So I’m waging an inner battle right now and it might surprise you.
Was I wrong not to contest, in court, the petition for divorce served against me?
What if I’m wrong? What if I’m in sin right now over what I’ve done (or not done), and therefore will be for the rest of my life?
If I were wrong in how I’ve handled myself in this, something terrifies me.
If I’m wrong and I was supposed to stay put no matter what, then that means that God has no allowances for what was going on in my marriage. That means that he not only wanted me to stay in pain, intertwined with sin, dying a slow death, he wanted me to fight to stay in it. That means that though he, of course, cared that I was desperate and hurting, he still expected me to sit in it, to not stand up against evil, to allow things to continue with no consequences, natural or enforced.
(Side note: and this is huge – though I know the heart can be deceitful, I didn’t for one moment feel God telling me to contest it, nor did anyone in my large circle of wise and godly counsel. Not one person told me they felt I should contest it; in fact, what I heard instead was that this seemed to be God’s protection of me.)
However, if we were all wrong, and if this is what God expected of me – if he expected me to fight in court {and really, it would have been an ugly, ugly fight and therefore an absolutely backwards effort to win someone back who didn’t want to be with me} – I don’t know what to do with God in all this. That God would make me cry every day for the rest of my life. That lack of grace and compassion would leave me curled up in the fetal position until my dying day.
I couldn’t care less if I’m right for rightness’ sake, but if I’m wrong, this will upend me and what I believe and who I am following and what every other godly person in my life who walked me through that season said to me and what I think is good and true in this dark, harsh world. And I will be undone. And I won’t know what to think anymore.
But with all this said: I very well could be so very wrong. Butsince I cannot turn back the hands of time and since I have no intention of attempting to beg any longer and since there is not some kind of magical communication where I can straight up ask God a question and hear an audible answer on something as grey as this, there is not one thing I can do now but move forward. And so that is what I must do.
End of discussion, what’s done is done, wrong or not. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead
I’m here to declare, in You old things are made new
Surrender my life to Christ, I’m moving forward
I’m here to declare, in You old things are made new
Surrender my life to Christ, I’m moving forward
What a moment You have brought me to
Such a freedom I have found in You
What a Healer, You make all things new
You have risen Wwth all power in Your Hands
You have given me a second chance
You make all things new…I will follow You forward
©Free Chapel
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Elisabeth, although I’m a Follower of your blog, it’s obvious I do not know you on a personal basis. I’m sorry you’re experiencing these stresses. You’re right–things happen for a reason, even on the unpleasant level. Please, despite the pain and suffering, keep your mind and heart focused on God’s love for you. That thought alone has helped me through many of life’s difficulties. I just lifted you in prayer: May He bless you and may your New Year be kind and gentle.
Elizabeth, something I am learning is that life is not black and white. Which is one of the reasons we could not follow the OT law. It judged according to black and white standards…which made it impossible to live up to it, so we were sunk every time. Life has wayyyyyy too many variables.
It sounds like to me that your decision was based on love (love fulfills the law), which is how we are to judge our actions by now. Love sets limits on evil. Love lives on the side of the truth. Love doesn’t make or push someone else do what they don’t want to do. Love gives the other a choice. IF God wants you back with him then He’ll do it, but 1st God has to deal with his heart first. We really don’t wrestle against flesh and blood.
I know how it is to hurt way down deep…and it is during this time of yr that I hurt the most…
Blessings to you,
Jenny
http://www.aroundeverycornerat.blogspot.com
I believe that God can and will answer us if we ask him. Regardless, his grace covers over everything. He loves you Beth!
My minister has re-married 7 couples. My grandparents were divorced and remarried. I am NOT saying you WERE wrong. I am saying it is in God’s hands. If your life is in God’ hands and I see you put it there daily…and if your ex’s life is in God’s hands…and If God wants you married. He can move mountains, He can create a universe By goodnes, he could redeem a marriage. We really don’t have to worry about whether we were “wrong” yesterday. Simply need to focus on giving Him our lives TODAY.