So I’m taking a look back, as part of my continual healing process, at things that have been said to me over the years, starting with things I was told to do about my marriage. All that I took in as the God’s Honest Truth over my life, without questioning. Most of the advice given to me over the years was solid. I even believe all of it was given to me with good intentions. But that doesn’t mean it was all right.
I am now, for whatever reason, feeling free enough and strong enough to look at some of these things and deem them just plain wrong, realizing that some damage was done.
Here are just a few pieces of advice that I am just now saying outloud were WRONG.
“I would encourage you not to get too worked up about all the lying.” This sentence stunned me. I could not believe this was the godly advice I was being given. It actually made me doubt that it was wrong to lie; it made me doubt whether all the bad things going on were really bad (they really were). Scripture is crystal clear: lying is wrong. So, yes, if someone lies to me, no matter the reason, – let alone repeatedly – I will, from now on, officially get worked up. And, future way of handling it: I will not stand for it.
“I thought the {addiction} got better on its own and that’s why you hadn’t asked for help lately.” I can maybe see why this person thought this, but no, I stopped asking for help because I wasn’t getting helped. Please hear me: addictions do not get better on their own. Ever. In fact, if left unchecked, they will get worse. Fact.
I was recently talking with a divorcing friend. Between us, we have over forty years of hard marriage under our belts. But we also have over forty years of both of us trying really hard to be better wives because we were fed the message that we weren’t good enough. We both love God, we both went to church, we both read the Bible, we both prayed, we both were in community, we both went to Bible study and recovery groups and read books. And I said to her, “Why, when we both worked so hard to keep our marriages together for so many years, why do you and I struggle with feeling guilty that our marriages failed?” I think, in part, because we were just told repeatedly to try harder. And when our efforts failed to turn it all around, we then deduced that we failed.
Listen, I get that taking advice from me can be hard to swallow because I could just be saying all the things that I was told that I didn’t like or didn’t want to do. Two thoughts on that. Even though I was told to do many things over the years that rubbed me the wrong way, I still did them. And I then even added to them. For example, I was told to praise my then-husband once a day for thirty days. I added to that to pray for him every day and to serve him every day. So, though I disagreed with the advice – given what I had just asked for help about – I still took the advice and implemented it. (And it didn’t work; I was told to stop doing it a few days in.) And secondly, I have talked to enough women and read a ton of books written by experts in these fields to know that what I’m saying here is not just coming from a woman with an ax to grind, but instead backed-up research of how to truly help women in hurting marriages. Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Yes, a small one; but one of the ways I’m working on knocking it off is by trying to reach out to others who are in the helping positions and imploring them to do things differently.
I can’t go back in time. These things cannot be unsaid to me. My cycle can’t be stopped earlier. But, if you are someone who helps people in difficult marriages, you can make a living amends on my behalf. You can learn what to say and what not to say to those who are hurting. You can help someone stop a painful or dangerous marriage in its tracks. You can have a say in potentially turning around marriages before it’s too late, because side note, there does sometimes come a too late.
Though I wish I knew all that I know now way back then, I am so totally grateful that I finally learned it. The hard way, for sure, but I will be so much less easily fooled and so much less easily told-what-to-do from this day forward.
Seeing – and feeling – clearly is a beautiful thing. Let’s go forth in gentleness, lending a listening ear and soft words to those who are begging for our help.
“Then you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” –John 8:32-
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
What i have learned is most that give advice to someone in an abusive relationship are not experienced in an abusive relationships. There are many marriage counselors out there that aren’t experienced in this area either. The abuser can even manipulate the counselor and not even know he is doing it. Most of the time, the abuser just doesnt hear what the wife is saying, hence no change will come. the only way to enforce change is to leave. Its called the sledgehammer effect, this is only necessary if the abuser fails to hear the victim. It is then up to the abuser to assume the responsibility and work on changing. I believe there is scripture that supports a seperation for a time.
I was an abuser, and i did struggle alot. I heard my wife say that i was not kind enough or loving enough.
I went to the internet and looked up how to be a godly husband, how to be a kind husband, how to be a loving husband, and started taking action. But it never addressed the real problem which was the covert verbal abuse, sarcastic remarks.
I wish my wife would have waited to see the change or help me work on it. But the damage was done and she is still angry about it. And she has every right to be because i now understand her pain, and the healing that needs to take place. I continue to pray for her healing. I remain committed to working on myself as i do not want the cycle to be passed on to our children, nor to anyone else that i am around.
I pray that men will start to listen to their wives and admit they do have a problem that needs to be addressed.
Thank you Elisabeth for continuing to post and to help other women heal that are in situations that are so hurtful.
Blessings.
Thank you, Elisabeth, for posting this and continuing to try and help hurting woman and abusive men. I wish the church would realize the damage that is done by not understanding and saying/doing the wrong things or by being passive and not helping.
Exactly where I am in dealing with the husband and the church. Lying breaks all manner of trust in a relationship. And the lies continue to cover other lies. Being kind, humble, meek and whatever doesn’t work with an abusive person. I think it just reinforces their bad behavior. Their need to be right and not feel bad about themselves is very narcissistic behavior. Men are very reluctant to call out another man about abuse. Some of it is self telling. Some of those men are guilty of it, too. Keep on writing, Elisabeth! Blessings to you.
Wow. Gratitude flowing from my heart to yours. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. This idea of trying harder, doing more, has been the precise advice that kept me in a toxic, abusive marriage. Try harder, that way he won’t have yet another affair. Be a better wife and he will stop screaming at you. If you handled everything and did more, he would not be so angry and impatient. If you are better, his bipolar disorder will be too. If only you do this, your marriage will be blissful. All of that translates into “if your marriage fails, look in the mirror, you are to blame. If your husband attacks you and destroys your spirit, it is all your fault.” What a sad message we’ve been fed. It is counter to everything God asks of us. He says surrender the reins, He says we can’t control others, He asks us to let the Spirit move, and He gives life, never once asking us to surrender ours to let madness and darkness reign.
The funny thing- I have been abandoned by several members of my family and the church I called home for years because I “did not try hard enough”. Repeated attempts (by me only) at Christian marriage counseling, marriage small groups, etc. and he never chose to engage. Yet I am the one blamed. He gets support because I left. I get condemnation, even though I left AFTER a pastor gave me permission because my ex proved he did not want to change. There is widespread abuse in the marriages of many in the Christian church. And “the church” (the people, not God) is instrumental in allowing that abuse to continue.