I know I’ve been harping on this, especially lately (and when I say lately, I mean the past year or so). But I think I’ve realized the three main reasons my skin is so very thin, why it hurts me so much to know there are so many people out there who think I’m doing so many things wrong. So here goes.
Reason number one: I didn’t ask.
AlAnon has this great belief that we shouldn’t give advice to people who haven’t asked for it. I have spent the last several years really trying to put this into practice. It is such a beautiful way to live. It keeps you out of other people’s business, which in turn, keeps you from hurting people left and right, and it frees you up to focus on the only person you’re ultimately responsible: yourself. If someone asks for advice or constructive criticism, I prayerfully consider giving it and then do so gently. But, for the most part, if someone doesn’t ask, I really try to keep my mouth shut.
So imagine my horror when everyone else in the world didn’t also simultaneously learn this new lesson with me, and I kept on getting advice and criticism that I never sought out. I think I was more hurt than before I knew of this new way of life…this whole not-doling-out-what-wasn’t-first-asked-for thing.
And in thinking back over, say, the past fifteen years of criticism I have received, most of it has been from people I haven’t asked for it from. I think back to a time, perhaps seven or eight years ago now, when I was handed a letter with a list of many of my flaws that one gal and her (preferred-not-to-be-named) friends all thought I might want to know about. What?! I was just minding my own business and, bam, a huge list of things wrong with me fell into my lap, told to me by someone nowhere near to my inner circle. Pain upon pain.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not a woman who believes in living life in isolation. I have a strong support system and I actually probably ask for more advice than the average gal (more than likely because I believe I am incapable of living life, due to years of criticism…see how the cycle can just go on and on here?). But having someone who isn’t in my inner circle and doesn’t know my day to day life or the inner workings of my heart tell me what I’m doing wrong just plain hurts me to my core. And that, my friends, has been happening a stinking lot lately.
Reason number two: I’m pretty sure I get ragged on more than most people.
I could be wrong here, but seriously, my friends almost never talk about someone criticizing them, like aside from a job performance review or something. So, that leaves me feeling like I have a “target on my heart” to quote one of my friends recently, like I’m super doing things super wrong across the super freaking board.
Now, I know I’ve got a blog and some books and I speak and I used to lead a ministry. But most of what I’m referring to doesn’t have to do with all that. It has to do with my life, my decisions. But, so, I look around and see like no one else being pummeled like I’m being pummeled and though, perhaps, I should feel special…funny, I just feel hurt. Really very hurt.
Reason number three (and this is the biggie): I’m not trying to be mean or mess up or…
This just recently hit me like a lightning bolt. In all of the things that have been said to me over the years – everything from someone outright telling me they disapprove of me to being called a lying ass to being told a mothering decision of mine is controlling and selfish to being called a Pharisee to being told I was wrong to let my divorce happen, among ten thousand other things – in not one of the instances where I was criticized was I intentionally trying to be wrong or sin or hurt someone or be unkind or get someone back or, well, anything intentional.
Which means, for the, let’s just say one thousand times I have been criticized about something in the past several years, I have been prayed up, trying to live right, getting wise counsel, seeking out Scripture’s wisdom, with the Holy Spirit inside of me, just trying to do the right thing.
And yet. And yet, I seem to be more wrong than most people are wrong, and I’m even really trying hard to live my life right most of the time. Just me being me is wrong more than the average person.
How can that be? So perhaps you can see why it would hurt so much. Especially after years of living within abuse, and so my foundation has gaping cracks and I just believe what I hear as if it’s all truth and let it all sink in to my deepest places. And especially when it keeps happening. And especially when I’m trying to just live with my head down, sitting in my house on my couch with my dog, living this quiet little life.
So, yeah, I’ve figured out why it all hurts so much.
And the best I can figure out of why this keeps happening isn’t even so much about the varied things I’m criticized about – because Lord knows it covers practically every area of my life – as much as me trying to learn to live above the noise. To tune out the words of every single person who has something unkind to say who doesn’t even know me. I must have a ways to go on this, and that’s why it keeps happening. But I’m hoping and praying that this will be the year that God slows this down for me. That I am set free.
Help me see me through your eyes only. Help nothing else sink in any longer. I can’t do this anymore, Lord. I’m beaten down and so broken by everyone else’s judgments over my life. But no one else’s opinions matter but yours. Help me really and truly and finally believe that into my bones. Heal me from all the harsh words that have gone too far down into me. Amen.
And perhaps one more reason why it keeps happening. It is firmly cemented into my heart that I don’t want to be like them, like those who have done this to me. If Jesus is the Great Doctor, then I want to viewed as a patient advocate — holding a hand, taking vitals, stroking the hair, getting a tissue, offering a cup of cool water, listening, whispering a prayer; all gently, all grace. All softness and quietness and light and love. I now know how it hurts to be on the receiving end of judgment and harshness. And I don’t want to be on the giving end ever again.
And perhaps one more reason why it keeps happening. It is firmly cemented into my heart that I don’t want to be like them, like those who have done this to me. If Jesus is the Great Doctor, then I want to viewed as a patient advocate — holding a hand, taking vitals, stroking the hair, getting a tissue, offering a cup of cool water, listening, whispering a prayer; all gently, all grace. All softness and quietness and light and love. I now know how it hurts to be on the receiving end of judgment and harshness. And I don’t want to be on the giving end ever again.
Help me be the empathetic, compassionate person, leaving the judging to you alone. Amen.
Elisabeth, thank you for sharing. You mention abuse occasionally. I get the sense most of the people that are speaking to you unkindly are having it done to them as well. Sort of like bullies in school. They bully, because someone is bullying them. It gives them “power over” again since it was taken away from them. It is a form of control as well. I read a book by patricia evans that covers it perfectly, controlling people. It took me alot of practice but i had to drill into my head, i have to see everyone else as seperate people, individuals, that are capable of making decisions on their own, and handling the consequences from those decisions.
I also have read you saying, you only are responsible to one person, and that is our Lord and Saviour.
I continue to try to see myself as he sees me. That is perfect and special just as He has created me in his eyes.
Thank you again for sharing with so many and helping us realized we are not alone in our thoughts….
Blessings….
I was seeing red reading through your pain. How dare those people criticize you. Especially the list person. I wish you had torn it up and threw it in her face. Easier thought than done I know. Still that isn’t right. Unfortunately it is human nature to pick on those who are emotionally weaker. I have a tough as nails exterior that hides the emotions so that people don’t pick on me. My parents would be first in line, if they saw weakness there.
I think you are so sweet to want to learn from the mistakes of others. Truly that is a godly response. I want to share something that I am just beginning to learn. It’s hard and you have to really believe God on this one. It’s especially hard for those who have been emotionally abused, who have learned to question their own responses and reactions. But have faith. RESISTANCE (negative events/attitudes/reactions, etc.) DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. IT MEANS YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. When you are walking with Jesus, the devil will throw as much distraction, pain, and difficulty at you as possible. He wants you to trip up. Stay the course, lady. You are so brave, Elizabeth. Keep on keeping on. (I hope that was encouragement and not more unwanted advice.) God bless you.
Elizabeth….people are hurtful, fact! We don’t realise that not everyone has the ability to treat it like water off a ducks back! I guess that’s why Jesus wrote…’he who has no sin, cast the first stone’. I am starting to feel the effects of hurt when you know people have judged you who don’t even know you or your story…how hard it is not to get down and let them know your side your justification. I guess it happens in any nasty breakup. I guess to all my husbands friends I am psycho wife, actually I am referred to as no 5? I want to get out my guns of jistification out and start blasting them…but I know it won’t help. When I hear you talk you remind me of my sister who I am extremely close to, she is very sensitive and I find this affect her to a huge degree where to me I wonder what her fuss and tears are all about. But this is what I have learned about people like her…and it seems like you. You feel you in the firing line more often, because you take to heart everything anyone says, most people are sensitive to many things but some of us have the ability to brush 90 % off….but you know what makes you special Elizabeth….is your own sensitivity makes your heart of caring so much deeper, my sister can weep at other people’s heart aches and struggles and go home and be burdened for them in prayer and their things will consume her whereas I would listen, be sad maybe maybe cry and go home and think about it once or twice and pray the same! What a heart God has given people like you, we all play our role and have our gifts and there are times my sister’s sensitivity irritates me but mostly I envy her great love and compassion for others! The sad thing is she too spends her life trying to change everything according to all the critics….I encouraged her this holiday to rather embrace her God given gift rather then let people rob her of it through their and sometimes my wisdom and criticism! Hope that helps even just a bit.
Hello, Elisabeth…I have read your blog somewhat sporadically over the last year or so and I think I had tried to comment before but I couldn’t make it work….neither here nor there, for now… I just want to say that I so appreciate your heart and your vulnerability and how truly genuine your are. I also appreciate your pro-marriage stance, as I feel you have truly endeavoured to encourage your readers to do all they can do to fight for their marriages, even though you are experiencing the pain of divorce. I don’t understand all the attacks against you; all I can say is just continually forgive and pray blessings upon those who have hurt you so deeply. Please know that God sees your heart and I believe, He is “well pleased” with you. You are a beautiful child of God…I just pray that you will be comforted by the Spirit of God as you face this persecution. (As He says you are blessed, when you are persecuted and people say all manner of evil against you.) I also pray that You will get your answers straight from the heart of God for you; that you will know, that you know, that you know, that you are precious and honored in His sight, that you are held in the palm of His hand (you are engraved on the palms of his hands! Isa. 49:16) and that nothing, can separate you from His love for you. (Romans 38, 39) I just pray that He will lighten this burden of judgment that has come against you and as you bless others, it will be a double-edged sword to laugh in the face of the enemy! (Not merely a defensive action, but an offensive action to thwart the plans of the enemy for you as he is the one who wants to steal, kill and to destroy….) As you bless others, who have hurt you, you can release God to work on their hearts….so a double-whammy against the work of the enemy who is out to destroy you.
Sorry, Elisabeth if I have gone on too long….I just want you to know I will be praying for you and I want to affirm your ministry on this blog, to so many people. You are a true-blue disciple of Jesus Christ and I want to acknowledge that ….hang in there, the best is yet to come….
Love in Christ,
Debbie Kierstead