I’d almost always end up losing my temper or crying and feeling painted into a corner. No one ever really understood what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get through a five-minute discussion about something (how hard can it be to not yell or cry for five minutes, I’m sure they were thinking), and I couldn’t really explain it. My only real explanation is this: there are very subtle forms of control that you may not even know are happening to you. Things like, “Yes or no, do you agree that…”, when the answer isn’t an easy yes or no but you are given no choice but to answer that way, or at least, you come to believe you have no choice but to answer that way.
Not being called names, but affronts that are just enigmatic enough that you’re knocked off your game and begin to believe what you’re hearing. Being told you’re not flying-out worthy when invited to go out-of-town for a work project; being told that your behavior would make sense if you were mentally ill; being told that a secret was kept because it wouldn’t fit in your head. Statements like these, because they aren’t outright insults or name-calling, can somehow not feel like all that horrible of a thing to hear, and they can begin to sink into your soul and completely mess with your thinking.
If this sounds similar to your marriage, please get help. Please know that this is not a normal or healthy way of relating, especially between people who both claim to love God. Please tell someone. Please speak the truth outloud, even if it’s scary. And if this sounds similar to a relationship that a friend or family member is in, have the courage to say something to them about it. Step in. Stand up for them.
I’m finding I’m still putting pieces together. It can take years to undo things like this. But I’m here to say that a clarity can be reborn in your thinking. Nothing can be done that can’t be undone. Nothing can be done that can’t be recovered and healed. Even if this is you, there is hope, and healing is possible.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Elisabeth, i am so glad you are pointing these forms of abuse out. Most of them are so covert that even the abuser doesnt realize it.
Please continue to post these. You can find more and share them from any of Patricia Evans books or her site,verbalabuse.com.
I am a man, and i was guilty of many of these, and didnt realize how damaging these are. Praise God that i found out about them, admitting that i was guilty, and seeking the help. I have been verbal abuse free for over two years now. I continue to do the work and keep myself awake and aware so i will not pass these behaviours down to my children.
Ladies, please continue to read what Elisabeth is sharing and share with others.
Blessings……
Bill,
Your story blows me away. Thank you for doing the work and being so humble.
Elisabeth
Thanks. We have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and I am just starting to allow myself to think things through. You are so right – had I really talked it out with someone before, I don’t think I could have dealt with my life. Hiding it from myself was really the only way I could do it at the time. Now I need to work because I am a bit lost and I need to get the whole thing in perspective because I miss him – or I miss the familiar – whatever. Again, thanks.
Did you ever have a VHS tape? Remember when you got to the end and it automatically would rewind? That was my mind in my marriage. One day was not so different than others. It was just one abuse where my husband had promised not to do a certain thing and did it anyway (he would insert himself in my work destroying my career and our income). Anyway, it was so normal for us but I experienced it totally differently. the tape hit the end. dozens of scenes started playing back over the previous decade. they came fast and furious at first where for months I was awed that the original conclusions (I am an idiot) didn’t have to be the only explanation. Like maybe it WAS normal for a mother of a 2 year old not to want the child left unattended amongst masses of people in a McDonald’s playground just off the Interstate. anyway, the tapes are STILL playing back, i am still reliving and rescripting the abusive moments and that scene was SEVEN years ago. God bless